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Elderly parents
Original poster

Separate elderly parents.

29 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 09/01/2020 16:35

I have elderly parents who are divorced and live apart, one in the middle of no-where. Neither keen to engage with any support. Both late 70s and with health problems. Anyone else in this position? It is tricky as it would be easier f they would support each other a little - they are still in touch and amicable, friends even. They have little other contact with others apart from each other and neither have moved on from years ago. Sometimes, still expect us to all meet up together. It's a difficult situation all round.

The only real positive is they like in Scotland and the social care is free.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 10/01/2020 10:19

What sort of support do you think they need and are you sure they need it? I ask because I was initially convinced that my 81 year old mum couldn’t cope with daily tasks after dad died. But she can.

Some of it is partly my shock at her appearance- I don’t mean that in nasty way - and my perception of what’s acceptable. To her, it’s normal, desirable even, to go up and down stairs sideways with a laundry basket.

Drum2018 · 10/01/2020 10:14

Neither keen to engage with any support.

They'll come to a stage when they will probably have to engage with support. They cannot expect you to care for them, even if they were still together. All you can do is encourage them to visit gp to keep on top of medical issues, find out what services they'd be entitled to relating to their medical issues. You can find out what social activities are in their area - be it bingo, card games, active retired groups etc and pass on the information. It's up to them to choose whether to push themselves a bit in order to get out and about with other people. If they choose not to then don't feel guilty about it. You need to live your own life and that doesn't necessarily include being there to physically look after them as their health declines.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 10/01/2020 10:06

Thanks, yes I try and do that. And on your question, both really. Mum's main one is osteoarthritis. and dad atrial fibrillation. However dad used to run marathons and GP thinks the AF stems from that. So it is not always due to lazing around etc.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 10/01/2020 10:04

When you say "health problems", are they experiencing problems with coping with everyday life, or have they merely acquired the cocktail of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, underactive thyroid, arthritis, osteoporosis, developing cataracts etc that means a high proportion of 70+s are taking about 6 different medications each day?

As someone rapidly approaching 70 with friends from 60 to 90, I can understand the unwillingness to engage with support - it curtails your autonomy, and seems like an admission your life is over: from now on you will be waiting for the end.

But I think most of us on this board have also struggled with the frustration of a loved (or unloved) elder increasingly unable to cope but refusing to accept outside help. There isn't a lot you can do except protect your own life (don't be forced into become the carer) and wait for them to decide that accepting outside help is an improvement on their current state.