The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

Sending strength hairbrush. You can get through this and please don’t feel guilty. You deserve your own time. It will get easier. Often on these boards we talk about applying Teflon to the shoulders to protect ourselves- sending you a bucket load

So it's 10 a.m. and I haven't seen her for 12 hours! I feel ridiculously guilty because I know she is unhappy. But we've got to get through this. I am going to spend an hour or so with her this afternoon which I don't normally do.

Oh I see, that makes more sense.

I admire you for dealing with this so kindly

Hers - had I made sure that all the things I make sure about every single night and have done for the past 7 years have been done? This is going to be a learning curve for both of us. I felt so guilty when I got home I nearly went back to sit with her for half an hour!

Hairbrush “ She wanted to know if everything had been turned off in the living room? Was the door locked? Had I closed the curtains? Yes, yes and yes!”

Sorry, do you mean in your bit of the house or hers?

So the carer came just before 9 and mum said that she would get ready for bed then come back to the living room. I nearly cried because I know she would then need me again at 10 o'clock to help her to bed. But the carer said that she had to leave her in bed so that was that.

I did say she could call me for a chat if she wanted to. Less than 5 minutes after I came in when I was trying to balance three bowls of dog food while three dogs tried to get me to feed them she rang! She wanted to know if everything had been turned off in the living room? Was the door locked? Had I closed the curtains? Yes, yes and yes!

I can't believe I am sitting here at 10 o'clock with the dogs fed just waiting now for DH to come home. Peace!

hairbrush she has had quite a bit of disruption... but hold the line. She will get used to it, no doubt moan but you deserve to have some time out and with weddings etc going on, you have other priorities.
Good luck!

she keeps saying she is all shaken up and confused because she doesn't know what's happening I've been surprised at how unsettled my father is at the tiniest changes to routine. It's seems to be a common feature of the elderly.

Yes - we had the weekend away. Even though she had been poorly. She went to my cousin and was well and truly pampered.

She was also told that she would be staying with my cousin for the duration of my daughters' weddings thus leaving me free to look after the girls. Obviously she will be at the weddings - my cousin's children are in the wedding party and the little girl will be with us - but my cousin will get mum dressed and take her to the church in her car leaving me free to hitch a ride with the bridesmaids.

Mum isn't very happy this evening - she keeps saying she is all shaken up and confused because she doesn't know what's happening but I have promised to stay until the carer arrives so it's not like a complete stranger walks in on her.

Not going to have the most fun evening with her tonight but it will be ok eventually.

hairbrush that’s brilliant!! Did you get your weekend away?

A carer coming at 9! Brilliant. My mum's come at 6 and they argue (every day) about whether it's too early for dinner. Lol at the amazon bots, mine is simultaneously recommending books on parenting teenagers and incontinence products

We have had an unexpected development. Mum came home from staying with my cousin and announced that she was in charge of her life and if she didn't want carers she wouldn't have them.

Then this morning I was just getting her breakfast when she had a call - the carer was outside and couldn't find the house. Apparently Social Services were supposed to tell us that she was coming but they hadn't.

So although she didn't want it she now has carers coming in twice a day. The lady that came this morning is lovely and mum liked her.

Then the company phoned me and made a appointment to come and do the paperwork on Friday morning. Mum has always gone to bed at 10 p.m. but the carer will be coming at 9 p.m. I am walking on air! The thought that I can be with her all evening and home on my sofa by 9 o'clock is amazing.

I'm the same Sandwich, I think I've broken the Amazon bot.

Thanks for all the experiences! V useful
My amazon preferences are v erm interesting these days.........
Hope everyone is doing ok.

And in case it's helpful for anyone else reading this - pants can be got rid of quickly and easily by tearing down the sides and pulling out like a pad. No need to drag sodden pants all the way down the legs and over the feet. There is a tear line, but not very obvious, and I didn't realise till I saw a care worker doing it.

Ah - with dad, getting rid of the pad is no problem, problem comes if he's left it too long and has leaked, when of course it's a full change anyway. These are huge pads. Maybe it's easier with men, with the bulk of the padding at the front.

If faecal incontinence, then definitely pants.

Sorry in advance if TMI, but if she is likely to do a full wee you will probably need to remove trousers and pants anyway to get at the pad. They are OK for small accidents but awkward when sodden.

The Tena pants at least hold everything together.

Thanks Dint strange the things that we are becoming experts on!

I think I might be in with a better chance of selling her on pads in the first instance.

nota Trouble with pants is that if your Mum wears trousers, you have to do the whole remove shoes/remove trousers every time she needs changing.

I don't think pads by themselves cause soreness, it's the combination of wetness and a pad (wetness will cause soreness, but faster if it's a pad which has the capability of moving against the skin and therefore rubbing). Something else that might be worth trying is a pad in conjunction with snug-fitting waterproof pants - there are some very nice ones around now which have a nice soft cotton feel and none of that crinkly/cracklyness one associates with plastic pants.

Thanks for the tip Yolo and Fleas, I'll see if I can pop to Asda and get some Tena pants before they get rationed!

I'm ok, starting to dread Mother's Day already as it will be stressful.

Nota my sympathies, I had the same problem with my late DM. I recommend Tena Discreet, they look like ladies knickers but do the job. My DM really took to them. Shop around for them, they are often on offer.

Be prepared though, there will still be accidents. If you can encourage her to go at regular intervals that should help.

We had an invisible lady who was responsible for my DM’s occasional mishaps

Like Dint my DM doesn't seem to have picked up on CV, she doesn't watch the news and doesn't read newspapers.

I'm still struggling with the issue of incontinence. The main struggle being she refuses to admit that she has a problem, despite evidence to the contrary. My SIL works in a care home and she advised against pads as apparently they make the oldies sore, so I have bought her a box of disposable pants, but need to find a way of encouraging her to wear them.

How effective would washable period pants be for urine incontinence I wonder?