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Original poster

Coping with elderly, ill and demanding parents

36 replies

Sandwiched18 · 03/01/2020 10:46

My DF has a denegerative illness and DM is caring for him, they are in their 80s.

The background to this is that DPs have made some terrible decisions in planning for old age.

In practical terms, they prioritised spending on long haul holidays for many years. They still wanted a big house, big dog etc, so around 15 years ago "downsized" to a 3 bed house that's a long walk to the local amenties in the village they've lived in for years, where there are hardly any jobs so is miles away from where their children stay. They extended it so in theory they could live on the ground floor, but cut corners with the extension design and build so it's difficult to access now when they are getting infirm, plus they don't seem to actually want to lose the extra living space so have installed a stairlift.

My DM has also been manipulative about my DF's health for at least a decade. Probably the worst example about 8 years ago she kept getting upset about how ill he was. We organised to move closer to where they live so we were 45 minutes away rather than 90 mins, and once we were committed to the move they announced they were going on another long haul holiday.

I've got 2 small children and work virtually full time and last year I had a really rocky patch in my marriage, so I feel like I'm running on empty all the time myself.

My DF is now genuinely frail but won't do activities or groups to get himself out the house and maintain his mobility.

Every time I speak to my mum she spends the first part of the call moaning about the stairlift, how they're having to adapt their house and crying about how hard it is for her, and guilt tripping me to visit more often "to keep DF's spirits up".

They were meant to be coming to ours for Christmas and spent months dithering around about hotels and tried to invite their dog along even though it just wasn't practical for us to host a big dog, frail elderly person and look after a toddler, then ended up cancelling at the last minute because of DF's health, which landed me with quite a bit of extra food and expense.

We went down to see them on Christmas Eve which I didn't begrudge but was quite a lot of extra stress. This didn't really seem to register with DM at all and yesterday she was back to the crying and guilt tripping.

I'm at the end of my tether with it all, have a history of depression and am beginning to feel ill myself. I'm sad that my DF is ill but my DM would ideally like us to act like he's at death's door for months or years, which I can't really do because I need to put my own kids first.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 17/02/2020 15:48

Thanks Mere. That's a genius idea re: a rule for e-mails, I wish I'd thought of that earlier!

I'd done not too badly with keeping SWAI at arms length for a long time, but part of that has been that they hate DM, and so DM wasn't getting contacted when SWIA was having a crisis, which happens about every 3-4 months. I worry that with SWAI's partner out the way she's going to call DM directly more often and they'll feed off each other to create more drama - although at least I've blocked them now.

I'm worried about SWAI's kids, who are older than mine, but DM was more upset that SWAI had called her names and interested in updating everyone else about her home adaptations. They have other family members who are ages with them and tend to keep in touch with them most, but I do try to make sure they know they can always come to mine for a break. If there's anything else I can do while keeping my own kids well away from SWAI I haven't figured it out.

At least it's been quiet today, so far!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 17/02/2020 14:30

sandwich that sounds dreadful Flowers

In practical terms, if I'd have seen this post earlier I'd have suggested you take a day off work. Hope that if you are at work you are coping and finding some relief from family.

Yes, you do need a break from family if nothing else. Well done for keeping phone calls down to once a week - have you blocked he on your phone? Now you need to sort the emails. Do they come to your computer or to your phone? If computer, can you set up a rule to direct them to one particular email box, so you don't need to see the titles or how many there are? Then you could sit down once a week to deal with them all in one go (or consign them to Trash all in one go Grin)

There's no point in making yourself ill, you won't be able to help anyone then. So no need to feel guilty at casting them all adrift to sort themselves out.

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 17/02/2020 07:18

Urgh. I've had a really shitty weekend between my Dm and my sibling.

Since I last posted, I've been sticking to calling once a week. My DM keeps e-mailing trying to blow up minor issues with DF into being bigger than they actually are (eg, he went to the dentists and had to go back as the work wasn't 100% successful, the fuse on my DF's mobility scooter went etc). I've been trying to help with getting respite care but I do worry this will mean DM will expect me to entertain her, although I can't because of work.

