The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

nota what about audio books? I can get lost in one and pootle around even cleaning.......
yolo keep fighting.... the documentary is on this week about our local hospital....
hope everyone else is doing ok. cockroach

Thank you for the encouragement Victoria I will take a look at that.

notaflyingmonkey
You absolutely can teach yourself to crochet, and it is something that is a lovely , relaxing thing to do.
Look at Bella Coco crochet on youtube, she also has a Facebook page.

DH has had words with FIL, got the usual "I didn't mean them". I think he got the message across. Lovely Finnish girlfriend wrote a very moving post on Facebook about how insecure she feels at the moment and how she is now afraid to speak on the phone to her gran in her own language if she is in a public space. Not only was she was viciously verbally abused for speaking a foreign language when her mum phoned her, another immigrant was attacked on a bus in their city. So now she speaks English to her mum if she is out but she can't to her gran. FIL won't see it though as she had unfriended him. I think he would be shocked to realise the impact his posts have had on someone he does actually care about.

nota I'm learning Spanish using Duolingo. I find it pushes everything else out of my mind for a few minutes.

Random question - I need to find a destress-y something to do with myself that isn't eating or drinking or sitting on the internet. I seem to struggle with reading these days, as I don't have the concentration span. For some reason the idea of crochet appeals - does anyone know if it is something that I could teach myself to do?

toofarout yes I totally understand you and missing your mum. I miss mine, how she was before frailty and ill health overtook her, even though she was only officially diagnosed with dementia about 4 weeks before her death. I miss the person she was, not the person she became.

Thanks thesandwich and yolo. The worst thing is I really miss her: I miss being able to call her and share my highs and lows. I have a wonderfully supportive DH and family, but- you know what I mean

countrygirl and toofarout - sending you steadying vibes, you are doing your very best.

A week on from our hospital meeting and no confirmation of what was discussed and what steps would be taken to change things. Think I will have to chase on Monday... I was thinking about mum a lot today, and how she used to be so sharp - she would have been full of political stuff.

add I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Dementia is cruel. Please dont feel guilty about her not going home- she may be talking about somewhere completely different.
Others may be able to recommend reading etc about how to handle your mum- but never disagree.
🌺🌺🍷🍷for you.

Aaagh! Started to post this earlier and stopped
But feeling a bit more balanced.

Backstory: DM has dementia. Currently in a lovely care home where they try very hard - she’s had so much more interaction with people since she went there.

But she wants to go hoooooome, This is usually accompanied by tears and threats of suicide.

We’re going through the DoLs process, but her own solicitors agree that the risk of her having a trial at home are too high.

DSis and I live a long way away (5 - 6 hours) - we come to visit when we can but it’s very hard.

Today I came down on the train which was massively delayed, so I wasn’t in the best place to start with. She was really pleased to see me, but we then had to do the “why can’t I go home” conversation. She looks so well, and sounded quite together, so I felt sooo guilty and sad, But I do know that even if I wanted her to be at her house it wouldn’t happen.

I was holding it together ok until we got onto her “other house”. This is a completely fictional house she’s decided we’re all moving into. I tried so hard not to contradict her, but when she said “ah well, you said DS couldn’t manage the hill to the other school”, I said “well, he’s settled so well into his new school we don’t want to move him” and she went ballistic!

“I’m monitoring your fibs! I’m very smart you know and I’m keeping an eye on all the fibs you’ve told me!”

At that point it was time for me to leave. I just said I was tired after my long journey. But seriously I needed such a big cry! Just too sodding hard! How do I cope with this?

Progressed to whisky this evening. Words have been said. Lovely Finnish future daughter in law posted on Facebook about how the current political rhetoric and some recent real life experiences have made her feel unsafe and it made me cry.

Definitely a glass of wine evening. FIL always used to use Facebook to see what the family where up to and to share photos. The last few months he has taken to sharing nasty right wing and anti immigrant stuff. It was too much for DS2 (lovely Finnish girlfriend) and he phoned to check FIL won't be at our house when they visit over Christmas. Luckily DS1 (lovely Chinese girlfriend) isn't on Facebook. OH has been charged with "having words", he isn't looking forward to it.

I second Flamingnoras suggestion of wine in the evening. We did go through a stage of having a glass as soon as we'd finished our own tasks for the day just so we could legitimately say "sorry, can't come". Not good for the liver or the bank balance though.

Wow Carrot that is so much to cope with I totally understand the self martyring manipulation, my mum. Does this alot.

You must take some time for yourself, helps xx

carrot just echo everyone else. Carve something out that fuels you. Essential self maintenance.

Carrot, you have my sympathy, I thought I was having a hard time dealing with my stuff, but you have even more to shoulder and you're doing brilliantly. I went see my dr recently who told me to visit my mother less (because she won't remember), say "no" more and do not allow guilt to make me do stuff that I cannot manage.

I wish there was more I could offer apart from recommending wine in the evening (even a glassful means you cannot drive anywhere to "rescue"), I've told my employer and they've been brilliant despite being a charity with no money.

All we can do is keep on keeping on, but make sure there is something good that's just for you at least weekly, preferably daily. Mine is swimming- half an hour three times a week- it lifts my mood and gives me a clarity which I cannot do without.

carrot and . Breathing is good, as is trying to carve out some time for yourself in whatever way - hot bath, big drink, go to the park with the littlies (although given the weather here that would be my last option!!)

Carrot

I don't know you but I'd like to offer a hug and a stiff drink!

I forgot to introduce myself. I'm LPA (both types) for my parents with one of my brothers. My Dad is in a care home with moderate dementia and the usual health issues of the 90 yo. He's always been depressive, anxious, self obsessed and the dementia is magnifying it. He moved into a care home 18 months ago because he could no longer cope with living independently (or with my mum) and had a series of bad UTIs

My Mum had a stroke when I was 10 (30 years ago!) and is chairbound. She won't use an electric chair and resists anything that might make her life easier as she won't accept her disability. She's now in her mid 80s. She lives at home with nightsitters, 4 dual carer visits a day, hoisted transfers, a housekeeper etc.

My Dad is an obsessive phone call maker and is miserable in his care home but is reluctant to move because he wants somewhere Catholic

My Mum is emotionally manipulative and has never managed her own life so now Dad is in a home she assumes that I will do everything and make everything happen whilst she does stupid things like not bothering to check who she buzzes in (one of those ex-con duster sales people last week!)

I'm also trying to sort out their finances to make sure that their vastly expensive care (about £100k currently) is affordable and that IHT risks are managed

In the midst of this one of my brother's committed suicide not long after Dad went into the care home and didn't leave a will so it's on my parents to sort out all his estate (so me)

And I work full time and have two small kids and a husband who works away a lot.

And breathe

@JaceLancs You can get replacement birth and marriage certificates from the GRO or from the registry office they were registered at.

The paperwork is inhumane.

Jace i am sorty about your Dad. Christmas always brings everything home with a bump.