The guilt of sis I do enough?

30 replies

Foslady · 15/11/2019 07:13

Now on week 7 after the stroke.
Dad has declined mentally v badly and I can help feeling I should have questioned more, but the Dr’s are specialists, I know I should trust them........but I’m just consumed with the fear that I should have questioned more.
But if I had objected because I read an article would it have been worse for him?
I just feel if I had questioned more maybe he wouldn’t have declined so much. We have no idea how much is dementia (was showing early stages) and how much is delerium.
How the hell do I get through this one?
Mum has gone to pieces but denied it until recently and only now just says it’s acceptable for her to behave this way (won’t listen, become totally self absorbed to the point that she became more of an issue then dad and was taking more time and energy, hence more feelings of guilt re dads care.)
I feel as if I have let him down when he needed me more than ever

OP posts:

Original poster

Foslady · 15/11/2019 08:26

@Goldenchildsmum - I never thought to ask, how bad is that? I have the Discharge Co ordinators number , I’ll check.
This is what I mean about not doing enough. That’s a basic question I should have asked.
Thing that doesn’t help either is that they keep telling mum stuff and then we get a phone call that goes
Someone cane to see your dad/me today.
Oh, who was it?
I don’t know.
What did they say?
I can’t remember. Something about your dad. I told them he doesn’t like to eat vegetables.....

Hence then trying to get hold of someone to find out who it was (if they know) and what it was about.....my dsis and I are on our knees trying to cope with it all, and work, and put the energy in to running our homes, be there for our family.....and mum is making things so much more stressful. We ask them not to talk to her about things that require decisions but it keeps happening and then we have to unravel what is happening with dads care.....

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Goldenchildsmum · 15/11/2019 08:17

Will he have any rehab? It very much depends on which part of the brain is affected by the stroke as to which faculties deteriorate.

If he already has signs of dementia then that can get worse after a stroke

But please don't lose hope

There's so much which can be done. Do lots of reading and research. Speak to Age UK, The Alzheimer's society (it wont matter if he doesn't have Alzheimers)

Your role as helper and cheerleader is just beginning and it can be a very cathartic role

Original poster

Foslady · 15/11/2019 07:43

He’s in hospital now but just waiting for his 1:1 funding to be approved and as long as he’s still stable and MH team are happy he’s due out to a lovely nursing home that are dementia friendly.
He’s 84 and this was his fear - losing his mind

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Goldenchildsmum · 15/11/2019 07:36

Where is your dad now? How old is he?

loutypips · 15/11/2019 07:30

From being in a similar situation a couple of years ago, yes you are doing your best.
Is he still in hospital? Tbh, when my Nan was in there she was in a bad state, the nurses were crap (on the particular ward she was on, which was a specialist stroke ward), and they didn't know how to deal with her odd behaviour as the stroke brought on vascular dementia.
Honestly, the only time we felt supported was when social services finally became involved. They assessed her and found that the hospitals assessment was complete lies.
The improvement started when we found a care home that had dementia trained staff. The home have been fantastic. And despite doctors saying that she was going to die nearly 4 years ago, she's still going.

Have you been in touch with social services to see what support they can offer?

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