The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

hairbrush oh that’s horrendous. So selfish.

Is it you that has a granny flat, so to speak?

@AutumnRose1 - loving "She aint heavy - she's my mother" really feeling the weight today.

She is very determined that I need to help her, not carers. She needs help to dress and it is my job to do that. She is in so much pain she can't possibly dress herself (I don't dispute that) but she doesn't see the restrictions she is placing on me.

I am going out this evening with my husband - will leave dinner for her and my daughter - but instead of coming home and having a glass of wine/cup of tea I will have to go to her and put her to bed by which time DH will have given up waiting for me and will be settled in front of the tv watching some documentary or other. In fairness he has no idea how long it will take me to sort her out so I can't expect him to hang around for an hour waiting for me but I wish she would be willing/prepared to go straight to bed when I get in instead of wanting to witter and faff for half an hour!

Rant over. Smile stuck back on face. Off to reclaim the hallway from the dogs!

Mere “ It's just that when a neighbour gets involved it's possible that they start feeling that they shouldn't be doing so much, and it's the family's job, and therefore the fact that they are helping means the family isn't doing enough.“

I think there might be a misunderstanding here. Mum thinks the neighbour isn’t doing enough.

I live 2 hours away so the neighbour offers help with stuff partly because of that. I don’t think the neighbour thinks I’m not doing enough.

Dad was very conscious of being a burden, I really respected his clarity there, but just now I’m respecting it even more!

autumn Sorry, I meant "be fair in your description" you don't have to go back to Victorian times to be into paper ledgers and no internet banking - spreadsheets didn't come into regular use until the 80s. But not allowing you to use a spreadsheet is a bit extreme! I don't do internet banking with Dad's money, and I don't use his cards on-line because he wouldn't want to do that himself. But even he is happy for me to store everything on a spreadsheet. So my sympathy is completely with you on that one.

Sorry - I was probably being paranoid about the neighbour. It's just that when a neighbour gets involved it's possible that they start feeling that they shouldn't be doing so much, and it's the family's job, and therefore the fact that they are helping means the family isn't doing enough.

You don't need to keep up the pretence that you need her, just don't deny it. First she'll realise that you don't need her for practical things, or for wise advice, just hope she doesn't realise that you don't need her as a loved family member, it would be a very difficult thing to realise about your own daughter. But I don't see any need to bring the day of realisation forward.

🎤🎤
So life is long, with many a winding turn
That lead us to death, so I try to live free
And I'm stroppy, stroppy ‘bout holding her
She’s so heavy - she's my mother

So on we go, her welfare is my concern
My burden to bear, we'll get there
Wherever in the name of blue fuck that is
I’m so stroppy - she’s my mother.
🎤🎤

I know the penultimate line doesn’t scan, I just needed to get that out in a safe environment 😂

I’m going to do some pre bed yoga now! Good night Cockroach Cafe, I love you!

yolo I doubt you’ll hear from the hospital again I’m afraid.

sandwich how are you?

I’m all right in that I do have time for myself but I think she needs to be left to manage, even if it is by making poor choices. I’ve just been chatting with an elderly lady in my block of flats. She gets vertigo and says it comes and goes and she doesn’t take anything for it.

I looked online and nhs website says you might not get given anything.

Oh well, she has capacity, if she doesn’t want to go tomorrow I can’t do anything about it. I think that’s the cycle I need to break - interfering with her decisions.

rose I do feel for you. Your dm sounds like a vortex of doom.
Getting her to the docs does sound important on Monday.
What are you doing for you?
yolo any response from hospital? How is dh?
How’s everyone else doing?

yolo "I found it really difficult to give her the support she wanted, the sitting and listening to her moan, how awful her life was."

yes, I can't do that. she thinks she's just having a bad week - I hope so.

tbh mum is so frail, if she broke a bone, she'd be disabled I think.

She's told me to stop fussing. I am hoping she will just sit quietly this afternoon and maybe get out of her mental fug a bit.

mum also has depression and anxiety generally but refuses to take meds, even though she can see I'd never have held down a job without taking them.

after dad died, we did all right watching films and stuff to keep her occupied but she's now saying she doesn't want to watch anything.

two of her close friends are away at the moment - together. I think the combination of me handing over some legal work, them being away etc has given her a big downer.

yolo "Mine got to the point where she wouldnt tell me she'd fallen over sometimes because she knew I would make her get checked out."

I can understand that...I mean if she got up, felt okay and couldn't face going to the doctor or hospital because it happens so often. That's what happens with mum's atrial fibrillation. I totally understand she'd rather settle a bit and hospital makes her feel worse.

but I also think this is vertigo - so does she - so why she wants to let it get worse is beyond me. It's just one GP appointment, it's not the whole A&E thing we were asked to do for AF attacks.

I also pointed out the nurse practitioner might be able to prescribe in which case she would probably be seen tomorrow, but no.

thank you all for the support

thank you

I rang her and said this and she said "oh well, if I'm destined to fall, that's what will happen". Le sigh.

Now she wants to wait and see how she feels over the weekend. Not a coincidence as I am going on Monday so could accompany her if she wound up with an urgent appointment.

rose sorry to hear this. Yes I would push her to see any doc- it could be vertigo which is easily treated with medication. Ear infection- so many things. 🌺good luck.

sorry, me again

rang mum at lunchtime to check on her

she's suffering mild dizziness but wouldn't take any doc appointment offered because it's not her doctor unless she waits 3 weeks.

obviously it might be stress etc but how concerned would you all be? Would you push her to take an appointment with anyone?

