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Elderly parents
Original poster

Guilt ridden, elderly grandparent

29 replies

Washingnerd · 14/12/2019 02:10

Hi all,
Please bare with me it's my first thread but I'm desperate for advice.

My grandmother moved in with me, DH and children 5 years ago she was given a terminal diagnosis and her life expectancy at the time was very short, she brought me up as a child and is like a mother to me so I wanted to care for her and do everything I could. Fast forward 5 years and she is still here we've had a great few years with her and she is generally independent, the last few months her memory has deteriorated aswell as her mobility but she has managed to get by. Last week she fell twice, the second time I could not lift her so I had to call an ambulance, she was so bad on her legs that they have kept her in, this has made her memory issues worse and she has fallen again in the hospital. Luckily no injuries from any falls.

No ideas why this is happening, nil medically wrong. The hospital is keen for me to take her home, she lives upstairs in my house and occupies 2 rooms which is like a mini flat. The problem is is that she can barely walk, using a Zimmer frame now and needing 1-2 people for assistance, she is mildly confused periodically (unsure why shes in hospital, doesnt know where she lives), and now occasionally incontinent. They want to get an ambulance to bring her home and up the stairs because there is no way she will be able to climb them herself.

To top all of this off she is giving me a real hard time I'm not sure if it's the confusion or what but blaming me for her not being able to come home yet. I have explained time and time again my concerns but I'm left feeling extremely guilty.

I'm really down about it all part of me thinks I didnt sign up for this (we did want more children but have no room so I have sacrificed deeply), how on earth am I going to manage her at home myself and DH work FT and have 2 kids, I feel trapped and guilt ridden into accepting her back which I feel is my duty, shes begging me and making me promise not to put her in a home, we cannot afford that or any personal carer anyway. I'm sorry for my kids because I dont know how long this will go on for, will we ever be able to go on holiday, probably not because we will have to care for her she will never be able to be left on her own at night time even if we could manage in the day.

The hospital have agreed to some step down rehab which she will hopefully move to shortly this is only short term then she is to come home.

Any advise from anyone who has been in a similar situation, we are very close and I love her dearly

OP posts:
Original poster
Washingnerd · 14/12/2019 02:59

Thank you all so kindly for replying to me at this hour

She was diagnosed with cancer, had a very short period of treatment which was aweful so decided to give it up and was given 6 months to live. She had a brain scan, xrays and blood tests and they dont think there is any relation to her terminal diagnosis, it's just old age, although no official diagnosis of dementia we are awaiting an appointment with the memory clinic. I asked them to refer to SS yesterday for an assessment and they said because she is going to rehab they wont do one as they expect she will improve, I am a nurse myself and looking at her there is no way shes going to independently mobile without any assistance. I'm worried I will be pushed into bringing her home from this rehab place when her time is up regardless of ongoing needs

OP posts:
katy1213 · 14/12/2019 02:44

Please don't be guilted into this. It sounds like she needs full-time supervision/care and you can't possibly do that. The hospital will be very keen to move her back home as that unblocks a bed (and is cheapest). If you make it absolutely clear that this is not going to happen, they will have to come up with another option. Once she is back under your roof, it will be very difficult to get more than basic help unless/until she is hospitalised after another fall. This could eat up your children's entire childhood. Tough though it seems, you simply don't have the wherewithal to look after her safely. Could you visit some local care homes and at least see what they're like? Much better to have her safely cared for with frequent visits from family than to build up resentment in a situation you can't cope with.

dreichXmas · 14/12/2019 02:41

My MIL took her mother into her home as she had a terminal cancer diagnosis and a few months the live.
After five years she started to suffer from dementia and was eventually put in a home.
Mil felt terrible but it really was the best thing all round.
What you can do for six months isn't what you can do for ten years with increasing dementia.
Personally I would get an assessment of her needs while she is in hospital, once she is at home she will drop on the urgency list.

SleepWarrior · 14/12/2019 02:33

Oh my gosh, that sounds tough. I don't have any particular experience so can't really offer useful advice. However, please don't feel guilty. You have done/are doing loads and sound like a truly wonderful granddaughter. Your love for her really comes though in the way you talk.

If her memory and mobility have declined lately, could possibly be moving into the next stage (so to speak) of her terminal illness? I ask that gently, not meaning to upset you. It can be hard when in the midst of a tiring and taxing situation to feel that it will go on forever and that there is no end in sight, but that's just not going to be the case on a long term basis (as much as the last few year must feel long ). Can I ask what the diagnosis is?

You are doing the right thing by raising questions about her care while she is still in hospital though. If there are needs that can't be met because of xyz, they are more likely to get addressed with freeing up her bed as an incentive. Once she's home it's even harder to get the help you need. If you are prepared to have her discharged to your home ultimately, can you get occupational health to come out now and put recommations in place for her (that said I don't know quite how it works at present as my OH experience is from years ago).

Hopefully lots of knowledgeable posters will be along with advice Flowers

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