The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

No that’s impossible - I can hardly leave her in distress over night when she’s “glitching” or having a panic attack as the fluid has built up in her lungs when she wandered from the house - the MHSOP duty team did nothing . The writing is on the wall as far as I can see. I had a glimpse last year with two admissions of pneumonia . I can’t sleep tonight. I’ve made the decision to ensure I have a grab bag and not to drink alcohol so I can be called upon at any time .

Oh @ConnieBowskill I am so sorry.

I had a long chat with MiL this afternoon and we have decided not to meet up until it's over. She has plenty of family around her able to leave food/meds on her doorstep so not really worried.

My mum is struggling so much with the carers. Claiming she doesn't need them. But they seem to be wise to her!

I have just cancelled daughter's 18th party -

a) it was in a pub
b) her siblings can't travel
c) her grandmothers can't go.

I don't know how isolated mum is going to be - we have reluctantly agreed that she won't be visiting my cousin for the foreseeable and my uncle, who visits her twice a week is also self isolating because he is also a vulnerable age. I'm glad the family aren't coming home because I don't want them visiting her.

But with the carers coming I am finding it so much easier to spend time with her socially - even though I am doing stuff for her - cleaning etc. But just knowing I can walk out the door when I'm ready makes me feel so much better.

geek so you mean you are debating not seeing her?

I’ve just had this chat with mum again and luckily she finds it all bonkers so is fine for me to visit as usual.

The grannies are 85 and 87, no carers but one has two or three falls a week so has people going in for that. One has a brother that visits but as he's in his 70s he will be self isolating too. I will be leaving the house just to food shop and walk in the woods because this is only going to hold together for as long as I am well. After that we switch to Plan B although I'm not sure what Plan B is yet.

Neither can do online food shopping, neither can use FaceTime or equivalent. I am the only person they will see. I'll worry about next week when it comes, there's nothing I can do except keep on keeping on (and coming up with Plan B)

I have primary aged school children . 85 year old mum has vascular dementia and presents well some days , canmanage personal care and simple meals . She has carers x 3 per day . Often she rings us many times either in a panic or simply hysterical . Her current delusion is that she lives in a duplicate house or the doors disappear . I’ve been trying for months to get the mental health team to help me . They upped her meds . I’m constantly racing out or sorting a crisis . I got a care assessment done and the social worker asked if I was de- skilling her with 3 x calls a day . She leaves the front door open , has started to wander. We are self funding . We’ve had the ambulance out for breathing problems related to heart failure countless times this year . Barely 2 weeks ago they came out
I realised a week ago jokingly the crisis was here . My care construct was hanging by a thread before . I cannot leave my children to care for her in isolation . There’s no family . We’re fucked . I’m so scared about the choices I face to makes for her or rather the lack of them .

The language is vague- I cannot not visit dm unless I have to self isolate- she depends on me for shopping/ admin and some cooking etc.....
It will be hard enough to make her stay inside.....( but can only get out if I take her)

So are people planning to not see their olds for 12 weeks?

I don’t know what to do.

connie I am so sorry for your loss. I hope they day goes as you would wish.🌺🌺
Latest news about elderlies staying in- will be a challenge with elderly dm who is only now feeling like getting out after months indoors...
🌺🌺 to all of us.
cockroach

Connie so sorry for your loss

My DM's funeral was extremely small and was all the better for it. It felt very personal and everyone was involved. I hope all goes well for you on the day and you can say your goodbyes with whoever manages to attend.

AutumnRose thank you. I am a long time lurker on the Elderly Parents board, only felt the urge to post now my Mum has gone. Have appreciated helpful tips and advice throughout our journey, maybe I will have something to contribute when my head is straight, having had experience of getting Deputyship, CHC etc.

Connie I am so sorry

You probably already know but just in case you’re unaware, there’s a bereavement board on MN. They were helpful when my dad died.

But obviously post here if you prefer.

All good wishes to you

for all those who are separated from their relatives in Care homes and hospitals right now, that would have distressed me greatly. Sadly my lovely Mum died just over two weeks ago, and the funeral Is on Wednesday. Some of the relatives coming are elderly, not many of us all told, really hope we can get through it without the added stress of people being afraid to travel or a ban on gatherings of more than a few. Sadly, I fear it will go that way soon, and make a terrible time worse. I have every admiration for carers of all types, having been on both sides of the fence.

hairbrush you’re dealing with so much.... so many worries across the spectrum.
Can you skype mil? How are you looking after you? This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint..... how can you keep well mentally and physically for everyone else? 🌺🌺

My husband might lose his job, my daughter's 18th birthday dinner will probably be cancelled and I don't know how my other daughter will be able to buy a dress for her wedding in August but right now the thing that scares me more than anything else is worrying about my mum and mum in law.