Mere It's been around 40 years!

Also, you say "be fair" - I'm not asking her to do her own banking. I'll do it. But as long as she won't let me keep records on a spreadsheet, I can't do it.

I didn't really follow what you are saying about the neighbour, sorry.

If thinking I need her is the only thing that keeps her going, then surely that's a pretence that can't be kept up? It will kill me to do that. And sooner or later it's bound to hit her that her 44 year old doesn't "need" her?

As long as she wants to run a Victorian style ledger, she has to do it herself. Be fair! Computer and telephone banking hasn't been around that long! It wasn't till my 20s that credit cards and debit cards arrived.

Yes, keep an eye on the neighbour situation. If you find neighbour has been saying of agreeing "her daughter doesn't do anything, just leaves her" you will have to stay tough. I think it's always more difficult for children, parents feel able to ask more of them and say more to them. So people outside the situation never really understand the enormity of the parent's needs or demands.

Something I found with my father - there was no point in trying to solve all the problems, because there were always more. But if I solved one problem per visit, no matter how small (once I solved the problem of his shopping bag dragging on the floor by tying knots in the handles to shorten them) he could see progress and was happy. But then he may be a nicer person than your mum.

If what's keeping her going is how much you need her, I wouldn't burst her bubble.

sandwich For the past 60 years, I haven't been able to make Yorkshire puddings either. There's hope for you yet.

RedGrape I am sorry you're going through so much hassle. I have actually said I will not be executor for anyone's will now.

Confession - one of the reasons mum is upset is because I handed a legal matter to her. She said she could cope but I didn't do too well either. The solicitor is horrendous and I think might actually deal better with a vulnerable old lady as they have clearly taken against me.

I can only say this here - please don't flame me - but in the end, it seems fairer that mum deal with her own matters and get all the stress than for me to do it. It's her money, it's not mine. She can keep arguing it will be mine but it might all go on nursing home fees.

Plus, she is constantly saying she is bored and has nothing to do while I have to sneak out of the office to call the solicitor!

Cat I was like that - angry then emotional - but I've hit the point where I'm just angry. I shouted at Dad's photo yesterday for leaving such a mess behind!

@Myimaginarycathasfleas that is so very touching, and brings tears to my eyes. Struggling with my own parents at the moment, get so angry one minute, then filled with emotion the next. Guess all part of the process. Good to read experiences of others on here, don't feel so alone and abnormal lol. Best wishes to you

(delurks) Currently executing my Mum's will - I hadn't realized how much confusion one particular clause would cause me - I think I'm going to have to ask solicitors to walk me through the Land Registry stuff as even the LR themselves won't be drawn on which forms exactly I should fill in! Her OH gets to stay in the house but once he dies/moves e.g. to care home)/gets swept off his feet by a rich Gloria Hunniford lookalike and marries, it comes to me.
I understand I'm executor for various other rellies' wills so now I'm thinking I should ask for copies or at least redacted copies so I can check stuff out in advance while they're still here...
But yes actually getting probate was a doddle, and I have been very firm on not having solicitors be executors. You can always pay them for bits and bobs as I have.
In fact I have a solicitor friend who's been very helpful - I don't want to take advantage but I might ask her what exactly I should be asking a solicitor to do, as the one I've talked to about a slightly different aspect of the will said something that I think might not be strictly necessary depending on your (my) plans...

I always think of a cruise ship as being the germ equivalent of using the Tube several times a day

It’s hard to tell how fit mum is. Very frail. Certainly can’t do more than walk 10 mins to the high street.

I don’t want to out myself but I was on this thread under two different names before. Mum is someone who did nothing for herself and had to learn to pay a bill from scratch, but she also doesn’t use a computer or do telephone banking.

If anyone knows my old usernames, please don’t announce them.

But if you remember that person, then mum has come a very long way, but still won’t let me do anything in a computer either,f it concerns her finances.

As long as she wants to run a Victorian style ledger, she has to do it herself.

I can do more for her from a distance, but if she won’t allow it, I can’t do anything.

I do realise that grief comes in waves and from her perspective, it’s not yet 18 months.

She is basically a decent person but when she said about the neighbour not helping enough, I heard alarm bells. He has a mother in 90s, children with a lot of demands re grandchildren IMHO, and now his wife isn’t very well. So that comment concerned me.

If she’s going to cry over paperwork that all of us do everyday, yes, I’m well out of sympathy.

thesandwich an actual cruise would be another alternative..😂

Her doctor suggested CRUSE
In fairness, it does look like a counselling service?

Hopefully it’s just a bad patch because she had been better.

I’m not offering to help more as she’s possibly been spoiled a lot again after dad’s death. She’s now saying that the lovely neighbour, who does tons for her, isn’t doing enough. As if he has to do anything at all....

One thing she’s still really worked up about is the amount of crap dad has left. We’re still trying to chuck it or donate it, bit by bit. I don’t want to be cruel but I’m wondering if I ought to point the hard fact....she can leave it, because if she either moves or dies, it will be me hiring a skip for everything anyway. I’ll pay the costs myself to be spared the task.

I’ve also avoided saying this because of her anxiety, but chances are, I’ll live in that house when she’s gone. I’d empty every last bit of of it so it really doesn’t matter to me, I’ll need a skip if that happens.

Of course I realise the house could go on care home fees, I’m not counting on it.

Would a dose of reality be helpful for her? She talks a lot about how hard my life will be when she’s gone. It’s bizarre. But she’s hooked on it as a reason for living.