The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

whenever someone on MN - never heard it in real life - says "old age is better than the alternative" - I scream!!

Interesting to hear about our feelings of resentment and desire not to be like this ourselves!

My Df 92 always said if he ever 'got old' to put a pillow over his face and I think he believed it at the time. Now he's determined to cling on to life by the fingernails, even though he is frail, housebound, has more things wrong with him than I can count and is chronically bored!

I am mid 50's with teenagers and will be very happy to bow out at 75 or 80 (or earlier if ill) to avoid putting my kids through the kind of stuff my Father puts me through.

I visited him yesterday and always dread going, while he tells me how much he enjoys it and is counting off the days until my next visit! The guilt is terrible, but even though he is so bored he won't socialise with 'the boring old people' in his retirement village

quirrels as we’re speaking frankly....mum had me at 38. Dad was first ill when I was 16. But in 20s and 30s you’ve got more energy to deal with work and hospital etc etc so tbh I don’t think I’d feel better if I was dealing with it later.

I’m resentful and my parents were lovely!

Snugglepiggy I think the resentment is common. My mother was very absent during my childhood, she was, and would still like to be, a social butterfly who was never at home. She often expressed surprise at how involved I was with my own DC. She liked having grandchildren for the competitive grandmotherly conversations with friends but I got little real practical help. She also likes having staff , a cleaner who also takes her shopping and runs errands. She's rubbish at cleaning but I am very grateful that it takes the pressure off us.

My biggest regret about having DC late is that they are likely to be faced with sick / elderly parents while in their 20s or 30s.

Meant sight obviously.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but just want to let off steam after another call out..2 elderly relatives.One who refuses all help because she 'can manage' ie.housebound,frail,failing site.Reliant on myself and siblings otherwise no food in house,bed not changed and despite being told we don't need to worry and go if we miss a day she is miserable and 'hasn't spoken to a living soul'
Plus losing it somewhat so hovers outside and talks to passing random strangers.That's no 1 and I'm going to get tough and tell her for our sake ,not hers we are getting some help at least 3 days a week.
No 2 loves having 'staff'.Already has a home help and cleaners but has us on speed dial and likes everything sorted immediately .Its not fair but I think I resent this more because she's never married,had family and apart from a teeny bit of babysitting for us years ago- and only when she had absolutely nothing on otherwise that day -has pretty much looked after herself and no one else all her life.
It's not their fault they are now frail and in their 90s but they have both had 30+ years of pension since 60 and never experienced this 'sandwich ' situation of working,helping with GCs and elderly care.I have made a vow not to do this to our DC s.To put things in place so they can visit largely because they want to,not because they have to.And if I insist on staying in my own home ensure I accept help,and have realistic expectations of what my DCs can do with all theiir other commitments.Aaargh !It is a selfish vent because comparatively DH añd I do very little compared to some carers.I just wake up everyday with this sense of responsibility and feeling tired by it,on top of everything else.

AutumnRose1 That's an interesting point. We tend to think of those end of life declarations as only for the elderly. DH and I have wills, we even have LPAs set up with DC as attorneys should the need ever arise, but I never thought about DNRs and the like. I might well look into it.

Quirrel, good that you and/or sis will be there.

I know what you mean re exit strategy. I had the brush with mortality at 37, am 44 now. It’s a very thought provoking thing, though easier for me I guess, as single and childfree.

Mine was an accident, which I think is problematic because I think doctors will fight to save someone even if there’s a document saying “no extraordinary measures”. I’d like to make that document but fear the GP will take it badly, so to speak.

After being told yesterday she was medically fit for discharge DM has now relapsed had a bad turn in the night and is back on oxygen. Precisely what we feared might happen at home. Of course when I tried to explain this to DM she would have none of it and denies ever being ill. Still waiting for a call from social worker about when they will do the assessment but we will be there in person. Sis on hospital visiting today but I will go if necessary.

It's all so depressing.
I am 61 and DM is 85. I see myself in 20 years time in her shoes (though my health might suggest I won't last that long). A brush with mortality myself this last year made me feel very strongly that I want an exit strategy for myself. I don't want the grim decline that very old age brings and I don't want to die slowly of cancer.

Thanks to those asking re visit

I turned up looking so miserable, I think she realised I couldn’t cope with another week like last week, and was better.

She hadn’t been to the doctor, but I managed to persuade her to make an appointment. The dizziness is occasional, she says.

Mere “ It's really time they sorted out elder care funding - the way some people are funded completely no matter how much savings they have ”

How does that happen?

Sorry to hear of increased costs. I walk past a large care home enroute to work and I constantly see staff keeping the front looking good. I wonder how much that costs.

Pineapple welcome along. I’ve got a friend whose parents don’t understand that she’s self employed and seem to think it’s an excuse to sit home doing naff all. Must be so frustrating.

