The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Sorry for your loss best . Ask anything.... no question daft. Take care.

Sorry to your mum and you for your loss.

May I join you?
I’ve just lost my lovely 82 year old dad. My Mum is also 82 and understandably devastated. She used to be on top of everything and was very fit but in the last year had relied increasingly on dad to advocate for her (she’s very deaf). We’re just feeling our way at the moment but Dad used to do all the financial stuff etc so it’s a whole new ball game for us. I don’t know how much support she’s going to need or how well she’ll cope on her own.

Do you vipers want to hear how the solicitors letter is recieved? Yes, of course we do! Need you ask?

Knot you have to do whatever you need - get yourself as far as the appointment, and don't worry at all about what happens next.

knot I hope they can help, hang on. At least there is a step in sight.
nora meant to say how wonderful to hear his voice again🌺🌺

I said it was dragging on with no end in sight then the next day a letter came with an appointment with whichever bit of the NHS it is that runs the memory clinic. I now have something to aim for, I just have to keep the cart on the rails until then. I know that I'm kidding myself and there will be no magic solution then but I feel that things are moving now and something is going to happen.

nora me, too. What a gift with the recording.

nota hope the gardener works out. Am just doing the same for dm’s Cleaner- after old one didn't want to return after lockdown eased...new one starting next week who has given me a gardener number- see how the cleaning is first 😉.
nora that’s brilliant news and YES we need to know how it goes down!!!!
knot how’s things?

Update on the Brothers Grimm. I have instructed a solicitor today to write to tell them they are expressly forbidden by the court of protection in getting involved in the sale of my mother and her husband's final property (it makes it sound like they were hugely wealthy- they were not, they just made poor decisions towards the end and did not sell their property before buying the tiny flat they moved into when mum was not allowed to drive any longer).

They are going to be so happy. But it has come to this because of thier horrible behaviour and I have a slight case of shadenfraude coming on.

The estate agent said "whoop" when I told her and even the conveyancing solicitor is pleased that they will be out of the loop.

A bit of me wants to tell them myself that they need to let me get on with the sale and that the price is coming down but I cannot cope with the wrath and the stress it would give me so I will do it the cold way and know that this is the right thing to protect my mother and me.

On a lighter note, my mother and I were moved to tears the other day on my visit in her resi home garden, a cousin sent me a recording of my father from 50 years ago in Dublin which I shared with my mum. Dad was making a speech at his father's retirement and 65th birthday party. Neither of us had heard his voice for more than 20 years and we both had a little weep. Both of us had forgotten quite how strong his Irish accent was and to begin with we wondered if it was him. Then he let slip a few words that we both knew could only be my dad, his pronounciation of the word throat (quite why he was making a speech about throats I will never understand) pronounced "trowth" and "berday" for birthday were words we both instantly recognised and the rest was then clearly him. He told his father that although they had had hard times growing up and lacked money they had never lacked love and that his father would never lack gratitude from his children. Lovely words.

Do you vipers want to hear how the solicitors letter is recieved? I will want to share it somewhere and I am prepared for a torrent of abuse from them but I feel safe behind the knowledge that I am in the right.

I asked for recommendations on our local FB group, and was inundated with gardeners looking for work. I've picked one (a woman) who I am going to meet tomorrow and introduce to the garden. Fingers crossed.

It's having to deal with the emotional load of it all - juggling lots of things, some of which are fragile, so all it takes is to drop one egg and the whole lot falls.

Not For me it's that there is no end in sight, it's dragging on week after week. I would give your daughter one chance to get going and then look for a cleaner using my tried and tested method of ask the neighbours. If you're going to spend time chasing it being done then there's no saving over doing it yourself, it's still in your head all the time. The local free paper is full of gardeners wanting work "no job too small" and it looks like there you've no option other than to change and hope that you get a more reliable one. If you can get someone who is already in the area once a fortnight then they don't have the travel time/costs of just coming for an hour.

nota sending 🌺🌺 and ☕️☕️☕️🍫🍫🧁🧁 to you.
It sounds relentless and dealing with flakey folk does not help at all.
It is things like the garden and cleaning that runs amok.....
can you get a few hours off to do something nice for you?
Advertise on local fb for gardener/ cleaner? Do your age uk offer anything?
Sending sympathy and cockroaches.

I'm really struggling with the juggling of everything, and the relentless days of lockdown which are blurring into each other (I've been working from home since March which is one of the issues).

DM's gardener has been flaky, he took the work on knowing that it was an hour a fortnight maintenance, but more often than not I've had to chase him. He has now said he doesn't want the work anymore as the little jobs aren't worth it. He hasn't been for months now and it's clear I'm fighting a losing battle doing the front and back gardens and need to find a replacement.

DD was shocked at how unclean DM's house was when she went a few weeks ago, I said I would pay her to take on the cleaning, which she agreed, but hasn't delivered on.

This is all low level stuff I know, I'm just having a pity party at juggling my own work/home/garden with DM's home/garden.

I don't know which site, just that several of the penguins relocated. My guess would be the new site for 'mums (that) chat'.

only 1 living room downstairs which could fit a bed but then not a sofa iyswim? But that's what you may need to do in the short term.

I think she changed to another site Are we thinking of the site with a similar name to this one but the other way round?

Saw you asked for yolofish, sadly I think she changed to another site with the royal penguins.

Not really...
Small terraced house only 1 living room downstairs which could fit a bed but then not a sofa iyswim?

