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Original poster

Advice on how to survive this please

66 replies

howareyoumeanttochoose · 31/01/2020 20:32

First post so apologies in advance if I get this all wrong. I need some help and I’m really struggling. I’ll try and keep it brief. I am an only child, my parents have never had a ‘good’ relationship but have been married over 50 years. My whole life I have been in the middle of their conflicts and have always tried to diffuse arguments and calm them down.

Last year my father was taken into hospital where they discovered cancer. Due to many complications he spent 9 weeks there including time in ICU. He then developed delirium which was horrific as he often didn’t recognise us, could be abusive, said the most awful things. Eventually he was discharged and came home.

He is now on palliative care at home. My mum is really struggling with his care and struggling to manage his very variable moods. They are together 24/7 and both are finding this difficult. He is mostly lucid but has periods of confusion bought on by infections and the vast array of medication he is taking. Their arguments are getting worse particularly as Mum cannot help but correct him and often reminds him of mistakes he’s made when confused. It is then up to me to intervene and calm them both down.

On top of this I have 4 children of my own. The youngest has only just turned 2 and obviously still needs a lot of time and attention. My poor DC are suffering too as nothing can be planned as we never know when the phone will ring and I will have to disappear to try and sort things out. We haven’t been further than 30 minutes away from home for a year in case we are called back. They are also finding it very hard to see Grandad so poorly as he was always very involved in their lives, I am obviously also finding the thought of losing him heartbreaking and to be honest I miss my dad - this version is like having 60% of him still here. My husband is amazing and very supportive (though he gets intensely frustrated with my parents and their disfunctional relationship) and he is trying desperately to pick up the slack with the children as well as juggling work.

I am totally broken both emotionally and physically. Trying to care for my children who I love beyond words and suffer through this awful time with my parents has destroyed me. I fantasise about killing myself constantly and if it weren’t for my children I would have done it a long time ago. The GP has prescribed me with antidepressants but I can’t face taking them as the thought feeling worse for a couple of weeks before the kick in and I am also still feeding my youngest and would worry about the affect they might have on him.

I’m sorry this is so long (I haven’t even included half of it!) and thank you for reading. I don’t know what I’m hoping for really...

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 01/02/2020 11:24

OP

Why isn’t your dad in palliative care in a hospital or hospice, is it lack of space? Can this be reviewed?

I would honestly stay out of it. I spent a lot of time with my father when he was dying of cancer and I now realise all I achieved was giving myself PTSD, or the fringe of it, for no good reason.

I honestly thought I’d have a heart attack, my blood pressure was dangerously high.

thesandwich · 01/02/2020 11:18

If this was happening to your best friend, what advice would you give them?
Please seek help and support for everyone’s sake.xx

FraglesRock · 01/02/2020 10:24

You've come back and told everyone how you can't do anything that's suggested. And I appreciate how you can't abandon them. But you sound close to a breakdown and then you'll be no use to anyone.

I think you'll have to accept that your dad needs outside help, he might not want it but you all need it.
Dad gets a few hours of help
Mum takes a breather
Hopefully you get less phone calls
You can take a breather
Family day out...

Namethecat · 01/02/2020 10:13

Could he possibly go off for respite care for a few days / a week, to allow your mum and yourself to get a breather ?

Orangeblossom78 · 01/02/2020 10:08

He is now on palliative care at home I hear the home hospice care can be very good and they could arrange some counselling and support for your parents as well

Orangeblossom78 · 01/02/2020 10:06

In case it helps reassure you my Dc are now 14 and 11 and they are fine, after me feeding them and having the antidepressants.

Original poster
howareyoumeanttochoose · 31/01/2020 22:46

I know that’s what I should do, I just don’t know how to do it. I’m so scared of my letting my dad down at the time he needs me the most

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 31/01/2020 22:45

Do look up the MacMillan site, there is so much support out there for you all. Flowers

BIWI · 31/01/2020 22:43

Sorry, but the time has come for some tough love. You can't keep sorting things out between your parents - it's their relationship, not yours.

