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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

964 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/08/2019 22:25

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

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yolofish · 16/12/2019 11:37

Yay for the cockroach maddy! cheers one and all.

Funerals are funny things aren't they, often quite enjoyable in a weird way.

DB took mum's ashes home with him, although he doesn't actually know what to do with them either! (Pre the hospital meeting, we were discussing what to do with them - DH suggested putting the box on the table at the meeting and saying 'here's mum'!! We didn't, but we thought about it!)

maddywest · 16/12/2019 09:31

Wow sandwich I'm really shocked that the carers don't cover Christmas, even if you had to pay double time or something. Lots of people have jobs that mean they have to do a Christmas rota, it's really not that unusual. Angry

Flowers to you Jace, I found it hard but also lovely to hear how much my dad meant to other people, especially from parts of his life that I realised I didn't know much about.

And yolo I'm dismayed that the care home guilt comes back to bite, I'm still struggling with the first round of it! But on a cheerier note, they did have a visit the other day from an exotic animal sanctuary, including a snake, some giant african land snails, and ... a... giant... african... cockroach. It's true, I've seen the photos!

notaflyingmonkey · 16/12/2019 08:49

The thing that stands out for me in remembering my dad's funeral, was the sheer numbers of people that turned out for him - including blokes who he had lived in a hostel with in his early 20's, yet he was 71 when he died. This before the age of the internet etc, but had kept in touch over the years. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I am pretty sure that when it comes to my time I'll be hard pressed to fill one pew.

JaceLancs · 16/12/2019 00:42

Thank you everyone
Especially #AutumnRose1 I’m not even sad or that surprised - they are what they are - part of me feels sorry for why they are like this
All that said - it’s about me! For a change Hmm
There is a huge hole in my life - I know I will grieve and move on
But right now I’m hurting
It’s hard to convey to semi strangers - on line how much the world is diminished by lack of my Dad - I listened to people I don’t know that well today about how much he touched their lives and was humbled
So many soliloquies
RIP Sir S...... xxxxx

AutumnRose1 · 15/12/2019 22:44

Jace I feel for you

On the subject of selfish people, sorry if I said it before, but about a month after dad died, an acquaintance of his was visiting mum (I was there all the time pretty much) and took me to one side and said “you know, I’m really struggling to cope with the death of your father”.

An acquaintance. Not even a friend. At least they had the decency to take me aside so mum didn’t hear it. But I was quite pissed off. It wasn’t the only time someone tried to make it about them, so I’m sorry but there might be more.

I know you can be hit hard by the death of an acquaintance but burdening their children with it? Like, can you just not?! (If that song had been out last year I might have actually said that!)

JaceLancs · 15/12/2019 22:34

Interment itself went ok
I cried more in Costa on DP before than I did in churchyard
It was just very final
Took DM out for Sunday lunch - she is very lost herself and I think will feel it more in January
I’m shocked at the amount of narcissistic individuals I come across (no names mentioned)
Even at this time - it’s constantly about them!
I’m trying to rise above it
Dcat is millimetres from my side DS not far behind him - there is only retail therapy left
Thank you for helping me through the last few months x it’s really helped - I’m having a large gin and an early night

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2019 22:08

@thesandwich i am outraged that they wont cover xmas day. What, exactly, would they do if you wasn't around the corner? Becoming a carer is bloody eye opening - people liken it to childcare, they couldn't be more wrong. Angry

thesandwich · 15/12/2019 21:52

Thanks for the solidarity folks! I will cope Christmas Eve/ day as dm should be coming here for the day- but other plans to visit and spend precious time with my dd will be greatly curtailed....
But is s#£&..

yolofish · 15/12/2019 21:18

oh fuck sandwich... how will you manage? Wine etc for you xx

AutumnRose1 · 15/12/2019 21:14

Oh sandwich what a nightmare! It winds the crap out of me how essential things shut down because of fucking Xmas.

Hopefully your brothers will help as Xmas day at least is an easier drive?

thesandwich · 15/12/2019 21:03

Private.... expectation on daughter round the corner who has no life of her own......
Dbs have offered to help out which is good, but they are 80 plus miles away....

yolofish · 15/12/2019 20:44

jesus sandwich are they SS or private? that's bad, what do they expect people to do? (yeah yeah, I know....)

thesandwich · 15/12/2019 20:08

nora sure they will value the card.
yolo you did the best you could. Please don’t beat yourself up.
Just heard that carers won’t cover Christmas Eve/ day Boxing Day teas/ bed calls... s£&*.

yolofish · 15/12/2019 18:29

DD2's boyfriend's mum (still with me?!) is now working in one of the care homes DM was in. She's only been there about 3 weeks, says it is terrible and she will leave. That makes me feel bad, because I kept telling DM that everyone was kind and nice and had her best interests at heart...

nora they will appreciate the card I'm sure.

flamingnoravera · 15/12/2019 17:53

I just took a card in the end.

thesandwich · 15/12/2019 14:44

Oooh maybe too late but tins of biscuits/ chocs?

flamingnoravera · 15/12/2019 13:30

I've got to go the cars home xmas party this afternoon. Does one take a gift for the staff? If so, what?

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2019 10:52

LEM There will come a time when you feel able to support others. Now is the time to accept support.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2019 10:51

For some reason the idea of crochet appeals - does anyone know if it is something that I could teach myself to do? Yes, I did, lots of beginners books, and the process itself is quite straightforward. It's very absorbing, looking at the structure of it, I find it fascinating the way the pattern evolves from a combination of how fast you progress forward and how long a stitch you drop to anchor into the previous row.. You can basically use wool or cotton and a larger hook and make blankets, throws, clothes, soft toys, or you can use much thinner cotton and a tiny hook and make lace. All my hand towels now have lace edgings.

I use crochet to keep half my brain occupied when my dad is talking very very slowly and in a fantasy land of his own - it keeps me calm enough not to try and correct him when he explains that the town we are in doesn't actually belong to our city, it belongs to the next city and our city have to pay a vast amount of rent, and the freehold of my house has been bought without my knowledge by British Gas who will sue me for outstanding rent and bankrupt me.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 15/12/2019 08:40

jace thinking of you.
LEM 🌺🌺

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2019 01:18

Jace i wish you well for tomorrow.

I need to get my crochet hook out. Oh to have time

AutumnRose1 · 15/12/2019 01:12

LEM, I wish I could support you all more.

Jace, sending love for tomorrow.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2019 00:55

Sorry, that got cut short . I also posted a long post earlier but it got lost before i sent it.

Just reaching out to everyone really. My head is too muddled to comment at present. I wish I could support you more

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2019 00:10

Hey - thus fell off my active list. Things continue to be dire with mum.

JaceLancs · 14/12/2019 20:57

I knit and crochet - one of the few things I can do with Dcat on knee!
It would’ve been my Dads 94th birthday today - instead we are interring his ashes tomorrow
I’m still struggling with the whole Xmas thing - quite low etc
On a more positive note am cutting back on the drinking and getting back on my diet