The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

I think I’ve just read that thread. Good shout.

I guess the older we get the less open/willing to try "new" things we are?
Or maybe they can't accept they are ageing/needing more help?
My mum and I aren't close so not a conversation we could have.
I'm utterly exhausted today.
There is another thread open atm that makes for horrifying reading.
I'm going to signpost her here.

What is it with stairlifts? DM won’t consider one either. Social services put a handrail in but when Dad was in hospital about a month before he died we moved their bed downstairs into the front sitting room.

But she still insist on keeping all her clothes up there and goes upstairs to dress which worries me.

I have decided that I am not going to sit and have a cup of tea with DM when I visit anymore, but instead to use my time at hers productively. So I am starting to get on top of the cleaning and her paperwork (found the letters about paying for her TV licence which was a relief).

The only problem being that she follows me around and stands about a foot away from me quizzing me on what I am doing, and telling me the same story about her carer on repeat. I have to do the non committal grunt that the men in my family perfected (usually when they were reading the paper or watching the horseracing on TV).

It's a delicate balance though, as she is clearly incontinent, but in denial about it. So we both pretend that the sheets don't need changing as often as I change them.

blue
I hear you! Mum won't even consider aids which would allow her to stay where she is (commode, stairlift etc)
I'm so pissed off with my sister....luckily I only ever see her if she has a problem and wants me to sort it out.

I feel like I’m in an pensioner version of Supernanny. My Mum is perfecting distraction techniques each time I visit, she needs the commode every time I visit, even if the carers have just left, she doesn’t want to go to bed as it’s always too early (to be fair sometimes it is). She is contradictory in that she wants me to put her to bed but wants me to be at home with my family; she doesn’t want carers but is lovely when they arrive; struggles to walk a couple of steps so stairs are impossible, won’t entertain a stairlift but is desperate for a shower. I’m fortunate that she is just around the corner and I’m currently happy to go round every night but know that this cannot carry on long term. She gets confused more easily now...old age is rubbish.

We have found a family friend who hopefully will agree to be the certificate provider. Wish I'd done this ages ago instead of faffing around now.

The forms are quite easy to fill in by yourself. Unless affairs are very complex, no need for a solicitor.

When you make the finance LPA you can elect for it to start at any time or when you have lost capacity so it depends on what was in the lpa as to when it comes into effect.

I thought financial poa can be invoked by the donor at any time?

@yoikes
You can't unless it can be proved your mother no long has capacity.

A quick note on LPOAs:
Don't use a solicitor! Mum got absolutely shafted to the tune of over £1k! 😡
I managed to get her a refund though!
Can I have a bit of a rant???
We are looking for a rental house for mum...my "dear" sister has taken her to view a house in the worst area locally - drug dealers, loud parties, anti social behaviour...wtf????
And was encouraging her to apply!
So now I'm the bad guy for pointing that out...ffs 🤬
I've always known my sister was a self serving bitch but...😔
She is desperate to get mum a place and get her hands on some of the money from the sale of the house.
No idea how to protect mum going forward....do I suggest invoking the financial lpoa?
Arhh

Like seanbeanmarryme we also did it without a solicitor and using a (not close but trusted) family member as the Certificate Provider. I didn't know about the stamp from Amazon, that sounds really useful.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/make-a-lasting-power-of-attorney/lp12-make-and-register-your-lasting-power-of-attorney-a-guide-web-version#A10

If you scroll down a bit to section A10 it says who can and can't be a certificate provider. They need to be independant so can't be a relation or an employee. A friend or neighbour, someone from church or a social club could do it.

I told the GP receptionist she was wrong, I knew it didn’t need to be a solicitor. Plainly they don’t want to know.

I've just done finance PoA. The certificate provider needs to have known the donor for over two years or someone who has known them for under two years can do it if they know them in a professional capacity. I asked a friend who knows me and mum. You can do it yourself, the website leads you through it step by step and you can save it at any point. It is nowhere near as involved as applying for a blue badge. It prints to 22 pages but that is the full document and for me a lot of those pages were crossed through because they didn't apply.

You don't need a solicitor - your GP didn't want to do it.

My lovely best friend has just offered me her late Mum’s and is going to bring it down when she visits in a few weeks.

best could you get the to refer to ot or falls team? They can assess and often provide equipment free. Also can adjust heights etc.
Otherwise do you have an ableworld or similar disability store?
Red Cross also often provide equipment / rental

I asked at the GPs today about Certificate Providers and got a flat ‘no, you need a solicitor’. Helpful not.

I have thought of someone but will need to discuss it with mum.

Did you all do your own Power of Attorney and who did you get to be the Certificate Provider. Just wondering whether to attempt it myself or go to a solicitor.

Have filled in forms for attendance allowance, a blue badge and a pendant alarm service.

Also I think she needs a rollator or a tri Walker - anyone got any tips? She currently uses a stick but her balance is terrible and she’s much better with a supermarket trolly.

dint how’s your df? Still can't see him, but on the phone he sounds cheerful, though he hasn't rung me for a week. (I can't ring him, he hasn't worked out how to answer the phone, so I write him weekly letters instead). They're still trying to work out what is causing his anemia, but he's recovered from Covid and is apparently "doing his exercise" again - a daily walk from his room half the length of the building through lounges and back - he treats it with great seriousness and even puts a coat on for it.

Good luck nota

Glad things are looking up yoikes and sandwich - well done!

Hi nota sorry to hear things are still tough. A move sounds a v good plan.
Would it be worth looking at a housekeeper type person for a few hours a week? Often individuals known locally who clean/ go above and beyond? Our local postmistress is an expert.

That's good Yoikes.

Things here are ok, I'm committed to finding a different agency for DM who will also do things like hoover, buy bits of shopping etc, to take some of the burden off me. But while I was commuting, the timing of meeting new agencies etc was too much to consider. As I'm WFH for at least the next month, it means I can plan these things.

Things in my immediate family are still not good, and we are thinking of a quite major move to the coast which would mean I am no longer the daughter round the corner, but if I can get the right agency in place, I should be able to juggle my time better. (Here's hoping).

Great news yoikes
knot good progress! Where are you going for your gap year? Can I join you?
nota how’s things?
Here touch wood calmish..... dm finally got more visitors ( ie chiropodist, hairdresser, new cleaner etc, and hopefully a gardener who DIGS rather than chops weeds off......)
dint how’s your df?

Hello all,

Just wanted to thank the posters on here who recommended I apply for Attendance allowance for mum.
I did and she got the 1st payment today :)
Maximum amount too.

House is being sold and we are looking for somewhere more suitable for her. She has mentally already moved out I think!

Just FYI I got mum a sunflower lanyard that says she is exempt from wearing a mask due to COVID-19 (she has copd) which has worked really well.

She only really goes to the local shops and I take her but she feels better having it.

Hope everyone is OK?
I'm exhausted!