The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Oh sorry rose false dawn..... cruse sounds like a good call- I did skim read and thought cat was suggesting yourdm going on a cruise..🤭

Autumn have you thought of Cruse for your DM? They aren't counsellors in the sense she probably thinks, but they offer support especially for people who have been bereaved. It might help her to talk to people who have been in the same boat as her, and work out how to move forward. Their website looks promising.

Ooh I love a Yorkshire pudding

I KNEW mum was lying. Last weeks progress wasn’t progress at all. She can’t cope with the task she’s taken on, she’s been crying most of yesterday and I think when I left this morning she probably cried a lot more.

She won’t see a counsellor.

Congrats dint ! I can’t do them! 😉

and just moaning because previously dad did everything for her. I suppose every time she has to do something which her husband used to do for her, it's another reminder of her loss. But well don for the progress you have made.

mum referred to her as "the maid" which was embarassing. I suppose she partly retaining her own sense of self. It must be depressing to admit you need carers. Maids are a choice, carers are forced upon you.

I'm feeling cheery today - for the first time in my life I've managed to make yorkshire puddings which weren't just edible, but perfect! There's nothing stopping me now!

Wuthering sounds grim rose but leaving your mum to sort stuff sounds good....
Eventful trip yesterday taking dm out for lunch.... on return wheelchair taxi took an hour to do a ten min trip in the blizzard!! Driver was wonderful and dm took it in her stride.......😮😮 cars stuck and sliding everywhere......

the wuthering was awful on my high floor yesterday!

it's bad enough in a ground floor office!

I realised today - my phone is not going to ring with the Stressful Thing that I have handed back to mum

She has also agreed to pay bills on Direct Debit and stuff. I'll have to set those up when I next go. But I think I have sent a message that I really am extricating myself from things a grown woman can actually do for herself.

Thanks rose and yolo
Hope you are all coping in the wuthering!

Sorry sandwich I don’t know but hopefully someone will

What questions do you have, is it worth using one of the MN local boards?

Re mum, yes, I don’t know if I just have a Pavlovian response to “elderly” but she says things like “I have to write this letter and it’s so HARD” and actually, it’s just life. She doesn’t officially have arthritis but complains her hands hurt. That said, after I didn’t go this weekend, she’s done some deleting of texts on her phone which would have been left to me...

It’s hard to differentiate between her having real problems and just moaning because previously dad did everything for her.

Love the moving stories! How sweet about the toys. We were never that organised.....
All calmish here..... wheelchair taxi trips work well, v solicitous drivers.... and so far storm not too wild.
rose don’t feel bad- it will poke your dm into doing stuff. You deserve to get your life back.
Have asked on a separate thread but anyone know anything about live in carers? For a friend in Surrey ?

How’s everyone doing?

I’m feeling really bad. As part of the drive to get my life back, I’ve just told mum to deal with a stressful thing herself. It was too hard to do from a distance and she can do it herself, just finds is stressful. But she could live another 15 years so....

Mere I've actually got a spreadsheet myself and I think it might be more detailed than what the solicitors have.

Mum is not happy but I think just accepts the "solicitors are crap" line because she's never dealt with any before, but my experiences have been fine before this.

cat Even our vet sends condolence cards.

autumn That's shockingly slack of your solicitors. One of the reasons to use a solicitor is that everything is dealt with, no details are forgotten.

And then I arrived here and the previous owner had left a card, a beautiful new orchid plant, and list of local contacts that might be handy. I am going to do that when I move. Our previous owner left a small toy in every room so that our 4 year old would have something to do while we were moving in.

sandwich yes, it would

I genuinely think there’s an element of taking advantage of the bereaved/elderly

But mum would have to agree, I suspect when it’s all over she’ll want to forget it.

I actually helped a friend complain about a solicitor and she got a refund, but the errors were much clearer.

Dad was even worse at DIY than I am 😂 I’ve had to get mum’s nice neighbour in for a couple of things.

I’ve mentioned him before - he looks after everyone but his wife isn’t well at the moment so that might be the last straw. We - including mum - have offered to help however we can but mum is limited in what she can do and I’m only there two days a week. They seem very touched by mum offering to shop and cook though.

It’s nice to have community. Dad wasn’t a big fan, but I like it. I’m a very private person but I just tell people that and it seems to work out okay....so far...!

I went on a pre-retirement course where Will making was discussed. The trainer said on no account appoint solicitors to be your executors, they charge a fortune for it.

I realised that's exactly what we had done, so we added a codicil to our Wills making our DD executor instead. She won't thank us when the time comes but at least she may end up with some inheritance!

Lovely to have good memories, rose and yolo . My df died over 30 years ago but cherish memories of watching him do diy stuff so carefully- my dh is similar and it is a nice reminder as is the smell of new wood, and toolbox.
I complained about our solicitor over conveyancing and got a much reduced bill- worth thinking about autumn if it would stand the emotional cost/ benefit test...... would it make you feel better?

ooh yolo I just googled that

I need some heat resistant glue for something on the balcony, I might try that!!

re the solicitors, I wonder how many solicitors get away with a really bad service because people just can't face the complaints procedure, particularly for probate.

yolo aww, you did that too! Here was spotless as well, you could have eaten your dinner off the floor.

It is actually one of my memories of dad now - he did a huge chunk of the packing in my rented flat and when I unpacked here, I realised he’d wrapped the fragile stuff so much you could have chucked it out of the window and it wouldn’t break 😂

Mum started the unpacking here and dad and I went to get fish and chips. It was the first time he saw the flat and he really liked it.

I think that was a moment of moral support that I didn’t really consider. Of course I could have moved alone but as I get older I realise more and more that some people don’t have olds who would even think to offer help.

I should definitely whine less 🤔

yolo funny isn’t it, the estate agents, solicitor - well everyone involved - with buying my flat - were super efficient. Dad commented at the time because he said he’d never heard of a move going so smoothly.

And then I arrived here and the previous owner had left a card, a beautiful new orchid plant, and list of local contacts that might be handy. I am going to do that when I move.

Did you consider asking for any money back from your solicitor? I don’t want to put mum through stress but if it means we have a chance of getting some money back, it might be worth it.