The last time I called I spoke to DF and he was trying to organise going on a cruise.

Apart from the everyday low level stuff, my sibling with addition issues (I'll refer to as SWAI from now on) has gone on a bender, thrown their partner out, and has been making repeated phone calls and leaving silent voicemails to everyone else. I've been using the block function on my phone as I am way, way past the stage of wanting to be involved with SWAI (before anyone suggests contacting authorities, SWAI has had involvement from every agency under the sun; counselling, psychiatric sessions, police, family have all tried persuading SWIA to seek help, and nothing has worked).

DM started phoning me and other family members, demanding that we let her know whether we thought she should do and that she could phone SWAI's social worker but wanted to run it all past us first. I advised to phone SW and the police as they'd actually go and check on SWAI but the police bit got ignored on the grounds that it might upset SWAI.

I realise this is genuinely horrible for everyone but some of DM's actions have been more about making a drama than actually helping; she was doing stuff like phoning the SW then calling me back giving me a blow by blow account of the call until I pointed out I was at work. DM also claims not to be able to block SWAI's number and won't just switch her phone off/disable voicemail, and it also emerged that DM had an argument with SWAI, which just made things worse in terms of SWAI's behaviour and calls.

I just feel totally at the end of my tether with everything, and am now having trouble with insomina and depression and just want a rest; I'm should be getting ready for work and getting the kids up but am typing all this out in tears. I'm thinking about e-mailing DM to say I don't want anything more to do with any situation with SWAI and that I need a break from the emails, but I'm worried this will somehow make things worse.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 21/01/2020 22:19

my kids are 5 and 2, so it's difficult to explain that granny is being manipulative when she sends them postcards promising them activities that it's impossible for DF to carry out. Yes, much too young. Difficult for you. I'm in the slightly odd position of having an elderly parent while being of the sort of age that people are trying to get to "make sensible decisions" - I have a different perspective on it as I'm still waiting to be free of caring responsibilities and enjoy my retirement... and my retirement plans don't include a small easy to look after house/flat and an easy to maintain garden.

Lupiaza · 21/01/2020 20:43

Great update OP.

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 21/01/2020 17:49

Thanks all.
@picklemepopcorn - I've been doing this as much as possible. The main issue is my DP sometimes do genuinely have problems that merit support, but my DM also sometimes generates or exaggerates issues for drama, attention or if she can't be bothered meeting a commitment. It's sometimes difficult to tell.

Meredinto - my kids are 5 and 2, so it's difficult to explain that granny is being manipulative when she sends them postcards promising them activities that it's impossible for DF to carry out.

You couldn't be further off the mark with their travelling habits - they both travelled extensively when they were younger, and moved countries several times when my siblings were young.

With the house, they - and this is according to them - set out to buy the house they'd grow into old age in; DM has been maintaining DF is on his last legs since at least 15 years ago, apart from when it suited her that he wasn't! They did do some adaptations but they did them on the cheap and they aren't actually accessible now they need them to be. My DM, rather than me, now complaints all the time about how difficult it is to manage in their house.

I obviously didn't expect them to move into sheltered housing in their 70s, but it does seem a bit odd that they moved somewhere only slightly smaller that's much further away from services.

I shall keep on grey rock-ing and trying to keep sane as much as possible!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 21/01/2020 10:02

It might have seemed sensible for my father to move closer to me in his mid 60s when my mother died. Planning for the future and all that. Except that 5 years later I moved 250 miles across the country.

Instead he continued to "rattle around" in the family home, and became deeply involved in local heritage and community. Had a good life and made a useful contribution.

He finally downsized and moved near us when he was 86. Yes, he needed a lot of help with the move and it impacted on us, but he'd have had a worse life if we'd badgered him to move sooner.

Everyone has an impact on everyone else. Yesterday I was reading reports from the Cave Rescue Organisation - dozens of people out all day in two separate incidents involving walkers slipping on rocks and breaking limbs. Isn't that what part of society is about? Being willing to put yourself out to allow other people to fulfill their life, and being given similar support in your turn? Yes, I know balance is important, and there's a world of difference between giving a bit of support, and having your own life completely disrupted. Their decisions should not destroy your life ... but should they be expected to destroy their life for your sake?

