The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

dont care autumn! I assume so... but they seem to be in reasonable spirits, spoke to MIL yest.

yolo a post transplant friend hasn’t had one either. The group must be really specific.

He was wondering if the take into account whether or not the person normally lives a busy life etc, can they work, socialise under normal circumstances.

A 35 year old friend with heart failure and various immune conditions has had one but she never lives a free life.

Are your in-laws doing their own cleaning?

DH hasnt had the letter despite being post-chemo.

Not sure I am going to go silver gracefully, it's quite blondish round the front (due to dye) but sort iron grey at the back. Still, who gives a fuck these days?!

PIL self-isolating quite successfully, their cleaner now shops for them and gardens instead of cleaning. Is it really really bad of me to hope that FIL 90th birthday party in early July might be cancelled? I mean, I think it's likely, but it would be very hard work.

Interesting dint I understand the cant be bothered ness too, and realise that the world shrinks.
I’ve been embracing grey since my late thirties! Gone silver( I kid myself) so makes life easier....
Just did a marks shop- v civilised. Even giving away free daffs! Evidently can’t sell them. Most stock- quite low on meals for one for dm but got some.
Dm hasn’t had the letter at 94.....

Mum’s over 80 with heart condition and hasn’t had one, yet. We weren’t expecting one though. The list is very specific.

Here’s a lovely video, if you have actual cats at home, it might not cheer you, but for those of us who don’t....

sandwich I don't actually feel depressed, it's just that I recognise it creeping up on me by changes of behaviour (eg realising I'm finding oh-so-rational reasons to duck out of social events), so need to head it off before it arrives.

I think there may be a bit of hit-and-miss over the special letter. DH has had one. It's mystery to us, we just wonder whether it's the combination of things that are mild individually, but we'll stay on the safe side. Googling the various fitness-for-treatment assessments, I see that "over 80" is one of the indicators of "not fit" (I think you had to score fewer than 3 to be regarded as fit). Has anyone over 80 had a letter?

autumn I don't think I know any ways to self-soothe! People think I'm so calm, and come to me to calm them down, but I have no idea how to calm myself down.

yolo I was toying with the idea of using lockdown to use up a 5 year old box of dye I found in a store cupboard. It's non-permanent so plenty of time for the effects to wear off before I see anyone other than DH. A better idea would be to bin it. But I'm too stingy for that.

yolo I have a few prominent greys (dark hair). People are often amazed that I don’t plan to dye it, but after this I’m hoping it will be a less controversial choice!

I think people forget women in their 40s even have grey hair because so many dye it.

In fact, I am using lockdown to stop dyeing my hair. I reckon this is a positve move for the environment? (somehow?)

nota use it to your advantage babe!!¬

not if it makes you feel better, I heard that supermarkets aren’t actually policing that hour and everyone goes, so please don’t think they thought you were 70!

Mere whatever method of self soothing you choose. I just think it’s particularly hard on people who get targeted by one or more people as their designated “dump on when anxious” person, which seems to be happening to Sandwich18.

I’m pleased to say my worriers seemed to have calmed down today. I suppose they will be up and down so I’ll gird myself for tomorrow!

I went to do some shopping for DM yesterday morning. Managed to mess up due to a combination of new opening times and the clocks changing, so as I got to the door the and saw people being turned away I realised I was there during the vulnerable/elderly slot.

The fuckers waved me in! I'm 56!!

Mum (87) has COPD and takes triosomething that was on Asthma Uk's list for automatic letter generation but has not had a letter. I live sort of locally and can do her shopping providing I'm well, the same goes for my MIL (mid 80's poorly controlled diabetes and a host of other health stuff). They both live alone with no SS involvement. If there's no letter by tomorrow I will be ringing the doctors because I'm having nightmares about what will happen if I can't get out. When all this started off I assumed it would be as simple as organising an online shopping delivery. Silly me.

Welcome even . Dm, 94, hasn’t had a vulnerable letter either....
Hope you get delivery sorted.
jace what you are doing sounds really worthwhile.
dint sorry to hear you are a bit down. The change in weather and week 2 in the big c house feels like reality is hitting.....🌺🌺

I hope you won't mind me joining in - I've been on these boards before under another name but mostly lurk. to everyone coping with this huge escalation in what was already an incredibly stressful and difficult situation.

I'm interested in the 'special letter' thing too. DF hasn't had one. He's 96, lives alone, has heart failure and COPD. COPD is on the list of conditions but 'serious' is specified....no exact explanation of that - but I suppose needing oxygen, which he doesn't? But he'd be done for if he got CV, as even the tiniest chest infection is a major worry. We've joked (by phone - to add to the joy, I live 200 miles away) that even in normal times he self-isolates anyway, because he has very poor mobility and can't leave the house under his own steam.

I've registered him on the gov.uk site anyway because it's also the only way you can get online supermarket deliveries now - but Sainsbury's say his name isn't recognised. I'm starting to fear he's going to be seen as very much expendable

It wouldn't be so bad if DM only used one method of communication - like sent photos of DF on whatsapp - but she doesn't appear to rest until she's used all of them! I wonder if that's how my adult DC feel about me? It's really difficult getting to this age where the best thing you can do for the 2nd and 3rd most important people in your life, is to remember that you're now a burden and you need to limit your contact.

Hmm ... realise my posts this morning make me sound quite depressed. Need to give myself a good kicking and get on with life.

haven’t learned to self soothe yet How do you self-soothe?

