I need some perspective

First in answer to your most pressing dilemma, if your mum has mental capacity she is well within her rights to refuse the carers regardless of whether she needs it or not. All you can do is make it plain the social workers that you will NOT provide this care in the absence of carers. By all accounts this is an awful dilemma because of course you don’t want your mum to suffer or be without the care she needs, you just don’t want to be the one to have to provide it. This puts you in a terrible position of stepping back without anything in place to prove a point which I’m sure you couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do anyway.

I care full time for my MIL who has Alzheimer’s, she does not have mental capacity. A while back we were really struggling with her personal care as she was being physically resistant to it. We had a social care assessment where they agreed she needed x2 carers 3 times a week to assist with personal care. The carers came and MIL point blank refused to cooperate on any level, insisted she didn’t want or need them and sent them away, and away they went as they cannot go against her will despite it being in her best interest to not have the same clothes on for a week! Over the course of weeks not one caring visit was successful and in the end we cancelled it as it was a complete waste of time and we were continuing her personal care during this period anyway. It was our hope that she would eventually accept the care but in the end it just wasn’t to be.

Since your mum does have mental capacity the best thing for you both is to sit her down and explain why you need her to accept the carers. You need to be firm and you need to be clear about the strain this is having on you. Be explicit in the care you are stilling willing to provide or perhaps explain that with her care needs being attended to it leave you more free to just enjoy spending quality time with her. You know her best and will know what to say better than I can advise, but the main point is that she agrees to accept the help.

A bit different but when my gran was terminally ill she went into hospital to have a stent. She told a social worker that her daughters would look after her. My mum got upset and said she just couldn't do it, she was tired from keep going to my grans to help her and my aunt was too. My aunt was my grans step daughter and only 12 years younger and was 69. She had not long had a hip replacement and my mum had a form of epilepsy that affected her balance and she was exhausted. It was made clear to my grandmother she would have to have carers or a care home. She had carers but a home became essential. It will make you really ill to carry on like this. Be honest and tell her that it's up to her but if she doesn't have the carers then a home may be the next step.

OP she is being very unreasonable

I would tell her bluntly that she has carers or goes to a home

In fact, I wonder if care home is the right option now?

Am I being unfair to insist she has these carers? On the contrary, it's vital that she does have thee carers. You may find the only way is to withdraw your care to prove to her that she does need help.

How much money has she available? Is she getting Attendance Allowance - if she isn't, then apply for it (make sure you get someone from AGE UK or similar to help you fill it in - you need to know the right language). Then, looking at your list above:

Get a cleaner. You need to outsource everyhing you can. But at the very least, don't have a cleaning trip AND a getting up trip.

Look into getting the medicine being delivered in a "dosette box", already sorted into up to 4 doses per day.

There's already technology available to allow lights to be switched on remotely from your mobile phone.

See if meals on wheels is available in your area.

Make sure she has a jug of water/juice within reach. It might be nice for her to have a cup of tea, but if she has a drink within reach you know that you can say "sorry Mum I can't come just yet" without her getting dehydrated.

Some voluntary organisations have befrienders, but if fhe has the funds, it's something that can be provided on a paid for basis from a Care Agency.

It's easier if you have Power of Attorney for her finances, because you can spend money in her best interests.

You cannot keep up the schedule you've described, and she'll be really stuck. She'll be really stuck if you get the flu. You need her to accept the need for carers. If necessary have someone present it to her as a choice between carers or no longer being able to live where she is.

It's really difficult to take a tough line, because you don't want to see her upset or uncomfortable, but you may have no alternative.

Then she will want me to stay with her until bed time.

Curiously, this I find the hardest part. She could let you rest but no, she is ducking your life away

And all day Saturday away from your daughter

This really, really isn't fair. And it isn't sustainable either.

I'm afraid you will need to be very firm. Work out what time you can give and tell her what is going to happen. I know it's hard for her but it's also hard for you. She is having no consideration for you at all.

Good idea about you going away or doctor ordered bed rest for a week while she gets used to the new regime. And when you start again, do not do more that you have set yourself.

Her health will only deteriorate, there may be worst to come when you will need to step in.

All the very best.

She absolutely has the right to refuse carers if she has the capacity to do so but she doesn’t have the right to insist you do this. In the words of my GP ‘your DD will not thank you for it ‘ and in the words of my counsellor ‘is it your guilt to feel’.

If SS are saying you can’t cope then please listen as they are usually happy for family to take the brunt. Maybe the easiest thing is for you to be ‘ill’ and say you have to rest on Doctor’s orders.

You are NBU at all. Time to tell her firmly that you can't manage long term without the carers, and that for your own sanity (and therefore that you can continue to enable her to stay at home) you are going to have to put some boundaries in place.

If you put an Alexa in her annexe, you could get some enabled plugs to turn the lights on/off and she can play music, listen to the radio etc.

Is there a local day centre she could go to so she gets some company? It sounds a bit like her lonliness is leading to a bit of learned helplessness and demanding behaviour so you have to come over.

Can she not self propel at all? Even by pushing with her feet from the wheelchair?

You must be exhausted. Tell her it's not optional and you can't carry on. You need the help.

Careers or care home. Ask her what she would prefer.

Sounds really stressful. You really need to insist she has carers coming in. Late mil was the same, insisted she didn’t want strangers in but she had no choice in the end.

This sounds awful. You have my sympathy and you MUST insist on the carers.
If your health breaks down she will be stuck and more importantly you deserve your own life.
Does she have attendance allowance etc? You can get timers for switches for lights or activated when it gets dark.
Can you talk to age uk or carers association? They could offer moral support. Get help in. You deserve more.

No you are not being unfair at all.

Actually, you can't insist she has the carer's but you can be very clear with both her and Social Services that you aren't able to do it.

It is a big change for her having 'strangers' coming in but thousands of people do it. I know we were perhaps lucky but the carers we had coming in for my Dad were amazing even when he didn't really want help. I know the early bed is an issue but it doesn't mean she needs to sleep - does she have a TV etc in her room

Do you ever go away on holiday, for a weekend or even out for a night? Perhaps you need to go away for two nights and leave her and the carers to it?