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Elderly parents
Original poster

In cancer denial

33 replies

LindaLa · 09/09/2019 10:45

This is about a very close friends parents (they helped raise me when my mum died).

Both are early 70s, dm has Parkinson's and is slowly getting worse and df had heart attack and bypass surgery a month ago.

Whilst he was in hospital they found cancer. Lungs and bowel.

He is refusing to listen. Keeps saying they need to do more test and I'll keep refusing to let them.

His notes say "advanced cancer - refused treatment."

He won't listen to anyone.

I know I can't smack sense into him but how can I help my friend and her mum?

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 09/09/2019 11:02

Sorry you are all going through this.
I arranged for a mental health nurse to assist my mother when she was in hospital and she helped her rationalise her thoughts about her treatment and refusals. It really helped her but didn’t change the outcome unfortunately.

HRH2020 · 09/09/2019 11:02

Could you contact McMillan for your friend's dm to get some support?

CassianAndor · 09/09/2019 11:01

what a difficult situation for your friend, OP. The absolute blunt reality is that he's being incredibly selfish - his poor wife. His decisions will have a massive negative impact on her.

Original poster
LindaLa · 09/09/2019 10:59

Many thanks for the replies and sympathy for those who have similar situations. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
LindaLa · 09/09/2019 10:57

He doesn't believe anything is wrong.

He wants to go home and all will return to normal.

He is currently back in hospital because he is having trouble breathing.

He will not have carers.

He refuses to even let my friend come In to wash up.
He insists he is fine.

Her mum is not strong enough to be a carer for him.

If he was alone, I'd just leave him be but he isn't.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 09/09/2019 10:56

also he is wise to refuse tests

my father cried some days when they wanted to do more tests, he was in so much pain already. I kept saying "you can refuse" but then he'd agree and they'd wheel him off crying. It was bloody awful.

RosaWaiting · 09/09/2019 10:49

well how does your friend feel?

He might prefer palliative care only and that's his choice to make. Quite often, advanced cancer treatment is just dragging out end of life - my father died of cancer and the doctors carried on treatment very late and he agreed to it. It was the worst time of my life and dad's life - he just couldn't let go.

What do you think your friend and her mum need? Is it that they find his choice hard to accept, or that they are just coming to terms with it all? The uncertainty is horrific.

ChicCroissant · 09/09/2019 10:49

I realise that this is upsetting news for you, but the patient is entitled to make their own decisions about their health. It is fine if he doesn't want to have any further tests or treatment. Just support him, your friend and her mum Flowers

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