And your own health is suffering.

Step back. Take the antidepressants, and look after yourself and your own children, as well as the relationship with your husband..

Original poster
howareyoumeanttochoose · 31/01/2020 22:40

Thank you all for your responses. I know our position is untenable, I walked out tonight and spent 40 minutes crying on a bench so that the children wouldn’t hear me. Think I frightened my husband a bit. Part of the problem is that when Dad’s mind is clear he has no recollection of the confusion and I don’t think he really believes us when we tell him what he’s done. Sometimes in his muddled state he tries to do things that would be dangerous but gets quite aggressive if we try to stop him. He would really resist Carers coming in at the moment as he is on the whole still fairly mobile and able to care for himself (he doesn’t need any help with self care or anything like that) on good days outsiders probably wouldn’t realise he wasn’t well.

To be fair to my Mum I wouldn’t cope being alone with him all the time so I can understand why she snaps sometimes. He’s not been an easy husband and I think the shift in ‘power’ has really complicated the situation.

I know I should probably take the antidepressants but I would feel so guilty (the rational part of my mind knows that’s crazy but I’m terrible for piling extra guilt on myself)

OP posts:
Fieldings15 · 31/01/2020 21:57

Discuss with your doctor about breastfeeding with the meds... I think the risks are pretty low (I made the choice to do it, although on a fairly low dose). Also I'm not sure that is is the case that you will get worse before you get better, although it can take a few weeks before the meds start to work. Depending on where you live there may well be specialist palliative care nurses in the community or macmillan nurses and they can do a fantastic job. They should be able to offer practical help and advice for the whole family, not just directly medical support. I hope things get easier for you, take care x

thesandwich · 31/01/2020 21:51

Your position is untenable- you must put yourself and your family first.
What support do your parents have? Macmillan, social worker etc?
Attendance allowance, hospice etc? Cleaners respite care?
Please take the meds- it will help very soon. Carers association can offer you support and help.
You cannot fix your parents relationship- and it is not your responsibility to fix it. 🌺🌺

Orangeblossom78 · 31/01/2020 20:47

Hi, I'm new here but just wanted to chip in and mention that some antidepressants are meant to better than others while breastfeeding. I think it was sertraline I was prescribed during that time. It sounds like this situation is putting a lot of pressure on you mentally and for you and the sake of your DC you need to take care of yourself. Maybe your parents have been used to you being the pacifier. and become reliant on that. maybe they can get some carers to support them. It sounds very hard. But if you are suicidal, you do need support and to put yourself first here.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/01/2020 20:47

Hi OP,

Didn't want to read and run but equally I'm not sure I'm best placed to help not having faced similar circumstances.

The one thing I would say is that you really should take the medication your GP has prescribed.

The fact that you're depressed (understandably so given the stress you are under) will make trying to find a sustainable way forward much more difficult.

Do you feel able to speak to your mother about this? It sounds like you and your parents have fallen into a "normal" where you are the peacemaker at the cost of your own health.

Your father is ill and "correcting" him and pulling him up on behaviour when he's been confused sounds borderline abusive if I'm honest and I think you need to tackle this head on.

If she can't/won't look after him with even a degree of compassion perhaps the way forward is to look at residential care for your father?

HappyHammy · 31/01/2020 20:46

How sad and difficult, you are doing a wonderful job. Does your dad have palliative care help at home, is he known to the community team or a cancer care charity. There is a lot of support out there for him and your mum . Have they had assessments done and are claiming the rightbenefits which can go towards help. His gp can assess his medication so that he only gets what he really needs and there are pain patches and things like that if he cant swallow.

FraglesRock · 31/01/2020 20:40

I think it's absolutely fair to you and your family to say the kids have asked for us all to go to x for the day. Please don't ring me as I won't be able to get back.

I'd give my phone to my dp for the day too with it turned off. You deserve a bit of you time too. You can't pour from an empty jug as they say.

Does your mum get a break, can you set up some caregivers coming in so she gets a break too.

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