Ideally if she'd had enough money we could have extended the downstairs but then she'd have been living in half her house.

I think also that the area has changed so much (naturally) she doesn't feel happy there anymore.

Its hard to pick through her feelings at times.

I'll print the AA form off, thank you for all your help.

I am rather alone with it all.

Dint how far off is your DF's 100th? Two and a half years or thereabouts. I saw him yesterday! I went to deliver something, and the nurse on duty told me to come round to his window, and we had a short conversation through the window. He doesn't seem much different.

I tried to message her but her account seemed to be turned off. Although I guess she could have blocked me. "Sorry we can't deliver your message as that poster is unable to receive PMs at the moment".

yoikes have another think about AA. THink about all the things that she has found work-arounds for - these are still needs "a need that is met is still a need". You probably won't get the nighttime allowance, but you should try for the daytime.

Is there any way of re-arranging the house so she can sleep downstairs?

I've had a look at the forms...tbh I don't think she'd qualify?

Her only real issues are mobility related. She's pretty independant other than that...I order her meds but don't give them. I take her places but she can walk a small distance.

Its worth noting for the future though. Her females siblings all live/lived to late 80s early 90s even with major health issues so I'm trying to future proof her a bit! :)

One of her sisters sadly got covid-19...family got "the call"...she recovered at age 90!

My main worry is she moves, then regrets it and I get the blame but I've found a private rental that has an upstairs bathroom which would help.

Great advice from nota it is worth ordering a forms by pos5 as they are datestamped and if a
Proved will be from that date- worth £300 in our case. Seek help from age uk carers uk or cab to complete- using the right words, and describing things at their worst is important.

Thank you.
I'll look into AA

If she is keen to move, then maybe look at options including independent living facilities further afield from where she is now?

Has she (you) applied for Attendance Allowance? It's not means tested and may go towards looking after her while she is in her own home.

Also DM has a fall alert pendant which she wears sporadically.

I would say that as you are the sibling that 'does', and you are only 7 years into this, my advice to you is it's worth thinking about what you need in this as well, and doing what you can to not necessarily be everything to her that she wants. I outsource some of the gardening, and pay for a carer visit each day with the AA. I wish I had arranged a cleaner before now, but thought I could do it. Mistake.

Hello.
I'm hoping for some advice from you knowledgeable lot and hopefully if I'm in the wrong place you can tell me and point me in the right direction?...
I'll REALLY try and keep this brief;
Mum is now 74.
Widowed 7 years ago when we lost my lovely dad very suddenly.
It's - honestly - been like something from a bad soap opera since..
Mum has had multiple hospital admissions for MIs, cardiomyopathy, Unstable angina, PVD, copd and severe osteoporosis.
ALL the above ^ have been diagnosed since dad died. At its worst she was being admitted weekly for 1/2 nights for about 4 months.
Also since then we have lost 16 other family members and both my youngest son and I have had emergency surgeries.
So. A lot has been going on.
My siblings are useless - my sister is a self involved bitch and my brother is a typical golden child who can do no wrong.
I'm the eldest.
Dad had a death in service payment so mum was able to buy her council home.
She'd have been mad not to, really, and it was before her health really took a turn for the worst.
You can probably guess where I'm going?...
The past year and now especially due to lockdown her mobility has worsened significantly.
(She has a blue badge for mobility reasons)
She had an odd period of falling weekly some months ago but that seems to have stopped.
The house is a small terraced one with curving, steep, narrow stairs and wc and bathroom downstairs.
Its what I'd call a 3 up 3 down.
It's just not safe for her anymore. She only has her pension and a small works pension from my late dad to live on and moving bathrooms upstairs etc is far too costly.
She is really scared of things like stair lifts and scooters an refuses a commode point blank.
So, on the advoce of her dr and parish councillor I applied for housing based on medical need for her. I.e: ground level.
Because she will have equity from the house sale and despite her being assessed as high priority medical need she is only eligible for supported housing. Not much of that about!
She would be happy to privately rent but nothing locally for rent thats suitable (i.e: ground level)
I'm trying to be supportive but I'm just really tired. No point asking siblings to help so it's on me. Again.
She is really keen to move as the area "has changed". Well, if you live somewhere for nearly 50 years that will happen!
The council are a NIGHTMARE to deal with and them remote working due to covid-19 has made it even worse.
The website was down for days which complicated matters further.
I'm not sure what I'm asking other than have any of you been in a similar situation and did it work out OK?
Mum is unhappy and unsafe and I don't know what else I can do?
She manages OK most of the time if we can keep her out of hospital.
Its the steps, stairs and bath that are the main problems.
Do we move her to a private rental thats just as unsuitable as her current home?
My brain is just fried with it all.
Any advice gratefully recieved x

Hi sandwich yup, like herpes they are and I know which I'd rather have. (I have both by the way).

Mum is fatter, a bit bewildered by the lockdown but really pretty ok all things considering. Me too really, apart from the Grimms.

Good to see some familiar faces posting here again.

Dint how far off is your DF's 100th? I was just looking at the piece on the BBC about Sir Tom Moore's knighthood. Beggers belief for me that some people are still totally with it at that age.

I don't think that @yolofish is around anymore Sandwich. I tried to message her but her account seemed to be turned off. Although I guess she could have blocked me. I hope she and her family are well.

DM has now forgotten she has had her hair cut. So we are back to her accusing me of not being prepared to help her get it cut, etc. The mind is a strange thing.