Hello. My Dad is in a Nhome the past few months. He had early stages of dementia but is now getting worse in terms of mobiliy but he is still recognising us thankfully. Mum is much younger than him and openly noted to us she didn't want to mind him so she did everything she could to get him into a home from his initial diagnosis. Long story.
The nHome is 4 hours away from me and I try everyweek if not twice a week to visit my Dad. My Mum lives 2 minutes away by car from the nhome and I am finding it very difficult to visit her when I go to see my Dad. There is a history there with her behaviour and my tolerance of it. Everytime I visit I am upset leaving and it takes its toll on me and my own family. But this weekend when I visited them both, I just thought I cannot do this much longer where I am constantly scoffed at for visiting Dad making the long journey and "isn't he fine, I am looking out for him" and never ever during the week do I get an update on Dad. She would never phone me or let me know if he was unwell which he had been recently and ended up in hospital. She is perfectly able to go on holidays, meet friends, have everyone have sympathy for her, but she treats her children so differently. I have heard today from staff that she isn't visiting everyday like she has told me and also senior staff have started emailing me with things Dad needs etc. I feel very much on my own as my two siblings don't live in the country and they try to visit once a month but would just tolerate her too and just go through the motions with her. I guess what I am saying is I am just finding the whole thing hard with her more so than my poor Dad. I have also discovered she has lied over two very signifance issues with regard to my Dad and I am finding that very difficult to deal with. My other siblings just want nothing to do with her but I am concerned now that maybe she isn't mentally well as you couldn't make up some of her behaviour. But then I switch to her just being not a nice person and has a major issue with her daughter who is trying to keep a family together and be there for both of them. Just not sure what to do anymore. One part of me is just be there and be kind and do what you have to do. Other side feels like having it really out with her and not being a door mat, but unfortunately the consequences of that I amn't able to deal with. So I guess kindness and tolerance is what is needed. I am so aware life is short having a lot going on in my own immediate family and illness and also having mil and fil who both had alzehmiers and who myself and hubby cared for until the very end. So I also wonder do I feel so bad that Dad went into the home without me being able to care for him in my own home. My Mum just would not let us help and that was such an issue. Also now that she isn't visiting all the time and staff emailing me, if I don't keep visiting Dad I won't know whats needed or going on. Its just the guilt too I feel if I am so close to the nHome and I don't visit her. Thanks for listening....................