The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

@AutumnRose1 yep there is only me until we get the carers in place.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I don't think I could refuse as it's her rental property. I live here as I didn't get a chance to move out before she needed help. And I couldn't afford to move now if I wanted to.

My mum has had memory problems for some time now. Over the past few months she has been getting very confused and has, among other things struggled to tell the difference between my DSs girlfriends - 1 is chinese, the other typically nordic and not been able to recognise me in a photo I was showing her. Physically she is as fit as fiddle and dad has struggled to get her to see a doctor. Finally she has an appointment this week, though I'm not sure for, and guess what - today she was sharper than she has been for months! Which is great but is only going to reinforce her belief that dad is exaggerating. Should I be pleased she was on good form today or worry that she probably won't get treatment that might help. Dad and I have both let the practice know we are concerned.

Hi all, I've only just noticed the new thread. Sorry I'm a bit late to the party!

Avocado that made me laugh with your cockroach comment!

My DF went to a care home for respite before Christmas due to general frailty, unable to get out of bed without assistance, etc. I'm certain he'll be staying there permanently, but I haven't had that conversation with him yet. It must be very hard to admit that - and that we need to sell his flat, car, etc. I think he knows it's permanent too -but that's not the same as openly admitting it.

Current issues also include him saying he has no appetite and needs laxatives. Carers say he's eating well and having regular bowel movements. 🤔🤔 I have to assume that the carers are correct. Given that they are changing his pads every few hours, because he can't get to the toilet, I'm sure they are well aware of what's going in and out! 😱

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble. Anyway, hello to all!

That sounds really tough potter. Hope you get done help very soon.

Potter even if your DM says she doesn't need help, you clearly do. I wonder, could you ask Adult Social Care to assess your DM's living conditions taking into account your own limitations on being able to help her?

While she is in hospital the onus is on them to discharge her to a suitable place to recuperate. Could you refuse to have her back? I know that sounds hard, but it might be a way of getting appropriate care for her, and a breathing space for you, even if it isn't permanent.

Potter so you are doing all this without any help at all?

I hope you get help asap. I live in a flat; there's a guy here who has his elderly father living with him in a very small 2 bed flat, I don't know how he copes.

Would you arrange things so you go out when carers come in? Would your mum consider a care home? It sounds like an appalling strain on you.

Mum also went into hospital just before Xmas. She was really struggling to breath. She'd had a cold and thought it had gone to a chest infection but we couldn't get a docs apt. Then on the Tuesday night/Wednesday morning she got up and she really couldn't breath. Blue lighted to hospital. Turned out she was REALLY anaemic. Haemoglobin of 3!! She got 3 units of blood and a rake of tests. They couldn't figure out why.

@AutumnRose1 yes my DM lives with me. In a very small house. Can be stifling at times!!

cat yes, she does all that.

Sorry, I moan constantly on here.

Potter welcome along. Does your mum live with you?

You have a lot on your plate, PotterHead1985

Don't let your DM's pride get in the way of you asking for all the support you can get. It's important you maintain your own physical and mental health to be able to give her the best possible care. You might need to spell this out to her.

for you.

Posting and then will go back and rtft.

Hi. I left my job last July to be full time carer for my mother. 71 yo. (72 in a couple weeks) She's currently waiting on assessment for knee replacement. GP thinks they won't do it as she had a quad bypass in '99. Im hopeful to speak to her heart doc about it at her next apt and if everything's ok from his end then I don't see why not. Only worry there is 3 1/2 yr ago she had AF and had to have a cardioversion. Everything peachy up till now but has had two tiny blips of AF lately. She also has PVD which requires walking but obvs with the knee can't walk. She has arthritis all over the show too, diabetes, hearing loss and some memory loss. And essential tremor. And some incontinence.

I am currently getting her assessed for an in home care package. The Community Nurse was out and is putting things in place. She's got a dietician coming next week, the physio came. He put in a recommendation for the OH to come and assess - we have a front step, bath only etc, and a recommendation for a special chair to make it easier to get up. However waiting list is over a year for OH. (I'm in Ireland). We also convinced her to take a rollator walker with seat instead of her stick - she's a proud woman.

They are also looking into carers coming in to support washing/dressing etc. I've a MOUNTAIN of forms to fill out.

I'm suffering with my own health issues which doesn't help. There is a possibility' I may have Parkinson's, rather than just the Fibromyalgia they thought I have. Seeing the Neurologist in a few weeks. I also have other health issues.

I feel for us all. It's not easy.

That's excellent news about the lunch invitation, and it shows there are people who are watching out for her. My advice is to cherish them if you can, make sure she sends birthday cards and so on to keep the friendships going.

Cat her health isn’t up to a holiday sadly. Anyway, if she’s avoiding friends for lunch, I certainly couldn’t persuade her into longer.

However, now I’ve said I’m not coming next weekend, she’s already got a Sunday lunch invite.

I’ve got to head off now but am not spending the night - yay!

• somewhere sunny that should read

Well I can sympathise there. I have learned that a winter holiday is more essential to me than a summer one. This is a bit off the wall, would she consider a winter cruise to somewhere with one or more friends? DH and I memorably shared a table with eight independently travelling merry widows, some in their eighties. They were a hoot!

Cat she’s got lots of friends. Just seems to avoid them recently and this is the first time I’ve seen her deliberately put the kibosh on a plan with one of them.

I do think the endless dreich might be connected though.

It's sounds so draining, autumn. Is there a lunch club for the elderly in her area? They will sometimes collect in a minibus. We signed my DM up for one, I won't say she loved it but the people were very friendly and kind. She often said she didn't want to go but I was insistent and by the time she came back she had usually had a good time.

Wise advice from yolo perhaps let her know when she will see you- at a time that suits you?
This is a tough time of year with so much gloom and grey.

yolo yes, I’ve probably got to reduce a bit. Also, if she draws back from her friends, they might stop helping her and that would be bad.

yolo I’d already said I’d go on Saturday but I have now said I can’t do the following weekend. I totally can but I thought I better lie and claim to be too busy.

I just don’t want her getting into that territory where I’m the only company she wants.

But on reflection, both my parents have been like this in the past. I think I’ve mentioned it - that they suddenly get all needy and want to spend time with their child. To me, it just feels like pressure, but I’ve never been a family person.

I should add, in fairness, she gets really bad SAD, as do I, so that might be it partly.

yolo not exactly

But my feeling is, if she stops socialising with others, she might be heading towards being needier with me, if that makes sense.