I guess it does come back, as PP said, to the relationship - if you've had a good relationship with your parents and their support during adult life as well as childhood, you accept that sometimes they make decisions that may not be the most convenient for you. But if you haven't already built up that sort of relationship your tolerance will be a lot less.

Ilady · 21/01/2020 03:43

Sandwiched 18, you need to put yourself, your marriage and your kids before your parents. If you put them 1st your only going to end up dealing with the depression you had in the past. Your parents will expect you to do all, drop all and no matter how much you do it will never be enough.
The reality is they were in financial position to make their lives easier year's ago instead they spent money on holidays ect.

I have a friend. Her parents separated years ago. Her mother lives in a large family home approx 4 miles from the nearest town. Even to get a pint of milk you need to drive to the shop.
My friend advised her mother about a few things over the years but he mother would not listen or act on the advice given then.
Now this lady is 80 and has a few health issues including detorating sight and some memory issues.
My friend told me recently that she won't be able to mind her mother full time when required. She has heard of a job opportunity coming up in the next few months and it would improve both her financial/pension situation considerably.

Lupiaza · 18/01/2020 17:23

What you are describing is very manipulative behaviour from them.

Please keep stepping back and reducing your contact with them. They aren't your responsibility (although it can be very hard to get this into your head after they've spent a lifetime conditioning you to believe that they are!).

You owe it to yourself, your DH and your DCs not to let yourself get sucked in. They will drain you dry without ever spending a single second thinking about your own welfare. There are plenty of other social and healthcare resources that they can access, but they prefer to keep you on a string (pattern of your life, I would guess) because they think of you as their possession rather than as an actual person.

Wishing you all the best with this difficult situation Flowers

EL8888 · 18/01/2020 17:19

But why shouldn’t they be answerable for the choices they made. In effect it’s a bit like OP is being made answerable for their poor decision making which isn’t fair

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/01/2020 17:11

I think it's harder to be sympathetic about life choices people have made (which ultimately make it harder to look after them) when they weren't very nice parents. Reap as you sow, which has been said upthread. Good advice has been given. Establish what you believe is a reasonable level of help and contact, and try and stick to it. Easier said than done I know Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 18/01/2020 17:06

It seems to me many people leave planning for being less fit, far too late. Both mine and DH's parents didn't start seriously looking until it was really hard and ended up staying put and managing with unsuitable housing. It's really important to move while you are well enough to cope with change, make new friends if necessary, find your way around. As the DPs got less confident, everything got harder.

I'll be prioritising a nice home, then looking at holidays once I've settled in.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2020 16:40

The background to this is that DPs have made some terrible decisions in planning for old age. I think you're being a bit hard on them here. You mention they're in their 80s, and they made what you see as a poor house choice 15 years ago - so when they were 70? What did you want them to do? Move into a nice retirement flat in the middle of town? That's rather a lot of their life to spend waiting to die.

If they're in their 80s, their young adulthood was before the age of cheap flights and package holidays. It's not surprising that those of us who are in our 60s and 70s would like to catch up with our offspring and do some of the travelling now that our children are doing in their 20s.

None of this denies the need for you to define your own boundaries and not let them overstep.

picklemepopcorn · 18/01/2020 13:58

You need to read up on grey rock, op. It's a technique where you maintain superficial contact, but don't give them anything to work with in their guilt tripping and manipulation.

So you make the weekly call, but don't actually commit to anything or give them any information. Lots of 'that's nice, dear', 'that's a shame', 'oh dear' 'did you?' Responses, but no meat, IYSWIM.

When she suggests meeting up, you'll check your diary or maybe later in the year when the weather is better, or maybe after DC's exams etc.

Work out what you want to do- weekly phone call, monthly visit for example. Stick to it.

