In cancer denial

He keeps telling everyone ... he needs to get home as he is a carer for his wife! Can you work on this at all, and persuade him his wife is being well looked after? I suspect not, from your later posts.

It's really hard. I cared for people who didn't want me to do anything and were really really stubborn over it. If you can get a decent carer in the door then often they can get somewhere once they're trusted
I used to get around it a bit by saying well I have to stay here for 20 mins, can I have a brew? You having one? And then make a cup of tea and I've made a mess, best wipe the sides and wash up anyway
What you having for tea tonight? Oh I'll just get it out ready and put the oven on. I basically used to do things so fast they didn't have chance to argue and I'm as stubborn as they come so it worked out well
I think I spent 10 weeks trying to persuade someone to shower because she was terrified of falling or being seen undressed. I had a flannel over my eyes at one point

It's incredibly hard especially when they're stubborn and independent!

Drs are willing to give him painkillers but he won't take them, he says he doesn't trust them to knock him out and do tests anyway.,,
There is no talking to him

That really is extreme self-sabotage. I think you're wise to concentrate on his wife and on damage limitation.
It seems to be a man thing when this stuff happens. And it's tough on everyone.

My dad refused to let the doctors tell him that he had cancer. He allowed them to talk to my mum separately though, and they broke the news to her instead, telling her that they'd given him every chance to ask what was wrong with him, but he'd persistently avoided doing so, and they had to respect that. However, he did allow himself to be treated 'for a prostate problem'. He lived for years longer than expected (it had already spread when he was diagnosed), but even as he lay on his deathbed at home, with visits from Marie Curie and Macmillan nurses, the C word never crossed his lips nor those of any of us family and friends. It was weird.
But his consultant said that his sheer determination not to acknowledge that it was happening might actually have contributed to him doing much better than expected.

OP - do you mean you won't know if he can enjoy more time unless he tries?

he might already know, IYSWIM. What have the doctors said? Have they given any indication of what his max quality of life could be?

Would his wife accept carers, and play along that they were for her, whilst he was actually getting the help too?

I know it shouldn't be necessary, but I also know how stubborn older men can sometimes be! If it was done from a 'it will help your wife who you love dearly' point of view (ie. emotional blackmail!), maybe he might accept it?

PS OP what does his wife say to social workers? We said bluntly that we couldn’t help dad at home.

sara I wasn’t trying to generalise, just saying the choice is individual. Apologies.

As you’ve raised it though, if someone doesn’t want to live the extra time that might be available too, that is their right.

OP if he won’t take painkillers that’s a very hard thing to see. There actually might be an argument that his wife and daughter don’t visit for a while to save their strength a little.

Is he in a position where any time can be “enjoyed” btw?

It's a very sad situation and a similar situation we were in recently. My FIL was diagnosed with cancer. He didn't want to talk about it, acknowledge it or have anything to do with the hospital. As a result we knew very little info but we had to respect his decision and kept everything as normal as possible until the symptoms became too much for him and he was admitted to hospital. Even when he was there on his death bed he in denial. My advice is although you don't agree, ultimately it's his decision and one that should be respected. Good luck

also he is wise to refuse tests
Not necessarily, @RosaWaiting
My husband was diagnosed with cancer of the bowel, lungs and liver. He had all the tests and treatment going, and though cure was never an option, he lived two more years of good quality life.

I'm sorry your dad was in so much discomfort (my husband fortunately wasn't) but I think it's important not to generalise about what someone with a cancer diagnosis should or shouldn't do.

There are lots of helplines for people with cancer and their families. I would call one of those as the first step. This won't be an unusual situation for them. They might be able to help.

But yes, refusing treatment is fine. But not accepting help, isn't.
Surely the fact that his wife has Parkinsons is something that his lies can't hide?
I would have thought that would flag up care needs straight off.

he is also a cancer patient refusing treatment and taking up a bed for someone who'd love the opportunity of treatment

That's not true. Be annoyed with him for rational reasons, but don't go looking for extra things to blame him for. No-one will not get cancer treatment because he has a bed for a few days.

He needs to be told he must do everything for himself if he is refusing help.
I have had family move into the hospital to see if it is possible.
No nursing help if this has been refused at home.
It is often then that the patient realises that they cannot do everything.

Your friend needs to go to the hospital and ask for a meeting with the charge nurse of his ward. She needs to tell them very bluntly " Nobody at home can care for him ". Your friend needs to be assertive about this, otherwise the staff will think that he has people at home who can do the caring.

If he is in hospital, he will be assessed before he is discharged - so his family could speak to a hospital social worker while he is in,.

ah, refusing care and expecting his wife to do it is completely wrong.

that is an area where you might be able to help. I had a friend whose mum expected her to do all her care - the shock of a stranger going in and saying "your daughter will break under the strain" did actually work and she got a carer.

I wouldn't focus on the cancer, I would focus on the fact that there are tasks that need doing and someone needs to help.