Heartbroken

But my experiences with my Dad and care homes have meant I will never put Mum through the same. You have a lot of people answering you on this thread who've also had experience of care homes, and their experiences are very different. Remember you've been unlucky - you know three care homes and they've all been bad. But that doesn't mean to say they're all bad.

FIL recently went into a care home and while it is a 3 hour round journey for non driving MIL to visit him now she says she would rather he stayed there where he is well looked and happy than a nearer one which is not so good. MIL tried looking after FIL who is immobile and had continence issues and it was taking its toil on her. Now in the care home his diabetes is under control and he has regained so mobility and seems better in himself. In OP situation I would look at care homes further afield but reasonable to travel to 2-3 times a week for visits. I think taking on the care of your DM would really affect your marriage and family life

When my DF was really poorly and there were discussions whether he should go home or into a home, it was decided that a home would be better as my elderly DM would not have been able to look after him. My DM felt very guilty but I remember a nurse saying to her that if DF came home my DM would be his carer, if he went into a home he would have carers and my DM would still be his wife. Unfortunately he died before they arranged a place for him.

DH's elderly gran was also convinced that she would never go in a home, she could be looked after by carers and her children who lived reasonably nearby. MIL took the brunt of this caring. The caring was daily but not 24/7. But it got to the point when the gran was unable to look after herself in the periods on her own and ended up going to hospital numerous times after falls etc. She went into a home for respite whilst it was decided where the best place for her was. She loved the home as she had company and they had social events which she took part in. She wished she hadn't been so stubborn staying at home so long. Also gave MIL respite and she could visit her mum without having to do personal care and sorting out the house, so she could have quality time with her in her last few weeks.

I wouldn't write off homes. I am really sorry you had a horrible time with your DF but there must be some decent homes somewhere.

Is your mother's house close to yours? Would your DD staying there some nights and at home others not affect school/activities/friendship groups? Will she have a room and bed to call her own at your mum's? I don't want to sound negative but have you sounded out all the practicalities? If you stop work will there be enough money from your DH to run the family home and also your part of the set up at your mum's and is he happy to be a sole wage earner?

Care homes are a bit like football teams. They can be on good form and perform really well then in a matter of months go off the boil. They depend on the teamwork of the staff and good leadership. Just because one was really awful five years ago does not mean that it is still as dreadful. Having had a parent in various care homes and institutions for five years, I've seen it first hand. They can go up as well as down.
Not easy for you all but keep an open mind.

still can't believe she will actually let your family go through such indefinite upheaval. She's really going to let you take time off work etc. Unbelievable really. If she has dementia, you can't assume she's thinking through the implications of this. You cannot put the blame on her.

depends if the carer can sleep at night or if waking nights are needed as well Hasn't that changed with the recent ruling that overnight carers must be paid at least minimum wage regardless?

If you don't have an adequate home in the locality, is a home further away an option?

Can your DM afford a live in carer? Legally they'll be entitled to breaks etc, and there's an increased charge for 'waking' cover. You effectively become an employer with all the legalities that entails. Not as straightforward as it seems.
People choose to have DC. It doesn't mean those DC 'owe' them anything. I still can't believe she will actually let your family go through such indefinite upheaval. She's really going to let you take time off work etc. Unbelievable really.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think you are putting an unrealistic amount of stress on yourself and your family. I’m sorry you har had such bad experiences with your Dad, it must have been terrible, but that doesn’t represent every care home. As the dementia develops you will start having to deal with double incontinents, lifting your Mum physically. Sadly she may become abusive and violent, or start hallucinating. If you continue down this road you will just become a carer to her, if you pass that onto someone professional you can still be her daughter. As for your 8 year old you will miss out on her precious childhood. What would you expect your daughter to do if she was faced with the same dilemma one day with you,? I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think when people point blank refuse to consider a care home ever they put unrealistic pressure on themselves and others.

We have explained the situation to her and that she must tell us if it's all too much. Is that for your daughter or DM? If it is your DD what would be your plan if she does say it's all too much and she wants to be back at home?

Seeing how happy my DGM is in her care home, chatting to the other residents her age and eating in the dining room together, it makes me think it must be quite lonely for old people who stay at home with a live-in carer. Horses for courses, I suppose.

My DGM went into a home after struggling for years with dementia. It took years off her and having proper round the clock care really improved her condition.

Have a look at homes further afield if the local ones aren't any good. It's better for your DM long term that she gets settled and feels comfortable in a home, before her dementia gets too bad and you have to move her anyway. If you leave it too long, the home will be unfamiliar to her every day.

If you live in Dorset, I can recommend a fantastic one. My DGM thought she was on a cruise when she moved there!

Can you afford a 24 hour live in carer. Have you considered all the legal hoops to jump through. If it were that simple, care homes wouldn't be as full as they are. I say this kindly as a nurse of thirty years, I think your somewhat naive about the practicalities of your plan.
I would never let my adult DC with families of their own do this. Is she happy for you to leave your DH and DD? I find that mystifying.

Oh goodness. What a huge amount to take on - the care of your mother which sounds like an unknown quantity, sorting out the house so that she can actually get home, being apart from your dh and dd.

Agreed if you feel you must do this, I've no doubt it's the best possible thing for your mum. But please don't rule anything out yet.

Will she get transport to dialysis? How often - 3 x a week? That's quite a big chunk of the week if so.

Agree that you need to think about respite - you are going to get exhausted. Is there money for periods of live in care while you have a break in your own home?

Have you applied for benefits? I'd talk to the local carers group about benefits advisors.

I hope things work out as well as they can.

I’m going to sound harsh, and for context I have a DM with dementia, and kids of 11 and 9, my DM is in a home as our primary responsibility is to our children and not to mess up their wellbeing; with the best will in the world you can’t look after your Mum and your daughter, but IMO your daughter comes first

Please don’t leave your 8 year old daughter.

If your dh and dd are supportive you do whatever is in your heart..if you feel this is what you have to do then go for it. It is at times like this when families pull together and yours have shown their support which must be some comfort to you. At this time you mum comes first.. but please be sure and look after yourself and if you need to reconsider the arrangement do so...bless you..you obviously love you dm very much..i very much believe that when we are lucky enough to have good parents who cared for us for most of our lives it isnt much to give a little back to them..

If you are working will your DM be ok on her own when you are at work?

How old is your daughter?

If you end up totally worn out you are not going to be any use to anyone. Look after yourself OP. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sometimes a live in carer package isn't much more expensive than a care home, depends if the carer can sleep at night or if waking nights are needed as well

Could she live with you instead? Given it could be some time before she needs the 24 carers it could prove detrimental to your own family if you move out to live with her.