Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Coping with elderly, ill and demanding parents

36 replies

Sandwiched18 · 03/01/2020 10:46

My DF has a denegerative illness and DM is caring for him, they are in their 80s.

The background to this is that DPs have made some terrible decisions in planning for old age.

In practical terms, they prioritised spending on long haul holidays for many years. They still wanted a big house, big dog etc, so around 15 years ago "downsized" to a 3 bed house that's a long walk to the local amenties in the village they've lived in for years, where there are hardly any jobs so is miles away from where their children stay. They extended it so in theory they could live on the ground floor, but cut corners with the extension design and build so it's difficult to access now when they are getting infirm, plus they don't seem to actually want to lose the extra living space so have installed a stairlift.

My DM has also been manipulative about my DF's health for at least a decade. Probably the worst example about 8 years ago she kept getting upset about how ill he was. We organised to move closer to where they live so we were 45 minutes away rather than 90 mins, and once we were committed to the move they announced they were going on another long haul holiday.

I've got 2 small children and work virtually full time and last year I had a really rocky patch in my marriage, so I feel like I'm running on empty all the time myself.

My DF is now genuinely frail but won't do activities or groups to get himself out the house and maintain his mobility.

Every time I speak to my mum she spends the first part of the call moaning about the stairlift, how they're having to adapt their house and crying about how hard it is for her, and guilt tripping me to visit more often "to keep DF's spirits up".

They were meant to be coming to ours for Christmas and spent months dithering around about hotels and tried to invite their dog along even though it just wasn't practical for us to host a big dog, frail elderly person and look after a toddler, then ended up cancelling at the last minute because of DF's health, which landed me with quite a bit of extra food and expense.

We went down to see them on Christmas Eve which I didn't begrudge but was quite a lot of extra stress. This didn't really seem to register with DM at all and yesterday she was back to the crying and guilt tripping.

I'm at the end of my tether with it all, have a history of depression and am beginning to feel ill myself. I'm sad that my DF is ill but my DM would ideally like us to act like he's at death's door for months or years, which I can't really do because I need to put my own kids first.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 12:28

Don't lean in, lean right out
Don't step up, step back, step way way back
They will drain all the blood from your body, and then use your withered husk as a stepping stone to get to the next person who's lifeforce they can feast upon

imfreeezing · 04/01/2020 11:43

Sandwiched you raise a good point about getting things down to a weekly phone call and stepping up if there's a crisis but your DM exploits this. How do you deal with this while keeping a balance and not ending up jumping at every call?

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 04/01/2020 09:57

Thanks all -

@AttilaTheMeerkat I do need to check out the stately homes thread. They were both horrible when I was very ill after having DD, culminating in me getting called back into hospital with very high blood pressure and asking them to give me a bit of space. Of course they kept trying to call, email and text, I blocked them for a while but when I did speak to DF I got told that it "runs in the family" and I wasnt that ill.

@superbmonkey (I'm really sorry to hear of your marriage and I hope you put yourself first now) and @amicrazyorwhat2 - I'm coming to the same conclusions myself. I had got things down to a weekly phone call but will try and step up if there if a genuine crisis but my DM knows this and uses it to up the emotional ante. I try to minimise what I tell her as it anything gets twisted around into being about her.

@Rinsefirst - that's very prescient! I've already had an episode where DM couldn't drive to an appointment. I offered to help give her a lift as the main hospital isn't too far from where we live, which has good rail connections. But she went in the huff because I asked her to find out from reception when she was likely to be finished (I had to fit things around childcare and work).

@imfreeezing that sounds awful. If it's any help, I used to work in a job where people not infrequently used to threaten to commit suicide if they didnt get what they want, which was normally a bigger house. In the end I started telling them I wasnt qualified to deal with suicidal people (true) and they needed to speak to their GP before I could help. It's horrible.

OP posts:
imfreeezing · 03/01/2020 21:23

I'm in a very similar situation OP. DM dithered and is in a huge house after DF died, is lonely, bored, depressed and anxious, but refuses to downsize or to join clubs to make friends. She won't take the medication she is prescribed and dismisses all her doctors' advice.

She is emotionally manipulative (crying, suicide threats) both to guilt me to visit (9 hour round trip) and when I'm there and can be verbally abusive. I work a 48 hour week and am doing an MBA too - no DC but DH hardly sees me, it's affecting our relationship and I'm sick with stress. I've got no advice although I've tried to set boundaries like pp said, but I completely sympathise. This board is incredibly helpful and there is some great advice on coping (eg PP's!) You're not alone!

Rinsefirst · 03/01/2020 20:27

Many on this board will be able to relate.
But new year, new you Grin
Things will only get worse as their decision making unravels and all the things you warned them about will actually happen - they can’t drive, can’t walk dog, they need you to take them to appointments, they get more stubborn and conspire to undermine you when you try to help.
Absolutely cut down on contact time, keep phone calls to minimum, be unavailable. It sounds v rude but you cannot get sucked in any further. You need to look after yourself, DH and DC. You can do it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/01/2020 13:43

Yep, I'm in a similar situation and it's crap. I agree with @SuperbMonkey, you can provide reasonable support but you need to put your DH/DC's needs first. I'm constantly guilted and made to feel somehow responsible for bad decisions, plus DF doesn't want to take responsibility for anything - it's easier to blame other people!

SuperbMonkey · 03/01/2020 13:36

@Sandwiched18, been there, got the T-shirt. The attention demanded by selfish aged parents contributed significantly to the breakdown of my long marriage. Mother crying down phone all the time saying she couldn’t cope but refusing to agree to any changes that would have helped her to cope. My mother has always been difficult and she has become worse. The advice I give to you is put your and your DH and DC needs first. Your parents chose to live in a particular way and you have done all that you can to help them. Perhaps that’s a reflection of my new selfish attitude. I decided that if I couldn’t beat them I was going to join them.

MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 03/01/2020 13:30

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Elderly Parents topic now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2020 13:26

The Elderly parents forum falls under the "Other Stuff" part of MN.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and I would lump your parents in that category. My guess is that they have always been like this too and do not want anyone else's help or support. You may also want to have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages because of your mother's guilt tripping exercises, you seem mired in fear, obligation and guilt.

Put your own self first and I would inform Social Services that you are not able to assist.

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 03/01/2020 12:38

Thanks. I'd been trying to find the elderly parents section but couldn't. Have reported and asked for it to be moved.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 03/01/2020 12:12

There are a lot of knowledge people on here but if you ask Mumsnet to move your post to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents, you are more likely to get the most pertinent information.