I need some perspective

I never understand old people dictating what is going to happen to them Really? Don't you dictate what happens to you? Or do you let other people tell you how to run your life?

Agreed it's a different issue if someone is demanding that someone else should look after them. OP's mum doesn't have the right to demand OP does the caring. OP clearly loves her mother, but her load currently is unsustainable, and risks damaging the relationship between them. OP's mum doesn't realise it, but it's actually in her interests to allow someone else to do the mundane care, in order for her to be able to regain quality time with her daughter.

Too many people are living far too long and I say that as a nurse of thirty years. Yes, but they won't let us do anything else. Until we have legalised assisted suicide, and for dementia, not just "terminal illness with less than 6 months to live", a lot of us are going to be kept alive against our will and at our own expense. (And a lot of others will be kept alive fully in accordance with their wishes - not everyone comes to the same conclusion as to the balance between quality and quantity of life).

Your DM wants don't trump yours, and without being unkind, she's had the best of her life. Now it's your time. Too many people are living far too long and I say that as a nurse of thirty years.
A DF of mine built an annex for her parents too, this has backfired massively as now nudging 90, they stumble on and on to the detriment of everyone else.
I often wonder what kind of upbringing people have had to be made to feel guilty not to want to care 24/7 for an ageing parent. And what kind of parent allows it. You have a choice. Time to get tough.

I hate to sound like I’m hoiking my bosom, but ringing because the post has arrived or asking you to get her glasses, is appalling

If we stay home she will be ringing to say the mail has come or she's dropped her glasses etc etc.

I thought it might be something like this

Then you temporarily block her number or take the batteries out of the intercom.

Your time is your time

Martyring yourself will help no one

My sympathies OP, you are having a hard time.

My suggestion is that you book a holiday and explain to your Mum that a) you need a break and b) you need to get some carers on board now so she can get used to them.

She won't like it, but keep repeating you need some time with your family and if she refuses to accept carers your only other option will be for her also to have a 'holiday' in a care home.

Stick to your guns and good luck

Poor you OP, I moved into my dad’s house to look after him when he was too vulnerable to be alone due to dementia, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I nearly lost my mind, completely understand what you are feeling and hope you can make some changes

@Ithink
To be blunt, your DM is incredibly selfish and manipulative and you are far too nice and kind, it’s time for an honest chat with her.
I volunteer with elderly persons and I’d be rich if I had a £1 for each one that says I don’t need/want carers, whilst their daughter breaks herself caring for them!
Tell her that she is monopolising you’re whole life and your family needs you too, even write down the timetable you did here and ask her ‘when do I get a break? when donI see my family?’ people in her position do become entirely self centred, she clearly has capacity and a lot of what you say is her guilting you, be tough and tell her it’s carers or care homes.
Can she not walk with a walker? short distances? or is it easier to summon you?

When she rings you, what do you do? If the mail has arrived 'I'll pick it up when I get in'. Dropped glasses - Can she have them on a string round her neck to stop her dropping them?

Otherwise even if you do have carers, she'll still get you going round there every 5 minutes.

I'm also in the business and hear a lot of 'my wife/daughter will do it' while in the corner the wife/daughter is trying not to cry. I tend to be very blunt that this is now more than a one person job, carers get breaks and holidays and to go home at night for unbroken sleep, and their wife/daughter is getting nothing, the wife/daughter generally also has other responsibilities or health problems of their own.

Yes, they may be upset but the carer has been upset for months usually and the patient often hadn't really given that any consideration at all.

It happens to us all, one day we will all need a carer, it is the circle of life. It's hard for your mum but it is the way of the world.

Sorry, I didn't finish a sentence. ... that's if her weekly client contribution is less than a weekly direct payment from LA would be.

I'm really sorry to read how trapped and exhausted you feel. You could also Ask the social worker to arrange a carers assessment for you. Thats your time to talk and explore how it is impacting in your life and others in your family. You can also arrange a Young Carers assessment for your DD who is helping, if you wish.

