The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

I visit DF in a care home every 3 days. And I find myself furious when DS rings up and says "I thought I'd go and see Grandad today" and I have to bite back the words "why didn't you bloody tell me earlier, then I wouldn't have gone yesterday!"

I realise now that she just couldn't process new information. The trouble is they would rather moan and blame everything and everyone around them than face the fact that it's them. Well, yeah. It's difficult to face up to the fact that you're losing your marbles. Your brain is so much of what makes YOU.

Autumn Is she a complete non-coper, who has always relied on other people? I know marriages where the roles have been segregated, so if it's the woman left behind she can't cope with finance, basic DIY, but equally the man left behind can't cope with cooking and washing and cleaning, but I'm getting the impression your mother didn't have any sphere where she was the "expert". It must be very hard to have any sympathy.

Really it's a "are you still alive" check but no one can say that, can they. Dad used to email me every day. He was quite robustly cheerful about it being an "are you still alive" check .

Meanwhile, I've discovered the latest horror of being old. I'm used to removing the usual black chin whiskers, but now I'm getting blonde hairs which would be quite unexceptional were they not 2cm long.

hairbrush of course, plenty of room. Have a on me.

Or a whine!

Is there a seat in here for me? I am so appreciative of the support I had on my post. I've read this entire thread and feel like crying. So much of what I have read is familiar although I think there are many of you who are in harder places than I am.

Brief cat humour interlude

Havent seen Minty Cedric for ages, hope she’s okay.

yolo my DF, who had lived abroad for twenty years before going into care, received a tax demand from HMRC. Except it was a year after his death. I pointed out that he had died and the estate had long since been wound up. They kindly let him off.

yolo sorry you had to deal with that.

mum didn't do this kind of thing before. In fact, I'm realising she was the spoiled version of an adult.

sandwich yes, my two weekly visits are off this week, barring any actual crisis. I don't think I can do the daily phone call either. Really it's a "are you still alive" check but no one can say that, can they.

Hello all. rose I hear you- I was talking to a lady at a do on Saturday who cared for her mother, who died in the June. This lady’s husband died in the same September, so all their plans of what they would do in retirement together never happened.
Step back, rose and look after yourself....

Thank you Cat

Sorry Autumn didn't mean to state the obvious, of course you know.

I think many of us have felt as you do, we see our own active lives ebbing away as our parents slowly decline, I think you are probably in the worst phase of it right now. It won't always be like this.

Cat no offence, but yes, I know she has no confidence etc.

I've done a cover plan.

I just want to know when it all ends. Will she outlive me? Or at least, will she outlive what feels like the last fun years? I know that sounds crazy, but I hear of so many people having so many health problems at quite young ages.

Factor mum out of my life, and I'm quite a happy person. There, I said it. I miss the days when dad was here, mostly because all I had to do was pop by for tea and cake every 3 weeks and not listen to endless...well, just talk. I'm an introvert who chose to be single and childfree. I am not designed for this level of human interaction.

Your DM will have no confidence dealing with that stuff if she's never done it. If she's investing in new white goods is it worth having a care plan to cover everything? Then there's only one phone number to worry about.

I used to get frustrated with my DM pressing all the wrong buttons on her television and expecting me to fix it. I realise now that she just couldn't process new information. The trouble is they would rather moan and blame everything and everyone around them than face the fact that it's them.

oh and she didn't deal with it herself, I did 2 out of 3 of them.

On Saturday, she was moaning at me about 3 domestic appliances having broken down since dad died and having to deal with it herself.

that's normal life! And some of us have jobs as well as dealing with that! Obvs.

I honestly wonder how dad ended up doing literally everything for her. I know he was pissed off about banking etc because he couldn't get her to take an interest. I now think he was probably pissed off about other stuff but just hid it. And it might account for his outbursts of temper in his last years.

Cat thank you. You say “she’ll be over it in no time” - I didn’t realise that before, but yes. And she’ll moan and groan no matter what.

But sometimes I think it’s worse to leave a longer gap between visits because then it hits harder when you go.

Autumn sometimes the frustration just bubbles up, doesn't it? I hope having a cry made you feel a bit better. Your DM will be over it in no time.

Gh0stwalk both of my parents spent their last years in care homes. I visited them every other day, because otherwise it would have taken over my life. If I felt up to it I might go on the in between days but I allowed myself the choice.

I don't know if this helps but I used to take illustrated books and magazines in to look at, the coffee table type, aerial views of the UK, that sort of thing, very few words but big colourful pictures. Charity shops are full of them. It's not really what you talk about so much as the interaction. Also holding hands and giving them a hug and a kiss, which ironically I hadn't done much when they were "themselves".

It is hard, though.

I’ve just had a go and cried at mum on the phone.

She asked me to do some errands for her, today was the best day and I’m there on Wednesday. Literally after I’d done them - at lunchtime, in a central London shop that no one should have to visit unless they’re being punished for murder - she rang and said “don’t do it, someone else offered”. Then she got all huffy and said “I didn’t think you’d do it today” - she can’t remember how my shifts work, I’m not having a go but seriously, I’m there in Wednesday and it didn’t occur to her I might do them today?

I’m now skipping Wednesday. I can’t cope. Being with an elderly widow who wants my opinion on everything and starts every other sentence with “when you father was here”.

I’m starting to see the extreme weight loss is about her eating. Thought it was stress but it’s not. She serves up such tiny portions of food, I’m going to have to take cereal bars or something.

For those with parents in a care home, does anyone else dread seeing them? I promised to visit my dad today and I've been feeling anxious about it all day. It's just so sad seeing him declining, even though we've never had the closest relationship. On top of that, we've got nothing to talk about other than me nagging him about things.
Glad you got a couple of offers sinister, as others have said, you may get more once people have got themselves organised. And you are doing more than enough. My dad is in a care home and I feel overwhelmed (admittedly I also have a toddler and newborn to look after 😂) but I'm in awe of how much you are doing.

Sinister I’d hold on in case they are planning to help. Some of mum’s friends are like that, take an age to sort stuff and dont reply. They’re doing me a favour so I have to keep them sweet.

You're doing plenty, SinisterBumFacedCat.

Update, I got 2 replies from my relatives offering to take Mum outfit the day in a couple of weeks. So, a start. A couple of very close relatives didn’t even reply, WIBU to tell them to fuck off? Probably but I’m very disappointed they didn’t even acknowledge my email. As for mum sometimes she is grateful for everything we are doing and sometimes she is sulky and says she is bored. The thing is I don’t think I have to be responsible for entertaining her, on top of doing I her house, feeding her, doing her admin and being an unofficial counsellor.

Ah, I understand, Potter.

It is so important to take care of yourself though.

countrygirl that was my experience with my DF, he could be positively loopy one day and then absolutely on it the next. He could always summon up the resources for a meeting or assessment and then usually crashed afterwards. I think the professionals understand this and are used to it. They take note of what carers and family members say.

A friend was told by her GP that the medication didn't actually do all that much so unless someone has a different experience maybe she won't miss out on anything crucial.

Exercise and outside stimuli helped my DM. She declined a lot once she just sat in front of the television all day, but while we were able to get her out and about she did pretty well.

to everyone fighting with and for their elderly loved ones!