The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

I've just been having a quick chat with mum, I'm going there tomorrow.

she is feeling better physically. I don't know if she genuinely can't remember stuff or is just being uncertain of what she wants, but once again it has come up that she wants to go somewhere on the Tube, I am not prepared to take her, she has plenty of money for a cab....gah.

More moans about the usual shit. Welcome to adulthood at 81, mother.

I might have to be ill for next week's visit.

hairbrush yes, it's funny how things work on this thread!

how are you?

A couple of days ago I was going to stop reading the posts in this section. Now I have read @Parsley65's story and feel like running out and embracing my mum for the sheer joy of knowing she is in the granny annex and not 20 miles away.

nota how do you not scream at that kind of thing?

Well done yolo!

Parsley I notice with my dad the obvious solution doesn't seem to occur. To a man of his age, like it or not, the obvious solution from back in the days when he was growing up was that a woman of the house would do it. And when you're very old, even though you don't have dementia, your early life looms more important and things you've learned in later life recede into the background.

My dad was having trouble because the cloth bag he was using for his shopping dragged on the floor. I said "why don't you tie a knot in the handles to shorten them? "Oh, that's clever, I never thought of that!" This was a man who was at the cutting edge of research in his field when he was working.

The learning point for me is not to assume the obvious solutions have been tried and found wanting. It's too easy to assume that the obvious steps have been taken and start to thinking about more complex solutions. Make sure you've suggested the obvious and simple solutions first.

I feel your pain Parsley. My DM doesn't like it when DB and I split the responsibility for things like taking her to medical appointments as 'he works'. (I also work, full time, commute and have two kids).

She is currently angling for me to take her to get her hair cut as she doesn't like having someone coming to the house to do it. DB visits on a Saturday, but she won't ask him to take her.

Omg........

Parsley
I don’t have enough 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 for that.

I just had a phone call from my Father aged 92. He doesn't have dementia.

He had taken a bowl out of the microwave and it was hot and he'd dropped it.
He asked if I could go over in the morning to clean it up.

I said "but my brother is coming over to see you in the morning. He can do it"

My Df said "Can he?"

Me: "Yes, of course. Why not?"

Df: "I didn't think of that!"

Just for reference my brother lives two miles away from him and is a bachelor. I live 20 miles away and have two children.

I'm tearing out my hair...

yolo have you spoken to your local MP? Might be worth sending them a copy. And head of local health authority maybe.

Well done on fighting for this.

yolo I’m so glad you have had a response from the hospital which acknowledges some of their mistakes and it sounds as if it could make a difference to others.
Well done for fighting for your dm. Will that give you some degree of closure?

hairbrush Don't feel you have to help others on here - there's lots of us around, someone will be able to help, it doesn't have to be you. Be focussed on the threads that will help you, and try not to even read ones that may bring back memories. Or just duck out completely, and only come back when you want specific advice or a rant.

Autumn reading further down your post, it looks like you've got a good neighbour there, and my fears are unfounded.

Autumn Yes, of course Mum thinks the neighbour isn't doing enough, that's taken for granted! As far as the neighbour's concerned I'm projecting my own experience of "neighbours" telling me how they go in once a week and see "old Mrs X", followed immediately by "she's got family, but they don't do anything - she's lucky if she sees her daughter once a week". There's no evidence of your mother's neighbour feeling like that, but it's a common feeling. I might be completely off-beam.

Hello nota you okay yourself?

I seem to have dropped off this thread, so just popping in to say hello.

Life goes on in much the same way, so nowt to report.

hairbrush I understand..... this is a random group of internet strangers so think hard about what you are getting/ giving-
Sounds brutal but you are giving so much of yourself to your dm. It’s fine to dip in and out, only if it helps.
It can be a brilliant source of support and advice, but if that c9mes at too high a price...

hairbrush I’ve had times where I’ve thought the board wasn’t good for me but in balance decided it keeps me sane, and civil, for the outside world. My friends would be shocked at my wee song there.

It’s best to get it out here than say it to the wrong person.

But maybe have a break and see how you feel. There are particular threads where I don’t go because they’re too stressful.

Yes - she is my fairy at the bottom of my garden.

I am trying to decide whether this section of Mumsnet is good for me or not. I was replying to the person who was struggling to feed her mum while she was in hospital and I had a full on panic attack remembering the agony of being told wait in the relatives room knowing it was where my cousin was when she was told her mum had died. I have been in floods of tears all day with the frustration/hopelessness and guilt.