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Elderly parents
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The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

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MereDintofPandiculation · 22/08/2019 22:25

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

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AutumnRose1 · 26/12/2019 15:42

Gosh, such stories! Although I think two of us had to call ambulances last year so better than that...

I am HOME on my sofa and I’m so glad it’s over. Going to spend NYE there as well but that’s not the same kind of pressure and misery.

Oh and we were plagued by fake calls from banks. It was quite freaky. Do fraudsters think it’s a good day to catch people out, maybe?

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/12/2019 22:15

Hope it all went well dint Lovely day, one of our best ever. Then my father took himself off to the loo, and managed to subside to the floor when turning to get the toilet paper. No harm done, but I expect the home won't want us to have him any more!

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flamingnoravera · 25/12/2019 19:59

It's all done. Mum at mine for dinner. a Grimm sent her a present which went down well. Dinner was delicious thanks to DS, pitching in and charming my mum and doing some bits and bobs to help.

DS is now at his dad's and I've got my feet up, surrounded by cats and holding a glass of wine.
Phew!

Mum was remarkably lucid today which helped.

Happy Christmas to all roaches.
Xx

notaflyingmonkey · 25/12/2019 19:38

Plan B didn't come off. I realised that DM didn't want to inconvenience DB, so she came to mine for dinner after all. Except - I told her I would pick her up later than I usually do for Xmas, so that me, DH and DCs got to have a nice walk by the river in the sunshine beforehand which really helped with my anxiety.

Am now sat watching Bake Off. Cheers all.

JaceLancs · 25/12/2019 18:51

Happy Christmas everyone
Bonus side effect with DM Alzheimer’s - she’s forgotten she doesn’t like cats!
Dcat is very happy with this change

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)
thesandwich · 25/12/2019 17:42

Hope it all went well dint and well done for going for plan b nota
Dd just wheeled dm home, me following with commode, frame etc, etc.( by car I add) now breathe! When’s gav and Stacy?
Hope everyone else is doing ok. 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/12/2019 11:16

dint fil always got a present in his care home. Hope your logistics work today. Ah, so normal, then. So far today one cat has peed on a rug, and the cats between them have broken (as in shattered) the cat flap. DH has gone demented trying to stuff turkey and assemble pigs in blankets helped by 3 cats. Just having a moment of sanity before the final run of assemble toilet rails, assemble ramp and collect DF. Oh, and brush hair, clean teeth and "put my face on".

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notaflyingmonkey · 25/12/2019 11:00

Season's greetings all.

Xmas day drama no1: I relented and invited DM to mine for dinner to save DB the long drive. Apparently she has now told DB that she won't come as she doesn't feel well (I'm not sure if she meant 'welcome' tbh).

So, instead of spending my morning getting stressed in the kitchen and bracing myself for her visit, once the DCs surface, I am planning to corral the family into a long walk (sunshine here today), and then we can all prepare the dinner when we get home. I'll then drive DM's plate and gifts over to hers this evening. By which time I should be better able to cope with her drama. I realise plan B may not come off, but the absence of stress feels good for now.

countrygirl99 · 25/12/2019 09:13

Hope today is peaceful for everyone. A little bit more goodwill to all men restored here. DS2 and his Finnish DP went to visit ILs with OH yesterday and tried to fix his laptop - he's been clicking on dodgy links and got a virus. Again. And no, he hadn't renewed the anti virus software OH had sorted for him last time. Too expensive apparently.
Furniture situation has been solved for now with a loaned armchair and folding garden chairs. Goodness knows what scrapes the new year will bring.

thesandwich · 25/12/2019 08:11

Hope everyone can find some moments of joy in the next few days... thinking of you all.
dint fil always got a present in his care home. Hope your logistics work today.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 24/12/2019 23:38

My father has been given a Christmas present from the home. I think that's rather sweet. (even if it is the same present for all the men) Is it usual?

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countrygirl99 · 24/12/2019 14:01

OH is on his way back from visiting ILs so I expect I will hear how the chair problem is solved. Can't help thinking my boss, who is lovely, would happily swap for my IL problems. His dad was admitted to a hospice for end of life care a few days ago so reminding myself to count blessings.

AutumnRose1 · 24/12/2019 12:43

thanks all

I'm unlikely to be around till Boxing Day (late)....hope you are all okay
Flowers

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 24/12/2019 11:38

I can no longer worry that mum is the Unhappy Widow sitting at home, grieving. Because maybe that's just how it's going to be. I once ditched a BF who was suffering from depression - sounds heartless, but the clear fact was that I wasn't doing him any good by being there (and he was an abusive bastard anyway). Just because someone is suffering doesn't mean you are the right person to alleviate that suffering. And there's no point damaging yourelf unnecessarily.

