I need some perspective

You probably do the 35 hrs in 2/3 days to be honest..don't worry about that, you need a break.

hair well done for holding your boundaries. She may be cross but that’s tough. Hearing from others on these threads has helped me massively. We use the metaphor of Teflon shoulders- mentally coating ourselves in Teflon to deflect the fear, obligation and guilt and enable us to live.
Put your dd’s uni info day first. A good chance to try carers?

You can buy a voice control remote for Sky Q separately if you think she might try it. It really is as easy as pressing the button on the side and saying what you want

It is very tough. It's as if your wise, older parents have suddenly regressed to be toddlers wanting attention. It's difficult to set boundaries but it might be for the best.

One hour each day and just not be available other time's. So much easier to say than to do I know. You have us at your back to support.

That sounds very difficult OP. You need to try and carve more time for you and your family. In the short term take action - example if a friend comes to see her and she wants you to go to her just say "sorry I'm busy right now, but enjoy seeing " and don't go over to her. She clearly needs drop in carers, if she is furious and says she doesn't need them, I think you have to calmly reply "Sorry Mum, but I do need them you will need to accept them otherwise I can't continue to do so much". She may be angry but you will need to be firm and ride her anger and don't enable her by helping her get up before they arrive (I know that sounds tough) but you need to do it for you and your family.

I'd also start planning for medium term, what would she be entitled to in terms of going into care where they can look after her 24 hours a day? With age she will not get better (I'm sorry but that's true) and you need to plan for this.

I am very sympathetic with you, my Mum and Dad were nearly broken by my Gran's demands when she lived with them for 10 years. She had a stroke towards the end of her life and the hospital were going to send her back home to my parents (who were then late 70s and Gran was late 90s). It wasn't until I stepped in and said they couldn't cope she was found a home where they had nursing staff. Because I saw how this was I have said to DP I couldn't take in either of our parents - but I know mine expect it. However, I am the main earner and there is no way I could give up work (although my parents don't know this).

From what you say about inability to use phones etc, she sounds rather like my DF, who has been assessed as having "mild cognitive impairment".

DF has the Doro 6030 - a non-smart phone with limited functionality and an appalling camera. It has an alarm button on the back, which would be a bit of a liability with your Mum! but the clamshell design means switching on is a simple matter of opening it up for use. I've programmed a couple of numbers into it for one button dialling, but Dad usually just hit the green button and redials the last number - which means if I go away, I give a quick call to DS so that his number, not mine, is at the top of the list.

You say you're OK coping with care or company but not both. Has she funds to provide for one or the other? Ideal would be to buy in the care. But if she won't accept that, could you buy in the company? Many care companies can provide that. Start by introducing the carer as a friend of yours and going over with her, then see if you could move to the carer going in on her own.

This won't be for ever - once she declines enough to need a care home, you can move to providing some of the company and none of the care.

Has she tried the voice commands on the Sky Q? I just tell it to go to BBC rather than using the guide. You could also pair an Alexa so she can call people by just telling it to do so - a friend had to put a card next to her parents Alexa with a note to say 'Alexa' as her mum couldn't remember that bit, but even with a fairly bad cognitive impairment is using it a lot now

You say your DM has always been needy, is this inability perhaps exaggerated to get attention? Unless she has cognitive issues she surely can use a tv and phone.
Get a grabber for her to reach things she’s dropped, a scooter to get a bit of independence, there are lunch clubs run by churches some will even collect her; things to give you a break.

Here's a thing I learnt on a communication course, I hope it might help;

We are all just trying to get our needs met. We are allowed to have needs, and wants - but we don't actually have the right to insist that another specific person meets them. She has a need for care, she doesn't have the right to insist it comes from you at the expense of your health and your family
unit. She has the need to feel safe and familiar with the people who care for her - AND there are other ways that can be achieved, other than it being you and only you. She has a need for entertainment and companionship, she doesn't get to insist that it's always from you.

It is my belief that a lot of problems can be sorted out if we can remember that everybody is just trying to get their needs met, and if we can just uncover what the need behind the behaviour is, that can be helpful to getting everybody's needs met.

Seriously you are not alone! She’s just too bloody close for comfort, well your comfort.. hers is being met, so why would she want carers in n out who won’t do exactly as she asks (we’ve got to work to times and laws).

