Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

OP would you consider going no contact?

Irma I'm 44 and wouldn't be able to cope with that.

to you.

I was only in my 20s then so it was pretty difficult to cope with. Actually it's only with hindsight and the fact that now I'm older and wiser that I see that dm had massive problems all along, only exposed when df died.

she wishes it had been me who had died
I think I would have to walk away if a parent said that to me😳
they deserve help and compassion for their grief and trauma but from an objective professional not the adult child
Of course they always refuse professional help don't they, much more satisfying to console themselves by torturing their own children🙄

" even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df."

my jaw hit the floor at that. you poor thing. How did you cope?

I had this with dm when my father died. Not only had she lost a husband, but someone who had done everything. And I mean everything. I didn't realise how much until he was gone. Dm had never had a bank account, written a cheque, even been in a bank. She didn't drive, had never paid a bill, never engaged a workman... the list goes on forever.

Anyway, she only had one topic of conversation - how miserable her life was. She couldn't be talked round, nothing would solve her problems... it even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df. I know she was in a state of madness but still... And she refused any suggestion of seeing a doctor or speaking with a bereavement service.

To cut a miserable story short, she died seven years later. I know it's awful but everyone said it was a merciful relief for her. Her mental pain was just as dreadful as her illness.

Yes, the group chat is the Cockroach Cafe - it's to drop in and get support , and chat to others about the problems of the elderly. If you have a specific problem you want advice on, probably best to start a new thread about it. But for a general wail about the difficulty of coping, or small problems that don't warrant their own thread, or just feeling you're in the company of people who understand what you're going through, the Cockroach Cafe is great.

Mere spot on!

OP I have had to smile nicely at mum while solving problems and then she feels like an idiot....I just say breezily "oh well, it's easier to deal with for me" - for all sorts of reasons, age, etc.

the reason I asked your mother's age is that I think it reflects on how they feel they "should" be doing. My mother was paralysed by grief for a long time, but recently I am realising that she can't do stuff because dad did everything for her (they met at college).

so I'd agree with Mere, she doesn't think you're going to do it wrong, but she's anxious generally, terrified of change etc and embarrassed that her huge problems are easy for someone to fix.

That's not to minimise your feelings. I am only 16 months into this with a mum who is basically decent and very kind - and still helping her friends and neighbours with stuff too - and it's STILL driving me up the wall. So I'm totally sympathetic.

I can understand her scepticism about my DIY skills but even I can't get a trip to the dump wrong surely?, No, but if you can get it right, you can exacerbate her feelings of inadequacy. If someone is in a mental mess because a problem is too big for them, it doesn't always help them to demonstrate the problem is in fact trivial.

Nothing to complain about! Yes, you have something to complain about. Your pain is real. Your pain is worthy of relief. There's always someone worse off than you. There's always someone better off than you. Go get the support, you are worthy.

It sounds to me as if she’d benefit from anti deps

My mum refused them as well but she’s not as unwell

Don’t worry about derailing the other thread. You are going through an awful lot. I’ve just said in there, I’ve left my 81 year old mum to do something she finds stressful because I can’t travel 2 hours each way to keep helping. She could live to 100!

Your mum is probably crying because of the change, even in paperwork. Is it stuff you can leave or do you think there are unpaid bills?

Even then, she might need to hit crisis before she seeks help.

Tabby, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I think the system is doing the best it can but of course I’m aware others feel differently. I won’t go into it as I don’t want to derail the thread.

OP I hope your mum recovers as much as possible. One of the things in my post that got swallowed was the condition my mum was in after widowhood. How old is she btw?

You might finding joining our regular chat is helpful?

It's still inadequate, from my own experience as a carer and from speaking to women I work with with mental and emotional health conditions. Many professionals seem woefully unprepared to deal with emotional distress or to understand it is often a somatic experience rather than something someone can think their way out of. I do think if professionals were more understanding / had more time to spend / had appropriate places to refer people to then maybe so many of us wouldn't have had such bad experiences that we give up trying to get help.

“ The heath and social care system in this country is completely inadequate in supporting people and even understanding what's going on, putting so much pressure on carers with little back up.”

But the OP mum is refusing help!

But none of that, miserable as it may be, means that an adult should abdicate all responsibility for their own health and welfare and dump it all in their children whilst refusing any of the preferred help.

Great post user. I remember reading that emotional pain is felt in the same part of the brain as physical pain. The heath and social care system in this country is completely inadequate in supporting people and even understanding what's going on, putting so much pressure on carers with little back up. I wish there was more understanding and a much more holistic response as you've described.

Put on your own lifejacket first and all that. This is too great a burden for you so it's good you have a plan to manage it that you feel comfortable with.

Antidepressants aren't magic, they don't have beneficial effects for plenty of people. For others the side effects they cause mean any beneficial effect is not worthwhile. Depression is more complex than a "chemical imbalance" and even when the drugs we use as antidepressants succeed we don't entirely understand why. Being medicated wouldn't bring her husband back, wouldn't give her meaning or purpose, wouldn't reduce her frailty, wouldn't change the fact her own mortality is staring her down.

Were her physical symptoms actually properly investigated before they were written off as anxiety? Being in physical pain affects mood and not being listened to about what you are experiencing in your own body is pretty distressing.

Sometimes all the "helping oneself" in the world is not enough to reduce crippling levels of pain to a tolerable level - we wouldn't blame someone suffering excruciating physical pain for being unable to endure or eliminate it through willpower, selfcare and personal responsibility alone, so I don't see why it is socially acceptable to position blame and scorn on people who cannot endure intolerable mental pain.

It is possible to do everything available to help oneself and still be left with agonising, unbearable levels of pain.

Would anyone tell a post-surgery patient whose pain relief was ineffective that they just need to learn to self soothe? How ridiculous. If her pain levels were mild enough for self soothing to be adequate I'm sure she would be. Leaping to call her abusive and manipulative is just plain nasty.

OP I typed a full reply but the computer ate it

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

You need to step back for your own mental health. Remember this We have never got on well and I can't comfort her no matter how hard I try - ie you are not the right person to help her. And therefore there is no guilt from stepping back and not helping her.

I agree with taking control of the phone calls - let it go to answerphone, ring her back when you feel able if she wants a chat, feel free to not phone back at all if she only wants to wail.

You ask "if anyone had managed to get someone like this to accept help and how?" - I think the answer is, most people have had to let it go to a sufficient crisis that the person themselves knows they need help.

Yes. Choose your contact by blocking unless you want to speak to her. By email or message would be ideal and much easier to control.

You can’t fix someone like this ime.

You don't necessarily have to cut off contact to set boundaries.