FIL broke leg, now dying due to not eating

My mother and Dh’s father both stopped eating. When someone stops being able to swallow, that is part of the process of dying. Dying naturally is not the single event of the heart stopping, it is a progression over weeks, or days.
My Mum was in a care home, we didn’t want her in hospital on a drip, with nurses she didn’t know. She was very well cared for, it was quiet, and I was able to sit with her at any time. She was given morphine, and getting a care package in place for your FIl will help. You need to talk to the GP and nurses about end of life care, if he is to stay peacefully at home.
Very sorry this is happening.

OP “ He is wasting away in front of us and I seem to be the only one who is shocked by this.”

I’m sorry it’s hard on you. I can completely see that he is making the right choices for himself. As my late father said “I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees”. The doctors seemed to hope to keep him alive for a few years, but bedridden, it wasn’t what he wanted.

Big hugs to you.

Have also experienced this. An incapacitating injury led to watching grandad just give up and fade away

If he is struggling to drink, you can offer him chips of ice, or offer to wet/wipe his mouth with a kind of sponge on a stick thing - that might make him more comfortable and will help keep him hydrated and possibly a bit more lucid.

Hi OP.

This must be so hard for all of you. But your DFiL is really lucky that he has been able to come home from hospital. He seems very clear that he does not want to go back, and why would he? The people he loves, the familiar sights, sounds and smells, and the all-important peace and quiet, are at home, not in a hospital ward.

He is also really lucky to have family around him like you who care about him and love him.

Enjoy as much time as you can with him, tell him you love him, reminisce about happy times you have had together and ensure the GPs have set up the care he needs in order to be kept safe, clean and comfortable at home and to ensure your MiL and all of you feel supported and don't get exhausted.

Whether or not this is the end (and it may well be) he has made his wishes to be at home clear, and these wishes should be respected unless your MiL and the community team cannot keep him comfortable (which is unlikely as in my admittedly limited experience they are very good). Being back in hospital would be unkind IMO, and possibly actively harmful.

My gran died after she stopped eating. She had just had enough and fairly gently faded away. It was her choice to make, she had lived into her 80's and felt she had lived her life.

My father stopped eating and died about two weeks later. It would have cruel to force him. He had a nutritional shake in that time but that was all. Apart from... cans of cold low-alcohol and ‘normal’ beer, one of which he drank 48 hours before he died. His GP was highly approving.

My Nan decided to stop eating, she caught a bug and said that’s it I’m fed up, I’m not eating anything else. She was 93, and had simply had enough.

I used to work in a nursing home. Few who had breaks over the age of 80 lived for long afterwards, the body just can't recover properly.

Let him go in dignity and kindness. His body is slowly fading, and you will only delay the inevitable, and he will be the one who suffers.

I don't mean this unkindly but the only person in denial here is you.

This is a hard road to walk. When my grandmother had a similar incident at the same age, her eldest daughter had her medical power of attorney because grandmother had mild dementia. Aunt chose to do absolutely everything to save her life, despite objections from other family members. The doctors and nurses saved her life, but my grandmother was gone. She lasted another 5 years. 5 years where she didn’t know who any of us were. 5 years where she was in constant distress over being in a dementia ward. 5 years where she couldn’t get out of bed without help. My aunt came to regret her decision. Now, if my grandmother had been lucky, she might have had 5 years of loving visits with family, sharing stories and photos, but after a certain age, the odds weren’t in her favor.

Sorry you can see your DFiL fade away. Its so hard.
My DF was similarly unwell and unable to eat and referred by GP to palliative care/hospice at home team. Cld you call his GP and ask if that's an option?
My DF was kitted out by them at home with a morphine/antianxiety meds pump for the last day or so which enabled him to pass very peacefully surrounded by those he loved.

Phone GP and explain you think he’s actively dying and they will be able to put in a pall care referral. One of the important things is to make an escalation plan which GP/hospice can do, so that perhaps he can die at home, but not that you’re suddenly phoning an ambulance when he deteriorated or dies etc. Sorry to be bleak, but if you can sort this quickly and now it will help with experiencing a ‘good death’ rather than fear and chaos. Wish you strength.

My mum went into hospital at a similar stage to your FiL. She was unable to eat and lasted 6 dreadful weeks without eating. Eventually I asked for the drip to be removed and she died two days later. When my Step-Father went into hospital 6 months later I was able to discuss his situation with a lovely Doctor. He died peacefully 6 days later.

It seems like your FIL has had enough and should be allowed to die as gently as possible,

My mother stopped eating and was prescribed protein drinks which she hated. In retrospect I wish we hadn't spent so much time badgering her to eat and drink.

Is the GP involved? Could a referral to a dietician or even palliative care be warranted? All the best OP, it sounds really difficult.

sorry to hear this.
fil was similar. cancer treatment (successful) left him with osteoporosis and a collapsed spine.
he stopped eating/drinking and died a few days later.
sadly, I think that is very common.
best wishes to you

So sorry for you and your family
Something like 50% of elderly people who break a major bone requiring admission to hospital, never go home. A fracture is a really serious thing for an elderly person. It's not just the break itself but the general poor health of the person that causes them to fall in the first place. And isn't doesn't take long at all for a frail person to deteriorate even further, they just don't have the physical resilience.

As other posters have mentioned, if your FIL doesn't want to go back to hospital and refuses food, there is nothing you can do other than keep him comfortable. To force him to would be unkind.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law. Unfortunately, for some older people, once they have an accident, break a hip or something, then that's it, it causes a decline and then it's just downhill from there. Could you maybe call the GP/district nurse for some advice?

I am sorry you are losing your FIL.

It is not the broken leg that has done this to him, it is his very advanced age. The bodies of very elderly people cannot cope with multiple medical problems. It does seem that FIL is aware of what is happening. Artificial feeding at this stage would only prolong his suffering and it is common for elderly people to chose quality rather than quantity of life.

Oh and a local hospice could help. Would you be able to take your MIL in to visit?

Is FIL receptive to talking? Have you or your DH been able to talk to him about his food and fluid intake, and the consequences if he doesn’t eat?

He will begin to become confused a he gets progressively more dehydrated, so it’s also important for him to state his wishes if he needs medical intervention. So for example he might begin to get another infection ( his body will be very weak, so it’s highly likely), if the GP is called they will want to discuss wether to start treatment or not, and wether to re admit to hospital. It’s good if your in-laws have managed to discuss these delicate subjects before they arise, and it helps with grieving when he does die, as it has been made a bit more conscious and real.

In my experience people are willing to discuss these things, as they may have been playing on their mind, but they need someone to broach the subject, and almost give them permission to open up.

If you need help with any of this you could approach the GP/district nurses or the local vicar or you could even contact the hospital chaplain who would be experienced in these tires of conversation.
Sorry you are going through this, it’s a heart breaking difficult time.

My Nan died at 90 after initially breaking her leg. Looking back it’s strange how the injury (and being bedridden etc) caused such a fast decline, but that’s how it often is with the elderly. I also think she’d had enough and decided to stop eating. I was also relieved for her that it wasn’t a long, drawn out decline and death. I lost my Grandad to cancer and that was horrific.

I've surprised they sent him home with such inadequate care arrangements. However, if he doesn't want to go into hospital you can't force him. Is there any chance he might agree to a hospice, if only to give his wife a break?

Aw, so sorry for him it sounds so miserable.
Maybe your dh could take compassionate leave to go and stay with them/help out. Carers going in is fine but it's not the same as your family.
Does dh have any siblings happy to help, it does seem such a shame, it sounds like he's given up.