Dancingontheedge · 18/01/2020 13:47

Cross-post seltaeb Smile

Dancingontheedge · 18/01/2020 13:46

The most useful thing I found was to dump the guilt and expectations and look at each situation dispassionately. My adult parents were not my children, they got my practical help but not my soul.
So I made lists, decided what I could and couldn’t manage, refused manipulation and emotional pressure and regained my balance and mental health.
Still helping out, but on my terms. It was tough, but not as hard as depression and the cracks that started to form in my own family.

seltaeb · 18/01/2020 13:40

The only sensible advice I can give is to prioritise your own DCs, your DH and yourself, so your own immediate family. Work out in practical terms what is realistic for you to do of DPs in terms of visits etc and stick to it. Keep phone calls to a reasonable minimum, avoid asking how DPs are and tell them about what you and your family are doing. Find an excuse to cut the call short when the guilt trip starts so you don't have to listen to it.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2020 13:34

How old are your kids? Are they old enough that you can explain to them exactly what's happening? It's not great if they watch you apparently being unkind to DPs when they don't know the back story. If nothing else, how you deal with DPs sets the parameters for how they deal with your generation (both ways round: you don't want them be cruel to you or to inlaws, but neither do you want them to be ground down by unreasonable demands).

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 17/01/2020 14:28

Thanks all.

Wee update. We're no longer in the "DF is at death's door" script, and I was hoping I'd get things down to a weekly phone call.

However, DM is showing all the signs of upping the ante again. Today I came home to a postcard to my two kids, not directly asking them to come and visit but clearly trying to put the idea in their heads to ask me!

One suggested activity involves my father, who can't get up the stairs, climbing a ladder into an attic. She's also mentioned visiting a stately home type attraction close to where they live... the last time we organised a joint trip there my parents cancelled it at the last minute and told us we could go to their house instead (I declined).

I feel a bit bad (which I guess it's designed to do!) but also just find the thing about trying to get my kids to lobby us to visit infuriating, particularly when there's little or no chance of them actually doing the promised activities.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 04/01/2020 19:13

If they can afford long haul holidays they can afford cleaners, taxis, gardeners, carers etc etc. Do not get sucked in.
Give them the number of social services and a local handyman and back away. They must now live with the consequences of their poor choices.
Your DC only get one childhood. That, and your mental health trumps anything else. We all get ill and die. There are millions of elderly infirm old people managing alone. They're not unique.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 18:52

thank you Rinse
l find it's best with the cray-cray people, serve it right back to them....nice and cold :)

Rinsefirst · 04/01/2020 18:26

Look at her behaviour and take it as permission to treat her as she treats others
RhinoskinhaveI nails it. Truly golden advice and if you follow it you will instantly feel better about everything. Having has 25 years of the ‘problem’, this is the nugget that lets me and my DSis stop feeling guilty about saying ‘no’.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 17:18

DM is quite good at distancing herself from when she has to
she happily organises things to suit herself, ducks out of things she doesnt want to do, she should expect the same from others.
Look at her behaviour and take it as permission to treat her as she treats others

Original poster
Sandwiched18 · 04/01/2020 16:39

@Imfreeezing I don't know! My DM goes through phases of e-mailing, texting and calling repeatedly, to try and make us do whatever it is she wants. I guess it'll be about recognising the warning signs and not getting sucked in. It's worse that DF is genuinely frail - it's like she's the Boy Who Cried Wolf and at some point I'll confuse a real problem with a manufactured one.

@Rhinoskinhavel - I'm coming to that conclusion myself. I've got a sibling with an addition problem who can also be quite draining and who DM is quite good at distancing herself from when she has to.

@Rinsefirst thanks for the advice. I think having my own kids has really made me question some of my parents' demands.

OP posts:
Rinsefirst · 04/01/2020 14:21

I wish someone had told me in my 30s that my 40s and 50s would be as much about running after my parents as my own dc.
If someone had had a serious talk with me -and I had really listened - I think I would have dealt with their issues differently. For example, I would have let them ‘own’ their problems instead of trying to fix them.
OP it’s incredibly hard saying, No, to your parents after all this time, but prioritise making sure your children are happy and comfortable in their own skin before you attend to your parents. Youngsters have huge pressures on them nowadays. Your parents made their own decisions so let them reap what they sewed and focus on those coming through...

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