Mum has carers twice a day and I know they practice good hygiene. I am trying to keep trips away from the house to the minimum but my daughter is still in school and my husband and other daughter are still in work.

My mum in law lives an hour away from us with her daughter, son in law, his daughter and her husband and their children so I know that practically she will be looked after in terms of toilet roll and food but she has several underlying health issues so I don't know if we should go and visit her or not.

We were going to go last week but she was out so we said we would go sometime this week but I don't know if it is sensible.

I keep telling my mum that she survived the war and she will survive this just the same. Having seen how the hospital fought for her life 9 months ago I can't believe that now she would be written off. So the only thing to do is wrap her in cotton wool and keep her happy.

Thanks dint it is quite quiet and small....
glad you are feelings bit better. It is such a tough time and trying to see a way through is so hard.
Thinking of your df too. So glad he can read- that’s good.

I've just had a phone chat with DS2's fiancée, she's so lovely, I feel much better than I have all day. I'm still intending in the next few days to start "getting my affairs in order" just in case. And just praying for my father - he so much wants to reach 100.

countrygirl that's heartbreaking

I visited my parents today. DB1 was there and one of his adult children is in isolation with presumed Covid. His wife phoned 111 on Thursday and they were told they would phone back about testing but it would be 3-4 days, then the criteria changed so no test. Suddenly parents are taking it seriously, yesterday it was all a fuss about nothing. As I left my dad, who is 93, said "I hope we will be able to see you again". I managed to get to the car before I cried.
Nephew was very poorly for a couple of days but is on the mend.

sandwich Work on the principle that there will be no health care if she does get it. How quiet is it? Would you be able to sit a couple of metres from anyone else? Do you trust their hygiene?

flaming that’s so sad.🌺🌺
Sounds like sensible shoppingautumn!
What do folk think? Should we be taking dm out for lunch next Sunday to a small golf club? 94 but no major health issues? Wisdom welcomed.

mere glad you feel your dad will cope.

yolo I don't think for a minute GPs should give time to this now, but I do wish they had done it at the same time as mum's DNR - would have been so efficient. We weren't even aware such a thing existed.

flaming I'm sorry

Mere quite!

I've just had a chat with mum. She was having lunch with friends today - they were 4 instead of 8 because the others have sore throats. Frankly I see this as a good sign - the group were all over 80 and hopefully the virus is just moving through as an annoying sore throat. One of them has been gardening solidly for the last 2 days so might have caught a chill.

she also does a lot of volunteering, it would be insanity to ask her to self isolate.

mum seems to think that a) it will be a request not an order and b) she will still be allowed visitors. She thinks I'm overworrying.

I'm happy as long as she's okay, basically. But I'm putting together some stuff to take there just in case, and have told her I'm having a TV delivered there (!) so that if I get stuck there, we at least have 2 TVs. No way would my mum cope with things like The West Wing or Inside No 9!

Mere so your dad is okay with not seeing you? He'll survive, mentally he's tough. And he can still read, so I can write to him, and I think he knows that some at least of the care staff have his best interests at heart. So I think the lockdown won't be as hard on him as on some.

Rather depressing reading the two "isolate the over 70s" thread and find the majority of your fellow citizens begrudge any use of NHS resources on you. It's quite scary, having paid into the NHS for 50 odd years, to find it's suddenly being withdrawn from you.

So mum's care home have said she cannot return there if she goes to my uncle's funeral on Tuesday, and they are restricting visitors to close family only. Mum understands, my poor aunt, aged 80 will have just me with her for the funeral. So sad.

I rather suspect, sadly, that GPs are going to be too busy coping on the front line than helping EHCP for the coming months. I really dont know how many elderly people will cope with isolation/quarantine for 4 months, especially if their only company at that stage is the TV which is not exactly cheeful at the moment. DM would have been going absolutely spare by now, and us by extension.

Yes, it’s well worth discussing. My gran mentioned to an older gp that she was ready to go, and he closed the conversation down. He didn’t even suggest a dnacpr. We only got that once she was in an emergency situation last year.
It was a brand new gp who did the ehcp for gran, and only after several conversations with her and family members.
So perhaps younger gps are readier to go through the process.