The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

cat I don’t know what a norm would be but dads GP surgery sent a card.

Meanwhile, what’s everyone’s view on solicitors? Ours has been so slow and lacking in standards - I mean errors in paperwork that meant mum had to go in again to sign paperwork- I’m seriously thinking I’d like to complain against them when everything is settled but then it’s hardly worth the stress.

Too much has gone on by phone as well, which is difficult because mum doesn’t use email.

We actually had someone say casually “oh yes, I might have forgotten to send the probate documents to that bank”. One error I could forgive but they’ve got a few other things wrong.

I know a couple of people who dealt with probate themselves because they said solicitors would just charge for being inefficient and I’m beginning to see why they said that.

I'm not taking any action, autumn, though I did suggest as a "learning point" that they give training to agency staff on how to speak to relatives in these situations. I did not appreciate being told to "keep calm, my dear" when in fact I was calmness itself.

This is another thing. I haven't heard a word from the home since the day we cleared her room. After four years, it's as though she was never there. A small gesture like a condolence card, or at least a thank you for the flowers from the funeral which we sent to them, and the cash gift we left especially for the carers would have gone a long way.

fleas OMG that's awful. Are you taking any action - I understand it can be pointless stress, of course.

I kind of had the opposite. I didn't know that mum had asked for us to be notified by the hospice if his breathing pattern changed. Also frankly he had death rattle for days, which was confusing. Well, they told me it wasn't death rattle, so maybe I'm an idiot.

anyhoo....I got a phone call saying "your father is taking his last breaths" and I was thinking, why on earth would you ring to tell me that.....but it was because mum had asked them to and they told me after that they elected to call me rather than her because they thought it would be better for me to break the news.

oh lucky me.

but they were very nice, the hospice folk. I don't donate to big charities but the local hospice, yes.

yolo and cat that must be so hard.🌺🌺
No wise words.

That's lovely, autumn! My DM's care home used to have animal visits. I have a lovely photo of her petting a donkey brought in by the Donkey Sanctuary, another one with reptiles where she is looking not so impressed!

yolo I understand how you feel about your DM dying alone, In my case I was minutes away from mine having nipped home for a break. The agency nurse noticed a change in her breathing but didn't think to call me and left her alone to die while she finished her drugs round.

I could have been there.

I know in reality the morphine would have prevented her knowing whether I was there or not but ffs I had been sitting by her bed for days, they knew how close I was and would be back in a shot.

Three hours after her death I received a call from a different agency nurse to tell me "the body" had been collected by the funeral directors.

Sometimes it's the anger over these things that gets you through the initial grief.

Well, this care home is the one to be in!

www.itv.com/news/2020-02-05/dream-come-true-for-elderly-resident-amid-surprise-visit-from-friendly-penguins/

Oh yolo

Hugs to you. I remember this well because I was too tired to post but I was reading and the dates are similar aren’t they - 30th October for dad.

I think that’s why it helps to look at photos. I found some from a business trip he took when I was a kid and it’s nice to remember that whole range of life that he had.

Cat it’s good that the end of life version is receding. I’m also really glad you got a chance to mend the relationship

Autumn it's funny, I know she's dead but I don't believe it iyswim?

We had a difficult relationship which only really came together in her final years. In many ways I feel lucky I had the chance to fix things between us, despite all the crap that came with it. I've been avoiding looking at photos of her but I know I'll be able to in time. The end of life version of her is receding and I'm getting the real her back in my mind.

Hairbrush. Same. I keep thinking how much my DF would have loved the Internet, he was a very clever man and would have surfed to his heart's content, but it came too late for him.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I know exactly what you mean. When my dad was in hospital I used to cut stories out of the paper to read to him, the things that would have made him laugh. It's been seven years and I still think "Dad would love that!"

@thesandwich My cousin will wait on her hand and foot but the difference is that she will be in the house with them so it's not like she has to drop everything to go to her.

Cat I’m sorry, that must be so hard.

I used to chat to a photo of my dad. Might that help? I mean a photo of your mum, though you are more than welcome to chat to my dad too!!

hairbrush WOHOOOO! Brilliant,is this the chance to see what she actually needs? Bet cousin won’t do as much as you.
cat 🌺🌺

I'm reading this with interest because I'm still trying to look after my DM even now she's gone. A dozen times a day I think of things that she might like, or that I could take in for her. Occasionally this makes me sad, but mostly it reveals just how much of my headspace she occupied, even more when she lived with us at home.

We're about to go on holiday and for the first time in years I don't have to make a slew of arrangements to contact us or DC in case of emergency (which happened more than once).

I have somehow wangled myself a mother free weekend! My youngest has an offer holder day in Scotland and she said that all she wants for her 18th is to go to Scotland with me. Just the two of us. Mum is stropping because she loves Scotland and why can't we take her and she would pay for herself of course. Fortunately it says on the website that only one parent/guardian can be accommodate so we had to say no.

She is going to stay with my cousin although "she is only doing it to keep me quiet and she doesn't need anyone at all." Which makes me wonder why she calls me to help her dress/get to the toilet/open a bottle of lemonade/etc!

I never think of it as social conditioning

I think I pretty much missed all those memos!

But with mum, and an elderly neighbour I used to help out, I see the same thing. Something in them really brightens up.

Mum and I do have a very strong bond, dad actually told us he felt left out sometimes and we had to remedy that.

I know, yolo - and have to repeat it to myself as I walk to mums and plaster on the Teflon....... I do things like take flowers etc but am trying not to take on board responsibility for her happiness. I can make her life more pleasant and do.... but I’m not in control of her happiness.

Glad you are feeling less rageyrose
You are not responsible for your mothers happiness, only your own

yolo I feel less ragey which is definitely good! Thank you for asking xx

yolo maybe I’m weird but I found it upsetting, something like BT would have me in tears

The Tell Us Once is only for government depts though.

I’m okay. I spent today with mum, it seemed to cheer her up but I don’t know how long that lasts. I’m learning to separate myself I think.