The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Not been on here for a while
Sometimes I just get so fed up with myself about being so fed up that I can’t talk or even type about it!
DM dementia getting worse, DF getting weaker day by day and no one seems that interested in getting to bottom of it - I’ve spent all week kicking ass about it and am finally feeling slightly more hopeful (got MDT meeting on Tuesday which will hopefully help)
DDs MIL has just been diagnosed with cancer of spine which has spread - she’s been trying to get Drs to listen to her symptoms for 5 months and been brushed off, having emergency surgery today
Last night found out my ExMIL elderly DH had a fall at home, today she’s had to make awful decision to not try and prolong life any further
One of my close friends is just entering a messy divorce and has been in need of tlc,
DB and DS are on holiday and I’m just feeling very alone and unable to cope
I feel like a sponge if everyone else’s emotions and I can’t soak up anymore

PS Minty, how does your dad manage stairs?

It’s a tough one because my dad was a great believer in “use it or lose it” and mum has a couple of friends who have stair lifts fitted but only use them about once a month!

Minty “I know damn well that the more I give, the more will be expected”

I feel this too. I could do loads more but I don’t because I can see how easily that happens. Mum and sister are both the type that if someone will do it for them, they like that.

I did have a chat with a couple of friends about doing more for mum and they all seem to think “use it or lose it” applies and also think it’s important for oldies to keep independence for other reasons.

At the moment, I tend to think I could be really needed much more in future so almost best to keep back a bit now.

I spent the night last night, I could have stayed another night but I find it hard to just relax and do nothing in her house. I think I’ve mentioned before I’ve got friends who take their elderly parents on holiday and I really don’t know how they do it. I wish I could but I’m tense all the time unless we just watch TV or sit and talk but there are limits to those things.

Ooh Rosa, that would make me really cross.

It's hard enough to put your own boundaries in place without people randomly volunteering your services.

I've spent a lot more time with The Olds over the summer holidays but probably could have done a bit more. I have chosen not to because a/ I need a break b/it'll only make it harder to adjust when I go back to work and c/ I know damn well that the more I give, the more will be expected.

'Morning all. [looks round at lovely welcoming space. Great name, too]

Glad to read you are sticking to your guns, Rosa. Entirely reasonable to be allowed to make any offer of help yourself (if you want to...)

It might seem like tempting fate to mention that we seem to have reached a period of calm but life has been quite quiet on the DM front for a while. She is safe and well cared for and now mostly sleeps when I visit (still) weekly. I feel bad about staying only an hour but ... DSis encourages me to consider the two plus hour each way journey...

First set of potential tenants coming to visit the now cleared and decorated house next week. Fingers crossed.

In related news, who knew that you are not liable for council tax for an unoccupied house in some LAs if you are in a home (or, for the record, in prison).

sandwich I actually would have volunteered if asked. It’s the fact that mum suggested it to her friend, seems to have basically said “oh Rosa will take you”. Yes I’ve done it before but I expect to be asked if it’s okay.

nora, hold your nerve. As others say, keep notes.
Hello all!!!
Thanks dint for the forward thinking ⭐️
And rosa, you are perfectly in order! Protect you time off.

Cockroach cafe? I might stand outside.

Had to tell mum off after she offered my help to one of her friends for a hospital appointment, it’s one thing for me to offer but I don’t like someone saying “oh I’ll ask Rosa”.

Makes me wary what to say about my day off. Mum thought I was being harsh, she said “if you’re asked and you’re busy, just say no” but I really don’t like someone else suggesting I do it in the first place!

I thought you were going all street there Nora with the g reference (it's how my DS talks to his mates...)

Agree with Yolo, keep notes. It really does help when you try to remember who said what when if you can just refer to your notes.

That request sounds like a fishing trip on the part of the Grimms. Agree that ignoring it sounds sensible.

I hope you're keeping extensive notes nora! actually I found these threads really helpful when putting in a complaint about mum's 'care' (or lack thereof) to the Trust, basically because I had dates/details from throughout and could be really specific about what happened when. Complain is nowhere near resolution, of course, but the 11 page dossier I sent them should have rattled them at least.

The Grimms sound a bloody nightmare, they must know they're on a hiding to nothing, do you think they're just chancing it?

Sorry about that last post. I was going to say it's rare that I appear in the first three of a new thread.

I got an email this morning, from Grimm bros, saying they now accept that we need resi for both but only if mum pays £67k to her DH as part of some settlement to make things equal. On Tuesday she expressly forbade me to pay any money to him. It's gonna result in stalemate. I'm ignoring their request for money at the moment.

It's rare g

ooh I get first post! thanks dint