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Elderly parents
Original poster

Heartbroken

35 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 21:21

Hi. I'm posting as I am struggling to cope. My poor DD died nearly 5 yrs ago due to dementia and 1 yr after that DM had to start dialysis for kidney failure and now is in hospital due to confusion. Her moods and behaviour has changed. There is talk of dementia. I am moving in with her now but I have a DH and DD. DH is understanding and DD happy to come and go. But I worry if I can cope with caring for Mum. I still have to work too. There will be carers twice a day. Mum is a hoarder, so have been tidying and cleaning. She was losing important stuff but she'll kill me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:10

No one has ever suggested my DD, DH and marriage don't come first. However, in addition to them, my DM also comes first. DH understands that and is very encouraging and supportive. DM also understands that and has never expected or requested that I go and live with her.

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Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:07

The reason I say never a care home is because I have extensive knowledge of all the local ones. My DD went in 3 of them. None were good. All were negligent. One abusively man handled and force fed a patient in front of my eyes. One just sat all the patients in front of a TV and didn't engage with them. The last home he was at didn't check his swallow, which proved fatal. Funnily enough, after that, there is no way in hell my Mum is going in one. I will get her a 24hr live in carer when needed.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 28/01/2020 21:43

You, your DH, marriage and DD come first. Always. I hope no-ones ever suggested different.

Knittedfairies · 28/01/2020 21:39

I agree with SpecLosers. Perhaps you could research local care homes to see if any would be a good fit for your mother; you might need some respite care at some point any way.

SpecLosers · 28/01/2020 21:30

Dear love, sometimes you have to be practical. Care homes are not the worst thing in the round.

But if you don't want to have her care looked after professionally, well there is really no point in asking us for help. You know what is necessary here. And Mum would probably thrive in a professionally caring environment, I know mine did!

I tried to look after Mum for four years + FT work and all the rest of it, but no one gained. It was a nightmare.

So it is your marriage and your DD. Which is more important for you?

Sorry if that sounds offensive, but it is meant well.

But only you alone can make the decision. I think, despite your cries of NEVER re the care home, it might just have to happen at some point. Or you just suffer on and be a statistic.

SonEtLumiere · 28/01/2020 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2020 21:25

Just sending you a cyber hug. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

You know if you’re struggling to cope it’s not a bad thing to look for a care home. My MIL with dementia has absolutely thrived in hers, whereas looking after her was killing us prior to that.

finkploydthethird · 28/01/2020 21:23

I am so sorry. I have a mother with dementia and it's tough, as you well know. Sorry that you are going through this again.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 21:22

I will not put her in a home. I am an only child. I hope my marriage can survive this and my DD will be ok x

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 28/01/2020 21:22

I am so sorry.