The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Yolo I'm the laziest lump imaginable. I just hate sitting at mum's.

it's particularly miserable in winter as she won't turn on lights and the place is either boiling hot or freezing cold.

"If we'd known I'd have put everything else to one side and just sat with her regardless of the personal cost."

I'm really sorry about how this happened, you might recall I was sitting with dad (under a different name at that time) at the same time. FWIW, I now think it made things worse for him and for me and he'd have been able to let go sooner without mum and I being there.

one thing I do think is that at least I will never again be in a position where I've got one parent in hospital and have to look after the other parent when not in the bloody hospital.

One of my friends said to me "I get on much better with my dad now he's dead". I didn't quite know to respond to that, though I sort of get it.

Mere "We have a problem, being the earliest generation where women were expected to have careers."

In real life, most of the people I know who are dealing with the real nitty gritty of caring are men. One has said to me bluntly that he copes with it because his brain doesn't really engage with it, but even then, I don't know how he copes. He says it's because if it's his mum isn't in the mood for doing or watching anything, he will happily just watch TV while she sits doing nowt, I can't do that.

Mum would love it if I could, because she's used to having "company" in that way - but I can't do it. If there's nothing to do, I just think "why I am here, I want to go home".

I think I'm also extra resentful at the mo because I'm 44 next week and since my early teens, I was told not to expect to have parents much longer. Yes, I only have 1, but the 1 has turned out to be a surprisingly big burden. I thought I'd be free of "people obligation" by 40.

So true, yolo.

I'm probably ahead of a lot of people on this thread because as of a few weeks ago I'm parentless. I'm having to deal with the what ifs and why didn't I's at this stage, as well as the massive gap in my life that used to be taken up by visiting or keeping on top of her admin. But we can only do what we can do.

The most hopeful thing I can offer to others is that once my DM went into care and was someone else's responsibility, I found myself able to love her. All the other crap just melted away.

@AutumnRose1 I don't know how anyone copes. Every one here seems to have it worse than me.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas That is such a good idea. I think I might starting to write down these incidents. It might help to show a pattern and I can show the social worker.

I kept a daily journal when I was caring for my DF and then my DM. I found it the other day. If I didn't know it was me writing it, I wouldn't believe the stuff in it.

When I feel guilty about the things I didn't do, it will be a useful reminder of the things I did, and under what circumstances. I recommend it.

Hairbrush I don’t know how you cope!

Re smart phone, no, but I’m not going to encourage her to get one because I don’t think it’ll be any better and she’ll just drive me mad asking questions about it.

She didn’t manage to text so of course phoned while I was at work.

Annoying.

I still feel very ragey about it all. Irrational, I know.

I have had a classic moment with my mum and if I don't laugh I will scream! She has a zimmer frame provided by OT with a bucket and tray so she can carry stuff from room to room (hollow laughter) but she isn't using it, she isn't walking. The frame needs to be moved so she can see the tv or she can see who is sitting on the sofa or so she can see the armchair (you get the picture) and it has so much stuff on it that it is a major palaver to move it.

So I asked her at lunch time whether she needed it at the moment. She flared up straight away

"Of course I do! I use it every day!"

"What for mum?"
"To take myself to bed."
"You don't though? I push you!"
"Huh! You're hardly ever around when I go to bed!"

I am there EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I just hope that the social worker doesn't think I am lying when she talks to her.

I bet your DM has an old fashioned non smart phone Autumn, they are hopeless for texting. Any chance she might use an iPad? They are so easy even for the most technophobic, and especially for elderly eyes and fingers.

Autumn I'm retired. Even so, I'm finding it hard to find time for everything. (But I do do voluntary work, and I'm determined not to stop that - It's much easier to keep a social network going them it is to build one from scratch, especially if you're pushing 80 with all the health problems that entails, and my father could easily have 10 years in him, especially with his strong force for life). So never, ever, feel you're not pulling your weight!

We have a problem, being the earliest generation where women were expected to have careers. You're younger than me, but when I started work, it was very normal for women to give up work when they had children, at least until the youngest child was at school. So the mindset is still there in your mum's friends that it's the daughter's "duty" to look after parents because, after all, her job was really only something to keep her occupied while she had time on her hands.

Mere thank you. Most people see it as a normal commute. None of my friends have batted an eyelid at this. I’ve definitely set expectations too high among mum”’s friend I think, or should I say family friends. I’m not sure, some of them I like and some of them I don’t.

I’m working part time, not full time.

I asked mum yesterday to text me today as I’ve a slightly longer shift. She took it okay but did say “don’t panic if you don’t hear, it just means I’ve stuffed up the text”.

autumn You are doing so much! My journey is a 5 minute drive. And when he was living at home it was a 10 min walk. But even so, a two hour visit seems to take a big chunk from my day.

I had what used to be termed a "nervous breakdown" 20 years ago, but the enforced idleness left me able to take stock of my life in the way you're proposing to do - look at what I spent time on, and what value it gave me - it was one of the most useful things I've ever done. And, yes, it may mean you spend more money in order to buy time and sanity. One of my decisions was never to make a pair of curtains again

rose that sounds a really good plan, to structure your life around what fuels you and you want to do. Get some reserves in your tank.
It will then be easier to deal with your dm. And she may well surprise you with what she can accomplish.
Even my 90 plus year old dm surprises me sometimes when she does stuff.gives her a sense of achievement.