You sound a wonderful caring daughter and a lovely family. This is a situation that is played out across the country, that a person needs care help and refuses it, expecting relative to fill the gaps and continue where they are struggling.

It's very hard and the social worker cannot force your DM to have external care support. It has to come from family member taking a deep breath and saying to Cared for Person "No, this is what I can do, my DC also need me and I'm exhausted by x y z care tasks" It's about your mum hearing you, the SW sounds like a/he is already trying to help you with FOG issues and saying what feels unsayable to your DM. The good news is that You don't get one shot at this, you can go back to adult services anytime as a carer to say, I can't do this part anymore.

If it helps, re enablement carers don't give times as it's high volume constant new clients discharged from acute hospitals that they have to fit in at short notice. Ongoing carers wouldn't be like that, the care agency can usually give better more reliable times & regular carers that she gets to know, once care is bedded in. Your DM could also talk to SW about having Direct Payments (if financially entitled) so that you can recruit personal assistants and be in control. I'm sure the SW will explore that with you and DM.

That's if she's entitled to LA care, and her client contribution (everyone pays towards their social care), as you mentioned owing her money. That might be an asset taking her over savings threshold to make her full cost/ self funding, depends on a number of factors including whether it is tied up in her home or not. They'll do a financial assessment and let you know as these things can be complicated. If she is self funding, you /she can arrange private care help and use AA, her income and savings to do that. She can't take savings with her when it's her time, so using it to secure her support and comfort now, and your current time with growing family, is a good use of it.

Why do you need to go and sit in the car and read when you have free time?

What others have said, it's either the carers or a care home if that can be afforded. You matter too.

You are a lovely daughter but you have to draw a line , she is manipulating you and controlling you with guilt . You only have one life and she could live another 10 years or more and yours woudo have passed you by . I have always said I wil manage my mums care but I won't do it . It's not a life is it !

'I'd love to be able to ...' - oh, I recognise this guilt provoking stuff.
I'd answer something like 'You did mum. 30 years ago. And 10 years ago. I need to go home now.'

Ah you're lovely daughter.... and if someone's with your mum and knows her GP's number, turn all the phones off (forgave a ringtone you don't answer...)

I really feel for you. I hope you can carve out more time.

The only way for strangers to stop being strangers is to see them regularly. Please start saying 'yes' to people who will sit with her for a while - explain its tricky and give them a few ideas then leave them to it. The carer input you are talking about sounds absolutely minimal, hardly anything in the context of what you are doing.

I believe all pharmacies are starting to push back against providing dosette boxes as they are hugely time consuming and high risk for mistakes. Which shows what you are doing for her....

Outsource what you can. Consider a cleaner for her (more informal help and company) and perhaps your house too. Try Wiltshire Farm Foods ready meals - could she prepare them herself if she likes them? Does anyone local have s dog they would visit with? So much fun, so distracting.

I think it's a unanimous YANBU.
I came on the thread as my elderly mum turns away all supports, saying she doesn't need it. She lives in an annex beside my brother and the assistance or Nursing Home conversation is on the horizon.
My DMs response of 'I'm not able to...' when she doesn't want to do something is worn well thin after 20 years. Like the boy who cried 'Wolf' perhaps it is actually true, sometimes, but I'm afraid I tune it out.

It's a shame your family don't have the privacy of your own home and garden on your time off. Going to a car park for a bit of family time is -ridiculous- tough.

A new technique I've learnt is to say inwardly 'what about me?'. Please try it. You've only one life.

I presume you just get £250 per month for caring ? If so then she it's just not worth it is it !

I never understand old people dictating what is going to happen to them .. did she give you lots of money for your house : annexe ? Just wonder if she feels entitled to your care .? Either way go with what pp said , carers or care home ,what you are doing is too much !

I’m not surprised you are at breaking point.

I agree with others that you need to say to your mum that she either has the carers or else she goes into a care home.