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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum refusing help but needs it

32 replies

FestiveBake · 19/11/2019 22:10

After having looked after MIL with dementia for a few years, it seems my mum is declining in a very similar way, quite quickly.

She has other mental health issues and her GP describes her as ‘eccentric’. After two hospital admissions, district nurses now visit every day to administer diabetes meds as she’s too chaotic to do this herself.

She is incandescent that this is happening, denies she can’t look after herself etc. She hides the medication they leave in her house and blames the nurses, makes their life terribly difficult. Has much medication from previous years and randomly gives herself extra doses of insulin - it’s a miracle they’ve always managed to realise this before an accident has taken place.
I receive a call at least twice a week to let me know how difficult she is and what she’s done this time.

Her house is horrendous, she has hoarding issues but it’s filthy. Particularly around food, there is decaying food all over. The nurses have called me twice already this week for this issue. She won’t let me look on her fridge or throw food out. The nurses think there’s flies in the fridge (so possibly maggots?)

She refuses to have help and is massively over any threshold for free help (which I think she could be persuaded to have if she didn’t have to pay). I have financial POA but nothing else. Her GP has been to assess and says she has enough capacity to make her own decisions but acknowledges she is quite a risk to herself in many ways. She has been reported to adult safeguarding on a few occasions but I haven’t heard from them.

What happens now? It really is a matter of time before she either burns her house down with smoking, has a diabetic coma, poisons herself with food or something else.

We don’t particularly get on, she has terrible narcissistic tendencies and I have withdrawn other than occasional visits, calls every other day. She tells everyone how awful I am (professionals - thankfully they can see through her). She would however love me to offer to do housework but I have a demanding full time job as well as my own young family and just can’t. She’d let me pay for a cleaner but I can’t afford to - she’s much wealthier than me.

Im just not sure what happens now - I think if something happened, I’d feel terribly guilty.

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 20/11/2019 13:45

if her gp or the nurses feel she is a danger to herself and have already referred her to the safeguarding team can they help at all, would she stop medical professionals chucking out old medication and keeping her insulin locked up? if she is at risk of medicine mismanagement then I am guessing her gp is aware and a full review has been done with the gp and pharmacy. how does she manage cooking and day to day stuff, the fridge might be a health risk and it's difficult to understand that she is living in such a desperate state and everyone knows about it.

maslinpan · 20/11/2019 10:47

This is horrendous for you, I really feel for you. It is hard to know what else you can do if she has mental capacity - she cannot be forced to do anything she doesn't want to, whatever the risks to her health. Remember she is making these decisions herself, so she alone is responsible for the consequences of those decisions. As you say, you can't physically shove get aside to clean out the fridge, and she wouldn't thank you for it either. At least the nurses are well aware of the situation and your efforts to improve it, but it must be such a strain.

Original poster
FestiveBake · 20/11/2019 10:39

Coded locked box was suggested and she said if I bought one she’d throw it away as she didn’t need it. She will not accept that she’s given herself too much meds because she’s been able to manage it for 40 years and there’s nothing she can’t manage now.

She won’t let me throw out food or meds. Stands in front of me/cupboards and has a temper tantrum. I’m not going to push an 80 year old out of the way.

Poa is set up but not activated. She wouldn’t let a cleaner in either.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 20/11/2019 08:52

I think I would have to throw out the rotten food. If you have POA, set up a standing order to pay a cleaner, it's for her benefit. Does she get Attendance Allowance, that would pay towards help.

putputput · 20/11/2019 08:27

Would she let you dispose of any old medications? Anything that was out of date?

Could you get a coded lock box to store the insulin in? Make sure district nurses have the code, justify it to her as she's given herself overdoses. Trickier if she has insulin that needs to be kept in the fridge.

Original poster
FestiveBake · 20/11/2019 08:18

She definitely wouldn’t accept help from a cleaner if she has to pay for it. As for chucking stuff out, my mum is very protective over her hoarded things and it just wouldn’t happen.

She’s had the fire service round, they’ve fitted alarms etc and warned her of the dangers of smoking in bed but to no avail.

It’s tough.

OP posts:
malfoylovespotter · 19/11/2019 22:51

This is a difficult one. If she has the capacity to make decisions regarding her care and finances then there's nothing you can do. POA can't apply if she has the capacity.

Mental capacity allows people to make poor decisions as long as they understand the risks.

You can refer to social services/Safeguarding but without her consent it won't go anywhere. Her money doesn't come into it for an assessment of need.

Would she accept help like a cleaner- maybe from Age UK or similar? I know people who have done this - cleaner then starts doing more for client and acts as another pair of eyes. Can also chuck out the old meds on the sly.

See if she will agree to a fire Safe and Well check (or whatever they call it in your area) which should open doors to free safety stuff.

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