I know it's her money to spend but it just seems so, so mean. I think there's a tendency (I know I have it) to base your idea of what's a reasonable cost on what it was when you last bought it. I bought a pair of leather boots last year - so diifficult! I'm, used to paying £30 (15 years ago when I last bought a pair), and I couldn't find a pair that I liked for less than £100. Really found it difficult to pay that, even though, having had regular holidays, I'm quite OK with paying £80 a night for b&B rather than £30. Maybe your mum had in mind about £20 when she made her original suggestion? So not meanness as such but too big a discrepancy between what it actually costs and her perception of what it should cost?

"It doesn't matter if we die, we're old and we've had our time" That's what half the MNers on AIBU and the Coronovirus threads are saying. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's quite dispiriting. I should probably confine my reading to here and to the gardening thread.

All well here!
DM only needed emergency shop once this week and I was able to get what she needed
DB sorted her meds and added some food for her to his online delivery
Despite her dementia she seems to understand the staying at home and is keeping in touch with friends and family by phone
I’m v busy at work setting up a telephone befriending service for anyone who is feeling isolated at present (not just elderly) if you are in my area Lancashire and want to volunteer please PM me!

Yep, long backstory. My DM has made out for years that DF is at death's door; he is frail now but we've had the best part of a decade where he's been able to go on holiday but to ill to attend things he doesn't want to. DM enjoys a good drama and winding people up.

I've also got an alcoholic sibling who was/is the golden child - DPs swing between complaining about getting abusive, drunken phone calls or coming up with increasingly implausible excuses for bad behaviour. DM also winds up alcoholic family member, even although everyone else involved has repeatedly asked both of them to leave each other alone. I've completely blocked the alcoholic family member now.

With the play equipment DM had made out she was going to get us something nice that would help pass the time for two small kids, but I think must have decided it was too expensive so has suggested something cheap and shit instead (I know whatever we order might be undeliverable for a while anyway).

I'll have a chat with my normal sister and speak to DM about one daily form of contact. I probably brought this on myself as I had to increase contact to try and sort them out a bit; I had hoped the crisis would make them change their behaviour but it obviously hasn't.

I sense there a backstory here that I don’t know and I don’t understand the skipping rope thing.

But why not just tell your mum she’s annoying you and you need space. Do a daily call to cover everything. Tell her not to use all forms of contact.

Maybe it will settle down. Mum is 81 and she’s been driven mad by calls today, not just people checking on her but wanting to chat about the virus!

Thanks thesandwich and autumnrose.

I don't live with them, they live 45 minutes away.

I'd been quite good at getting things down to a weekly phone call. I'd been in touch more with the coronavirus stuff - if I hadn't, they'd still be wandering around the local shops. It just feels like my mother is enjoying the drama and using this as an excuse to ramp up the contact.

I'm not sure what to do. I've read all the horror stories about the army finding old people dead in their houses in Spain so there's that. I'm not sure whether to agree with my normal sibling (the other one is an alcoholic) that we'll contact them turn about. It wouldn't be so bad if DM only used one method of communication - like sent photos of DF on whatsapp - but she doesn't appear to rest until she's used all of them!

To make matters worse, when DM called earlier she offered to buy some play equipment for my toddler's birthday - I'd said my daughter was upset about not being able to use play parks, so DM said she'd get her a swing, climbing frame or a slide, which we would have been very grateful for. She's just e-mailed me a suggestion which is for a squeaky skipping toy thing that's for the wrong age group and costs £20 (they got on holiday several times a year normally, they aren't skint). I know it's her money to spend but it just seems so, so mean.

Sandwich18

I’m confused, do you live with them?

You can’t do anything about the behaviour of others really. In terms of constant calls or messages, I’m wondering why you are constantly available? I removed WhatsApp from my phone because in normal times, you get so many messages about nothing...are any of these messages important?

You can’t constantly reassure people. I’ve had depression and anxiety for years. It’s not right to keep calling anyone and keep dumping on them. There are odd times when I might do it but in a period of anxiety, I wouldn’t dream of bugging anyone several tines a day.

I know it’s possibly a new experience. I’m currently the least worried amongst my family and friends and they’ve no experience of anxiety so are still at the stage of thinking that calling and chatting might fix it, haven’t learned to self soothe yet. They will but you need to set those boundaries.

Someone once told me, on this board “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. I found that helpful.

Hello fellow sandwich ! I remember your posts. Your parents sound really difficult, in ordinary times.
In these times- and it may be a while, I think we oldie wranglers must really prioritise ourselves and whatever gets us through.... whatever it means.
Try and protect yourself.🌺

Hi all

I'm losing the will to live with my parents. They're quite difficult (I've posted about them before) and I'd been trying to reduce contact down unless there's an emergency.

Of course, this is an emergency... I thought they were reasonably okay but it turned out DM was still planning to go into the chemist at the local hospital to get their multiple prescriptions and were waiting for Tesco to "sort out" their online food orders (they never have much in the cupboards).

I got them sorted out with a prescription delivery service, got them to contact the local shop for a delivery, and afterwards got a dramatic "It doesn't matter if we die, we're old and we've had our time" e-mail from my mum.

She's any excuse to call, whatsapp (we started a family whatsapp to keep in touch to try and head off the multiple phone calls), and e-mail constantly; I know she's worried but it's starting to really get me down.

My DH, who is disabled, has a degenerative condition and is very frail, is still going on trips on his mobility scooter. They know all the stuff about not trying to overwhelm the NHS, and if DF falls then he'll go into hospital with no visitors, because I've spelled it out to them. I wish my DM would focus some of her energies into making sure they're following government advice.

Like everyone else I've got a million and one worries. The thought of having months of this is filling me with dread.