Be firm, get adaptive aids, jug on a little table for her so she always has a drink, glasses need a string so they can’t fall, get a post box outside her feckin door if it stops her seeing it, clothes sat out at bed time so if she fancies starting to get ready she can, Alexa or clappers for lights, there’s universal remotes that have less buttons so she can’t bugger it up as easily, note pad with instructions even like if tv does this you do this.. and phone numbers for her friends if she fancies a chat.

You say she can’t walk from room to room how do you transfer her? We had a our Nanas folding scooter sat next to her chair, she was able enough to plonk onto it n do a few short steps still from the bathroom door onto the loo and back.. that magically came out after we suggested a commode (not permanently sat next to her chair but if she needed to go and we weren’t able to get over).

Be firm, yes she doesn’t want the help but you need help so there needs to be some give and take.

Also she’s more than likely entitled to the higher rate of attendance allowance.. Definitely see if that could be reassessed, then cleaners for you and her, possibly having her medication delivered (you can buy a smaller dose box and decant them so she can pop morning open n take them etc).

I think she would just get the daughter running around after her too...

What happens if you talk with her about it? Say that you're struggling with too much to do for too many people and it would be helpful to you if she had carers. That it doesn't mean that you love her any less or that you don't want to spend quality time with her. That it's not healthy for her (or you) to rely on only one person. That you need to spend time with your daughters and husband too, and run everything that goes with having two households.

How would that conversation go?

I think kind, gentle but firm boundaries are needed. "Right mum, I need to get you up and dressed at the same time as breakfast this morning." "I'm leaving you with this jug of water and a flask, so you won't need to ring me for a drink. I'll be back over at 3pm, okay?"

I'd also get your husband and tentatively your daughters doing some of it. Not the personal care side, but if she's dropped glasses? Daughter can you please go give granny back her glasses. Sometimes hubby can do dinner and a bit of a chat. If she refuses or asks for you, a brisk "mum's busy, you've got me for now".

Maybe she could have a "job" to do to give her some purpose in life. Can she knit for charity? Can she teach your daughter to sew, or be an audience for practicing presentations, or reading essays for spelling mistakes? Could she record her memoirs on a dictaphone for you?

It sounds like attention seeking to me. I would try oh, dear can you not use the phone, maybe we can get you a different one.

This morning she asked me to message her friend and cancel her visit tomorrow because she doesn't feel up to it sigh. I used to find a brisk "yes, of course I will but I can't do it before Wednesday" worked quite well.

I think, rather uncharitably, that half the problem is having too much time so that you brood over little problems until they become big ones. But if you've lost your spouse and most of your friends, your mobility is impaired, and you're no longer being involved in big problems (whether they're the inadequacies of the treasurer of the club you belong to or the inadequacies of the government) it's very difficult not to let little things loom large. And you know your DD can solve the problem in 5mins flat, and you forget the extra time she'll lose by being disrupted in what she's doing, and actually coming round to help you, and the sheer stress of being always "on call".

It's difficult being a mother. For so many years you're so completely invested in your daughter's life, doing everything you can to give the a good start, feeling her pain more than you feel your own. It's hard to understand that they regard you as a nuisance periphery to their life. So not surprising that our mothers (and fathers) can assume we will give them a level of help which isn't actually achievable.

Is she unable to use the phone then? Maybe she could get one of those easy to use ones

I think they call it 'enabling'. It is often in abuse...to be honest some of her actions do sound a bit manipulative. I hope she is not taking advantage of your kind nature and love.

The more you do the more hopeless she becomes, she can contact her friend, in future say ‘mum you can do that’ does she have a walker? to get about at all?

I'm a social worker and she's a four call a day to me if we take out any care you provide.

I'd start with 2 and then increase. Like PP said get a cleaner, befriender etc and take the strain off yourself.

Don't mention the circumstances and the letter when around the house when you support with the financial assessment as it muddies things and 20 years is a long way back they are unlikely to check,

cptartapp “they stumble on and on to the detriment of everyone else”

Agree. And that’s even the case for the nice ones, but OP, all jokes aside, your mother’s behaviour is dreadful.

Ruining your life won't fix her.

Get a professional in to insist on carers to her face. Alternative is the care home.

What sort of parent does this? And why could anyone be called selfish for refusing?

Mere in fairness, that whole comment is about dictating to others.

OP, glad I made you smile. It was hard work; to pervert the words of Matron Mama Morton, I deserve a lot of smiles for the effort it takes to hoik mah bosom 😂