Quirrel welcome along too
are you going to the hospital? The trouble is, they’re so keen to discharge they need to see the named people saying “no I can’t look after the patient.”

yolo just suggested those so the hospital knows everyone’s keeping an eye.

Yep, yolofish has it dead right.

I've just received notice of the annual price increase for my father's nursing home - 5.6% !!! That's 2.5% ABOVE inflation.

I can see why - increase in minimum wage, some improvements to the building (redecoration, carpet replacement, roof repairs, new office - current one is about 6ft square, barely room for manager and administrator to be in there at the same time), and the rate paid by the Council becoming more and more adrift from the actual cost so self-funders have to pick up the tab.

It's really time they sorted out elder care funding - the way some people are funded completely no matter how much savings they have and others have to give up their house and all their savings; and that if you are a self funder, you're paying 40% more than a council-funded residentie you're paying not just for yourself but nearly half of someone else's care too. But they won't get past the two arguments "why should I fund someone else's inheritance" (because at the moment inheritance is a matter of chance, and there's little incentive for anyone to save) and "they'd have to pay for themselves at home so why shouldn't they have to pay for themselves in care" (because most people pay £1000 - £2000 a month to live at home, not many of us are paying £4000 a month).

Thanks yolo and hello pineapple. There has been a referral to hospital social workers. Unfortunately the doctor had told her this morning she could go home and when I called to visit she greeted me with "I'm going home tomorrow". She has decided that my sis can go and stay with her, this in spite of knowing that sis has full time job and other commitments.
I will remember the phrase unsafe discharge. I am thinking the social workers might be easier to handle than DM though......

quirrell I echo yolos wise wisdom..... “ unsafe discharge” I recall from others here is a key phrase...
pineapple it sounds really tough- all you can do I suppose is be ready with info and knowledge when they will accept it.... certainly getting them to accept cleaners/ gardeners early on means it’s easier to get them to accept carers later....
autumn hope your visit to dm wasn’t too grim.....

Just found this thread and wondered if I may join you all.

My parents are both mid-70s and live independently around 2 hours from me. I have a brother but he is much further away. Mum and Dad are both total technophobes but have been fine until recently, over the last 18 months to 2 years Dad has been getting a bit more confused. Mum has had the dementia nurse in for the standard tests, which he passed, and he had a MRI, which was fine. But he's still talking about visiting relatives who died 20 years ago, or asking mum where she's going when she just told him 2 minutes before.

The signs aren't good to be honest and I worry about my mum's ability to advocate for my Dad. She's educated, switched on and understands everything, but is quite intimidated by doctors, especially someone more senior than the GP. She wouldn't DREAM of questioning, or pushing for a second opinion. She also doesn't want me involved at this stage which is fine. She knows the offer is there.

As with most people in this situation I have my own busy life - three children, the oldest doing her scottish A-level equivalents this year, the youngest starting senior school in August. Signed up to start a Masters part-time in October. Freelance and self-employed (another bone of contention as mum and dad don't really understand what I do as it's not a "proper job" and they don't understand anything internet-related).

We're early stages. But I can see the next decade being challenging.

Hello, I think I need this thread.
DM is 85 and lives alone. Her health has worsened gradually, she has a complex combination of heart failure and lung problems which mean her mobility is limited by shortness of breath. Sister and I each live about 40 minutes away in opposite directions.

I've had my own problems with a cancer diagnosis last year. Coming out the other side now but not fighting fit by any means. While I was ill my sister shouldered the bulk of the problems but we have another crisis and it's my turn.
Last year DM had pneumonia and when she was discharged from hospital there was no care package, I don't know why, I suspect mum just told them her daughters would look after her. Sis had a terrible time because mum got Cdif and then had a fall in the middle of the night. She was constantly being called out.

Now mum is back in hospital with pneumonia again. The doctor has said she is fit for discharge and she has told them her DD will be staying with her. She won't. My sister has other things going on and I am not well enough to take on residential care duties.
It does feel like everyone I know is going through nightmares with elderly parents. My mother can be manipulative, appear to be at deaths door and then flick a switch and be the life and soul of the party. I fear this is going to be a long and stressful saga.

the fact that DB was a 'saint' for doing stuff I did for 3 days at a time when I did it the rest of the time... It's things like this that make me glad to be an only. "Sharing the burden" seems to extract a high price.

Parsley I think just the summary is 😱😱😱

Thank you all for making me feel that I'm not losing my mind!

I have a good relationship with my Df, but must admit that things like this do cause strain.

If you really want some schadenfreude, then have a look at at my post in AIBU in September last year (sorry, I don't know how to signpost it) about my Df and his much younger, dodgy carer. He's left her money in his will, claims to be 'in love' with her, etc.

It'll make your toes curl...