Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

Oh good, maybe could also give her number of a call line like samaritans for her to ring instead of always calling you. there is an age uk thing where they make daily calls also might be of use perhaps, not sure.

Sounds promising. Fingers crossed for you and her. I know she is a pain in the butt but it can’t be fun being her 🙁

Congratulations on the progress OP . Atleast now you know how to make her take charge of herself (a little).

OP, I'd recommend speaking with a counsellor or psychologist about this. They might help help you work out how you sea with this.

Sorry to jump in, but have you thought about contacting the red cross for a friend volunteer? Perhaps a weekly visit could help her mental state and lonelyness a little.

It’s not easy to step back but you can either do that or put up with the constant demands.

I don't know but my own impression is that people become increasingly blinkered and focused on their own needs, I think that may be true. Certainly with depression you lose all energy to cope with anyone else's feelings but your own, even to the extent of noticing that anyone else does have feelings. And even if all you have is a bad cold, you are not as open as you are normally to other people's needs.

I think you can recognise someone's behaviour is manipulative and selfish without condemning them as a person - they're doing what they need to at the time and their awareness of other people disappears. It takes a lot less of your own emotional energy if you think of it as them being concerned about themselves rather than them setting out to be cruel to you. That said, it is then up to you to set the boundaries, and say "I'll do so much and no more". Or even "I can do no more, I'm walking away".

I’m shocked she is only 70, I was thinking very elderly perhaps with early dementia!
Her behaviour IS manipulative and selfish, she doesn’t care how cruel and nasty she is to you and your DB. I’d take a huge step back and also be very blunt that she needs to help herself, can you face another 20 years of this?

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

Some ideas here, also the forum is helpful.outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

I wou;d have a good look at 'boundaries' on the Out of the FOG site also 'medium chill' might be of some help...for example times she can call and other times when she can't perhaps...

This is sooo hard to manage. It's easy to say "block her altogether" and if she wasnt your mum that would surely be the best course of action.

Depressed she may be, but she is an arch manipulator who will bring you down to. First things, look after yourself as it's highly likely nothing you can do will make a difference. Are there any groups you can access or things like Age UK. Would she come to a gentle exercise class or go out to lunch once a week? Can you talk to her GP and discuss how things are ... (s)he cant tell you anything but you can share what's happening. Is she capable of having a pet dog?

Meredint I acknowledge the point you're making, my feelings about this subject are of coarse heavily coloured by my feelings about my own parents and for various reasons I'm not willing to take any kind of a hit on their account.
Is it really no care or is it no understanding I don't know but my own impression is that people become increasingly blinkered and focused on their own needs, they become weird tricksy and manipulative, even if it is no understanding why should I become a slave to 2 elderly people for possibly 20 years or more?

@UYScuti I completely agree with you and can’t understand it as I would hate to upset my dcs so.

Both my parents did/do this to me and I have vowed I will never be like that.i have now backed off for my own sanity and that of my dcs. I couldn’t deal with the constant litany of disaster but total unwillingness to accept help. And by help I don’t mean packing off to a home

IrmaFayLear That is horrible! - the sort of thing that should never cross your lips even if you think it.

I think there sometimes comes a time when you can see the person is in distress, but nothing you do is helping them, and so there's no point in continue to cause harm to yourself, because you're simply wasting effort for no result. It would be different if you could see she was recovering as a result of your being there - but even there, you have to consider the net benefit - if she recovers but destroys you in the process, there is no net benefit.

But what is "proper provision"? In many of the discussions I see on here, "proper provision" appears to mean moving into a flat for the elderly long before you can' cope. I'm of an age where mumsnetters might expect me to do the same, but for the first time in my life I have time to do the things I enjoy, and I am not ready to abandon my garden and sit in a retirement flat waiting to die. But I hope I will be able to buy in help when I need it, not lean on my children.

Is it really "no care" for the stress on their offspring, or is it no understanding?

I think that's a bit harsh
I know, and I apologize for causing offense, it is a harsh thing to say ...very harsh, but I still see older people who are happy to make no proper provision for their later years, preferring instead to selfishly fall upon their adult children with no care for how much distress this causes their offspring.

Oh, no - it was me! I had just returned from work, and she ran out and said, "When I heard the car in the drive I thought it was Daddy!" and then she broke down and was crying that she wished it was me who had died rather than df.

I think it was at that point that I really started to pull back. I had moved back home when df fell ill, and I moved out again a couple of months later as it was sheer torture dealing with someone's endless misery. At the time and for years afterward I felt awful for not being sympathetic enough, but I had hour upon hour of offloaded grief and complaining (which still continued for seven years).

I read it as the mother talking, therefore the "me" was the mother herself, not the poster. Ah, just seen the update, looks like I was wrong.

" even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df."

my jaw hit the floor at that. you poor thing. How did you cope?

I read it as the mother talking, therefore the "me" was the mother herself, not the poster.

Of course they always refuse professional help don't they, much more satisfying to console themselves by torturing their own children I think that's a bit harsh. Your children are people who have your interests at heart, and they're people you know and can relax with. I think it's understandable to turn to your children and not want professional help, even if you hope that in a similar situation you would be altruistic and not place the burden on your own kids.

I don't think anyone here is minimising the extent of the mother's distress or need for help however the issue is she is leaning on the daughter as her sole outlet / vent rather than taking other support...this can also develop into enabling that pattern to continue (so she doesn't have to seek other support) which is unhealthy in the long term...

Sometimes it can actually be helpful to both to try and change that pattern as may cause her to seek other support (as seen, has not taken other support mentioned) and also give the daughter a break.