The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Mum has rearranged some stuff unnecessarily to get out of a social engagement this weekend

She didn’t explicitly say that to me but what she has done is so illogical and unnecessary, it’s the only thing I can think of

I completely understand if she’s not feeling sociable but it worries me in terms of the burden on me. Hopefully it’s just a one off.

*I don’t think she will accept any help when she moves in from anyone but us.( If she needs help and you refuse to give it, she'll have to get it from someone else. That's how most od us have to manage the situation. Just remember, you're on a knife-edge at the moment, that's clear from your posts. If you keel over, you won't be of any use to her at all. Look after yourself first.

I’ve had one family member respond so far with an offer to take her out. Things are a bit calmer tonight. I honestly don’t think she has the plannng skills now to arrange a holiday, I do all her admin skills. Problem with house is we are on a deadline to finish certain parts to fit in with scheduling carpets etc, DP wants to get it done and rest then. We did have a period of calm last week then things kicked off again this week, I’m honestly not sure if she realises how rude it feels to have a go at someone when they are putting you up! Anyway, she did some ironing tonight, so that’s a success in itself!

Sinister sorry if I missed it but if she’s going to live a,one soon, then what’s the reason you can’t go away for a bit now?

Or better still...can she go away somewhere?

I’ve emailed my extended family asking for help. Just got back from the school run and she started another pointless argument. I can’t cope with this every day. She is very stubborn and won’t accept that her memory problems is any more than “normal age related memory loss”. I don’t think she will accept any help when she moves in from anyone but us. As for cleaning, she kept her old house very clean and tidy so I have no worries about her hygiene when she moves into new house. As for my house I have really dropped my standards since she has been back, but laundry is really something I can’t let slip as we have no cupboard space. Hopefully I am going to hear back from someone in the family.

We have promised ourselves a night by the coast in a premier Inn when she goes! I think you need a night by the coast before she goes!

If it's 1-2 months, could you set up something nice for you outside the home every two weeks? - so that you just need to get through 2 weeks before the next treat?

If she's going to live independently, then leaving her at home alone is helping her get used to the idea.

Good idea to ask family for help.

If she's forgetting to do housework, are you arranging a care package for when she moves back home? Can you lower your own standards for a while, just like you might if you had a small baby in the house?

We have promised ourselves a night by the coast in a premier Inn when she goes! I do have other family (no siblings) but aside from one Uncle they are fairly flaky. She offers to help with housework, but then forgets unless I keep mentioning it, so the ironing just piles up! I work part time and used to enjoy my days at home, now I feel trapped with her. She’ll say she’s bored but I don’t have the money or time to keep her entertained. Some days she is very appreciative of all we are doing, others she get very anxious about something silly, or be suspicious of our help, or kick off about something. I wake up most days and the first thing I think is “oh god, what’s it going to be today?” which is not how I usually am. To get a bit of space I sometimes pretend to have a headache and go a lie in my bedroom for an hour! I am thinking I could email the rest of family and see if someone can take her out for an evening or something just to give us a break. Sorry to take over the thread like this.

Great idea from yolofish about carving out a space for yourself. Although my DM had her own granny flat when she lived with us but she still wanted to be with me most of the time. It was very draining.

Could you put her to work, polishing, tidying, ironing, clearing the gutters (I'm joking!) anything to keep her occupied? Would she enjoy going to the cinema on her own?

Promise yourself a treat when she finally moves out and keep reminding yourself of it when your nerves are at their most frayed.

Probably 1-2 months, we are having to renovate her house before she can move in. Very tiring.

I have my mum staying with us at the moment, she’s only early 60’s, but has memory problems. Stepdad died pretty traumatically last year, I appear to have stepped into his shoes in doing everything for her, but being treated with suspicion a lot. We are working hard on getting her living somewhere else independently but it’s draining me, dp and DS. Just exhausted. Recognise a lot of reoccurrenct themes from this thread in my life. My Dad is already in a home, he started getting ill in hi early 50s. It never ends.

Long time lurker on this thread finally signing in because I am being draaaaaaiiiiined of all my life force.

Grapes I think it's a sort of protection - it takes a long time for the reality to seep through and by then, presumably, the pain is not quite so unbearable.

given the tales you hear about chlamydia etc amongst the oldies he HOPES it's just that! The mind boggles! (I've led a very sheltered life)

@MereDintofPandiculation when Mum was in hospital I sometimes got her to video little messages ostensibly for friends / family but TBH it was the most tissue like of pretences.
Claiming you're trying out a new feature on phone or camera is another acceptable pretence.
Re taps, given the tales you hear about chlamydia etc amongst the oldies he HOPES it's just that!
I had a memory bear (two actually one for me one for Mum's OH) made out of the newish dressing gowns he'd (The OH) got her for hospital.
Am still mostly numb but hopefully I'll be glad of it later. I did have a bit of a cry yesterday about the time I'd normally ring her for a chat but even during that I still felt pretty detached, like the physical symptoms of grief had leaked through but not the actual emotion.

Well at least you've got her agreement. Life with my DM was very tricky when her judgment was impaired but she couldn't accept it. Trying to have a rational discussion with her had me tearing my hair out. I don't think anyone who hasn't lived it can really understand what it's like, and what it reduces you to.

I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday

I could, but frankly it would be hell for me. I hate afternoon tea and she would go back and eat supper at 5:30!
She's promised she won't go out without me so I'll take her to the big shopping centre and she can buy me something from there. What I actually want is wine from majestic! But that would be no fun for her.

Could you persuade your DM to buy you afternoon tea as your present @flamingnoravera? Then she might agree to wait at the home for you to pick her up.

Mum called today to say she was going out on her own. I asked if she'd told staff she said no, they wouldn't notice. I had to tell her she mustn't , it could put her place there at risk- she said she just wanted to get me a birthday present. I had to drum into her that she must ask if someone would take her. I'm taking her to the dr on Friday so I said we'd go out and get me a present after the doctors. She said she would stay put. But I'm terrified of her doing a walkabout- she'll get lost (it's not a locked place) and then they'll say they can't keep her if she wanders. They say they can't stop her without a Deprivation of Liberty order and neither the home nor I want that (and we probably wouldn't get it if she was assessed on a lucid day). I'm back to stress that she'll get cross and do it anyway.
She's got fat since moving into the home, not enough exercise. They have little exercise sessions but it's too gentle to burn off the calories.
It's my birthday this week, it's the most depressing week of the year (officially) and I'm feeling it.

My mum died nearly 7 years ago. I have lots of nick nacks / ornaments that were around when I was a child. Most of which were put straight up in the attic . I have a few items of clothes that have been put away with the intent of either sending away ( often called memory heard of suchlike ) or having a go myself . It's bears, or cushion covers made from your loved ones items.
I also have a few of my mum's diaries.
Been with my oh for years (20+) but never married . We sometimes discuss getting around to it . I have my mother's wedding rings ( only ever married to my father) that I will have melted down to make mine, as they are too big and one was from the 70s when the fashion was for really wide ones.