I normally stay the night because going to work is quicker from there

plus by the time I've eaten dinner, I can just plonk her in front of the TV!

yup, it's the child I never wanted to have.

Okay, end of rant. I've just arranged an Ocado Pass so that saves one chore. Also about to attack the flat for proper cleaning - it's my day off but I was too grumpy to go to mum's!

going to try and make a routine for myself and my leisure activities - none of which I've structured properly since dad fell ill - and then see where mum fits in around it.

Autumn I don't know how you manage it, a long journey and a moan, and another long journey home..

yolo and Mere thank you so much.

I have been feeling so guilty but I just can't do it any more. Have to try and drop back to once every ten days or something. Or less.

I think - maybe - when you have a long journey, it's even worse when you just have endless moaning at the end of it. Then you have the journey home!

To be fair, there are a lot of things getting on my nerves at the moment. Even just running errands in my horribly overcrowded part of outer London today - ugh. So I'm going to sit down and have a think about doing basics like getting food deliveries regularly. I normally go to Aldi and buy the Magic Roast Chicken, so it's going to be a shock, but I have to think of ways to preserve my sanity right now and it might involve spending a wee bit more!

hope everyone is coping all right

PS Mere, in terms of your son visiting, I guess that he too, wants that flexibility. yeah, that's why I bite back any impatient response autumn you sound much more generous of your time than I am.

I should be going today according to my schedule, and then on Saturday. But I think (based on his habits) that DS is likely to go on Sunday, and I have to go on Monday to pay the chiropodist, so I decided in bed last night that I'd go tomorrow instead, and suddenly today seems a lot less frazzled. It's a slightly long wait for him, but he'll then get visits both on Sunday and on Monday.

maddy mum can send a short text but she’d be upset if I asked her to do that most days. She’d wonder why I didn’t want to talk to her. I just can’t cope with the mournful tone. Or the long story of “what happened in the post office”, which will be...nothing.

Yes AutumnRose I really wish my mum could/would text, I'd love to be able to send and receive little informal messages through the day. She never got the hang of it even when her hands worked properly, I used to get messages saying 'bbb' or 'e', or any random collection of letters.

sandwich I think of the issues with being based in and around London is that those trips are so normal, even for a commute.

30 minutes is the walk from my place to the station, then the walk from the station to mum's. The latter is a lovely walk.

it can come in about 1hr 45 if you're lucky with connecting Tubes. I think there's a perception - also amongst friends who get annoyed with me because I don't like trekking all over the place with them - that all you've got to do is sit, while I find it stressful and get complete sensory overload.

I'm not going tomorrow. I've spoken to mum today and she sounded careful but cheerful - so trying not to upset me and indicate that she's all right with everything. I said I wasn't sure if I'd call tomorrow. She doesn't like to text but it would help me if she did - could confirm she's alive so to speak!

Welcome hairbrush
I certainly find with dm now she is a bit more mobile and I can step back for now from some hands on stuff, our relationship is better and she appreciates me more. I can do more of the treat stuff, not the grind.
And her knowing when she will see me helps- and gives me a bit of freedom.
autumn you sound so frazzled- and a two hour hoik each way is a long trip😮. Protect yourself.

PS Mere, in terms of your son visiting, I guess that he too, wants that flexibility. I guess we all want it.

also, I don't know why, but I can't get mum to understand that she can do what she likes with dad's stuff and I just want her to shut up about it. It's constant "can't you give this to your friend" - I don't know why she doesn't feel okay about giving it to charity, and when I meet friends I don't want to say "here's another reminder of dad".

I know she is trying to clear the house so I have a smaller job when she goes, but I can't help thinking I'll have to get house clearance in anyway, so what does it matter? I don't want to upset her by saying "I don't care where this goes" or "why are you asking me, do what you like".

It's like she never made a decision alone in her life. They met at uni so she hasn't, I suppose.

Mere "I visit DF in a care home every 3 days. And I find myself furious when DS rings up and says "I thought I'd go and see Grandad today" and I have to bite back the words "why didn't you bloody tell me earlier, then I wouldn't have gone yesterday!"

I can imagine. Mum's best friend is in a similar situation to mum. She has 2 daughters who visit for about 3 hours once a fortnight. To be fair, mum did tell me she would be okay with fewer visits, but after dad's death she would literally have sat in a heap if I didn't spend most of my time there.

no, she didn't have agency. She did more cooking, yes, but that's not something terribly helpful. Anything related to paperwork etc.

also, she gives off this helpless air. I was sympathetic that someone had to learn stuff at a late age but I have completely run out now.

I think you mentioned before that parents are reassured if they know when the next visit is. It sounds selfish but that's almost the bit - having to set a date, and if you wake up on that day feeling super tired etc, that's a 2hour one way journey I have to do.

So I have to tell her I need more flexibility.

yesterday, when I had a go and cried on the phone, she gave me the example "you didn't have to sort out the washing machine, I would have done it". But she asked me to sort out the washing machine.

she has no recollection of having asked for the help though probably.