The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Dad was in a right grump yesterday. he complained that the basin tap in the toilet was loose because People Had Been Using It to Pull Themselves Up On. I thought that was great coming from someone who uses everything under the sun for support - knobs on chests of drawers and wardrobes, door handles, toilet roll holders ...

Autumn and yolo - it does pass. The further on you get, the more the happy memories come back into focus, and the last few months are less in the foreground.

imaginarycat sorry for your loss I hadn't thought of taking care home pictures, maybe I should. We meant to take pictures at Christmas but completely forgot.

I wore Dad's watch last week for the first time. I wouldn't wear it in front of mum because I think it would weird her out, but it was nice. I feel similarly - I don't feel I can wear Mum's engagement ring while Dad is still around. Mind, I wore his grandma's brooch on his birthday, and he didn't even notice! I do have a very treasured 1920s large blue and white jug which I use for flowers or keep in my display cupboard - she didn't treasure it though!-it lived underneath a set of shelves in the garage.

I'm compiling a spreadsheet of all the things in the house with some value, whether monetary or sentimental. I don't mind the children disposing of them, but I would like it to be an informed decision.

yolo cow horn spoon sounds ideal for scooping bird food.

autumn usually people seem to hire a "house clearance" outfit. May work out cheaper than filling lots of skips.

yolo it sounds awful but I’m worried about the cost of it. If you can imagine lots of old clunky MFI furniture....no fitted wardrobes in any room....big sofas (ancient) as they used to have lots of friends round. I don’t know how much skip hire costs but I imagine a lot.

yolo the furniture is all in such a state it wouldnt be taken by a charity.

cat glad you have the videos.

I agree about the BHF! They turned down stuff I would have been glad of when we were struggling newlyweds!

Thank you all. It wasn't your comments, Autumn, don't worry, just a general need to say something that's been buzzing around in my head.

I know from losing my DF that feelings will pop up when they are least expected. But I do feel at peace with how her life ended. We had a complicated relationship but I feel lucky to have had her final years to bond with her. I took lots of photos and short videos of her when she was in the care home, silly things like drinking a cup of tea. I've been able to look at them and feel fondness rather than sadness.

yolo yes I can see why it would be nice to have those things.

My mum is trying very hard to get rid of things because she's worried I'll be stuck with it when she goes. Obviously I dread the day she goes, but on a practical level, I'm trying to get her to calm down. I think I would like to review the sentimental and what I might want to keep - and tbh I would end up needing to hire a skip or something for furniture anyway so her getting rid of bits and pieces that she can give to the charity shop seems a terrible shame.

I wore Dad's watch last week for the first time. I wouldn't wear it in front of mum because I think it would weird her out, but it was nice.

I have his hankies too. I don't really use them as hankies but I just have one in my handbag.

Cat I'm really sorry for your loss

I hope it wasn't my comments that brought you here. It really DOES get better, I promise.

cat I am so sorry for your loss.sounds like the funeral was a fitting way to celebrate her life.

My DM died a fortnight ago, we had a very small and intimate funeral on Friday. I felt like that was her last real day, not the day she died. It was a good day actually, the sun shone, family were together, lovely things were said about her and we toasted her with some vintage fizz saved for a very special occasion. I felt a great weight had lifted.

We did a massive clear out the day after she died, loads went to the charity shops (or, sadly, the tip). It was necessary, and very cathartic. I think if I'd put it off and let her things hang around I would have regretted it and found it harder to dispose of stuff.

What's going to be hard is not visiting her as I used to. Her care home is on a route I use almost daily and it was normal for me to turn in and see her whenever I passed.

I sat with both my parents as they died, and I hope never to have to do it again.

yolo "I cannot yet remember DM properly, it's all about her awful last five months, in and out of hospital, care homes, her death was an absolute relief - and I think for her as much as anybody."

This. it's not that I'm in a state every day or anything, but I look at photos of dad looking cheery and it seems like a million years ago because his last months were so bad.

that said, his neighbours were saying how much they miss him today. It was a bit out of the blue so I do think they meant it. We're very close to that neighbour - he's the one who has so many people to look after and I was saying I don't know how he does it. He's a real people person. So I totally see that he really misses dad and sometimes he too hits the wall of "how weird my friend isn't here".

Mere ah, I see

If it’s any consolation, I think different levels of discombobulation occur for all kinds of reason but of course I’m not a doctor.

On the subject of food....I’m very lucky that dad used to do that. Mum and I don’t enjoy cooking but he liked it.

More than a year later, I’m still in the position that the last weeks in hospital upset me more than the death. Perhaps I should think about making a living will.

I think it’s the first time in my life that home cooked dessert is not dad’s cooking. Things like that really hit home, don't they?

Autumn Noticed I was going into the wrong place at home - eg taking first left into pantry instead of 2nd left into porch. I knew where I wanted to go, and immediately I started the turn I'd know it was wrong, but still ... And my typing is much worse that it used to be. Then had an MRI showing "slight atrophy of R temporal lobe which could be indicative of early dementia". After several months of waiting list followed by about 3 months of tests, cognitive function is fine, and I got to see the neurologist who showed me my scan - it is a tiny amount of extra "black space", a lay person needs it pointed out, and her view is that it may not be shrinking, it may be what my brain has always been like.

It's been any interesting process, but it's been quite grim on MN reading all the posts agreeing that dementia is a cruel disease ...

Random stupid thoughts

Mum is making a plum crumble this weekend. I think it’s the first time in my life that home cooked dessert is not dad’s cooking. He used to bring food here in single portions for me to freeze so I’d have a fresh meal after work.

Mere did you have any problems or is it a standard check? Glad all is well.

country if I had something like that, I’d do the same, I say sorry to my phone if I accidentally drop it or whatever.

Oh dint that is wonderful news. So pleased for you.
🌺🌺🌺

Well, I'm struggling to come to terms with this, as in actually believe it, so maybe saying it out loud will help: appointment with consultant this morning - my own dementia assessment is completely negative. Good news after a year of uncertainty - now I just have to allow myself to believe it.