Am jealous of people who can wear lovely rings. My fingers look like a pack of pork sausages. You have to learn to love chunky rings. I can no longer wear delicate rings, I have to go for much bolder ones.

Calm here for a day before trying to negotiate getting dm into and out of our house with assorted gear.... Same here. Ramps to get up a flight of 4 steep stone steps are out of storage, wheelchair loan arranged, rails fixed round toilet, Central heating to be ramped up to tropical ...

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thesandwich · 23/12/2019 21:54

countrygirl you couldn’t make it up.... hope it’s sorted.
yolo I hope you have a good time and manage the il’s- make sure you find how to make it work for you.
Calm here for a day before trying to negotiate getting dm into and out of our house with assorted gear....

yolofish · 23/12/2019 20:48

Oh god countrygirl you really couldnt make it up... but agree, not your problem to solve. Let BIL sort it and perhaps they will start to see there's an issue?

I do actually miss my mum, but the mum she was 'before' not the one she became ?

We have quite a frantic few days ahead (xmas eve drinks party then 8 for xmas day plus at least 2 staying) and back in the day she would have a) loved it and b) been entirely on my side about potential and actual dreadfulness of inlaws.

countrygirl99 · 23/12/2019 19:56

FIL continues to generate chaos. This time its furniture. Apparently (we knew nothing about it) he ordered some new living room furniture back in October and whèn he ordered it was given a delivery date of today. So last week, unknown to us he advertised his old chairs on a local Facebook page free as long as collected by yesterday, and they went. Phoned OH this morning in tears because guess what. Yep, not coming until January. He hadn't checked delivery before giving the old stuff away BIL2 and family are going to theirs to cook Christmas dinner and there are no chairs. They were going to have dinner on their laps as it was. Leaving that 1 to BIL2 to solve.

thesandwich · 23/12/2019 16:28

I think that taking responsibility for the happiness of others is such a trap and a drain.
Been doing lots for dm and feeling guilty about not visiting today...... but I need time away. Will be up tomorrow and Christmas Day....

notaflyingmonkey · 23/12/2019 12:09

I feel into the same trap with my mum after my dad died Autumn. It was hard to extricate myself once I realised what I had done (going to see her every weekend, etc), but I think it was better for both of us when I did as it gave us both a chance to move on. I think the first year after you lose a parent is lost to grief anyway.

Am jealous of people who can wear lovely rings. My fingers look like a pack of pork sausages.

AutumnRose1 · 23/12/2019 11:02

Mere you could still do something!

What I was trying to do was build more support for me because I felt I needed it in order to support mum.

What I've realised is that I need to toughen up probably. I've ended up becoming "friends" with a couple of people who are actually not good for me.

I can no longer worry that mum is the Unhappy Widow sitting at home, grieving. Because maybe that's just how it's going to be.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/12/2019 10:26

The Winter Solstice seems a good day to acknowledge those mistakes and move on. The fact you made those mistakes means you wre trying to do something. It's easy to avoid mistakes if you sit back and make no effort to improve things.

I was planning to do something to celebrate the winter solstice. Woke up today and realised I'd missed it.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/12/2019 10:22

Opals aren't the toughest of stones, "best" use only, not everyday. I have one which I'm thinking about seeing if I can get repolished..

Cats for elders: joyforall.com/products/companion-cats
Sorry, US site for short link, but easily available in UK from Amazon and elsewhere. Surprisingly calming. Sit there purring and being stroked rather than "I'm going to keep walking over your keyboard until you feed me"

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JaceLancs · 22/12/2019 19:00

Yolo gorgeous cats too!
I’m feeling much better today - madly cleaned house - did Xmas food shop and loads of washing
Met up with DD and DS for lunch and am now sat on sofa with Dcat
Working Monday and Tuesday so needed to get organised

AutumnRose1 · 22/12/2019 17:33

yolo gorgeous cats!

My mum tries hard not to say depressing stuff but today it slipped out “I don’t enjoy anything without your father” and I can’t cure that no matter how much time I spend there.

yolofish · 22/12/2019 14:10

jace beautiful ring and nice nails too! (envious of anyone with nice nails, mine constantly knackered and full of mud because gardening/animals)

autumn I'm glad you can feel like moving on, don't beat yourself up - there are enough others to do that!

re cats: we got mum another one about a year before she died, knowing that he would end up coming to us. He was so good for her, giving her someone to love, talk to, care for, and think/talk about. He was an RSPCA rescue, here he is with our two. He has special food (no teeth!) and they are pretty pissed off with the situation. Bar the odd spat they get on fine now.

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)