The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Jace always love a cat pic!

Temp do the patients have call buttons, I guess they must do.

I would much rather be in a single room even if there isn't an increase in staff tbh. My experience is that the staff are so stressed out and busy they often don't have a chance to notice anything.

my late father begged me to find a way to get him a single room but sadly there was no way to do it.

nota didn't your DB offer to do a lot more and have your mum move near etc?

if you want the job, I'm sure there's ways it can be sorted. I can't remember if you are one of the posters who does gardening etc for your DM but that isn't essential, someone else can do it etc.

Cockroaches to all those in the trenches currently.

I've got a job interview coming up for a very grown up job. It would be a promotion for me if I got it, and involve some international travel. Clearly I haven't even had the interview yet, but I was saying to a friend last night that I'm not sure if I could do it with DM, as just trying to arrange a week's holiday for my family involves enormous effort on my part. She told me not to be so bloody stupid and that my adult DB, DH and DCs will need to step up and that I need to put myself and my career first for once. Sounds good in theory...

I'm back after a long while with those who sadly understand...

My dad has had a stroke and ive cancelled my holiday with ds to do a bit of support. Glad, too, as they had completely missed one major impairment that's actually life threatening. My area of expertise but not hard to spot once i had someone actually looking. Gorgeous brand new hospital with single rooms but staffing oddly not increased to compensate for not being able to eyeball multiple patients at once.

Driving back tomorrow and staying over tgere as its a 2 hour drive each way. Hoping once the bl**dy bank holiday is over things will kick into gear a bit. Meanwhile my mother in laws dementia gets worse and my dm has been told something by her GP but cant temember what it is...

Thank you Rosa
It’s so bad that dark chocolate n Bacardi have now joined the cat n me on sofa
However I’m watching history programmes on catch up tv n DD is taking over DF duty tomorrow so I’m going to try n chill until Monday

Jace I see. Yes, I can imagine.

I have some gin and a cucumber something or other to have with it

I do try n look after me - even if it involves gin!
Been batch cooking tonight for when I need a break
I’m also lucky enough to have furry nurse - who always senses when I need extra tlc

Yes DF is in a nursing home but past experience is that wheels grind very slowly without pro active relatives

nora yes, that’s what I mean, they should sort the money between them if both have capacity.

Someone here said “you can’t keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire” or some such. Very true.

Actually, I may just do the "you two need to sort this out between you" and remind her that I am not going to be piggy in the middle in their mess of a marriage.

I can't get her into a home because she refuses to be separated from him and they say he can't afford a home unless she pays him. The social worker said the only solution was for them to go together but the sons are now using this to manipulate the money thing. And yes, their dad is part of it all- he's fully aware of what's happening but he's using them as his flying monkeys. I've told her that his actions are not those of a loving husband (when she says "he loves me") and the other day when I broke down and said I'm at the end of my tether with this she said she'd tell her husband to tell the bros to lay off or she'd leave him. But by the next day she'd forgotten that threat although she clearly remembers how upset and angry I was about it all.

I'd love to just say "sort it out yourselves" im walking away but it's my mum and she's vulnerable.

X post Jace I thought your dad was in a home?

Are you taking vitamins? I take all the vitamins!!

Tbh nora my first suggestion would be that you don’t respond.

If you see them in person, point out then that the social worker says your mu has capacity and that she and her husband need to sort it between them. He has capacity does he?

Is it worth posting on the legal board?

I can’t see how they have a leg to stand on. Even if they claim they act in their fathers best interests, i wonder how the office of the public guardian would see it.

Also, is the husband using them as a smokescreen?

I would tell your mother bluntly that she should protect you, her child, from the problems of her marriage. I’m not joking. She has capacity and she should look after you in the moral sense, which frankly involves telling her husband or his sons to leave you alone.

Is she still going to a home?

Thank you everyone - I did take a few hours break today but went to visit another friend who isn’t well and despite their brave face I’m now concerned for her too!
DD was too tied up with MIL to visit DF as promised so I now feel awful as no one has checked if new meds ordered have actually arrived so I’ll have to go tomorrow morning
On more positive note DD MIL op gone better than expected
It doesn’t help that my job is very emotionally draining for many reasons n we are in process of moving - I’m surprised I’m not having a breakdown - the only outward sign of all this so far is I started with a cluster of cold sores yesterday 😬

It's a mix of her saying why can't she come and live with me and saying I never contact her (I call her daily and visit two weekly). It's also the demands of managing her affairs which I'm buckling under the strain of.

Today I got another message from Grimm 2 asking me for a response to the demand that mum pays their dad £68k for half the house they currently live in which he chose to pay for. I don't know why he did but he had capacity and there is no prenup or suggestion that mum was to reimburse him. They've gone through every bank statement since they married and are trying to suggest that mum has fleeced their dad. But she has paid all the utilities and food and council tax since they married, has nursed him for 15 years. Whilst I cannot be so petty as they are to go through bank statements as they have done I can see that these payments alone come to way more than the money they are demanding- I've talked it over with mum who has capacity and she says I'm not to pay her husband anything. (I've said all this in earlier posts).

My difficulty is they are now pushing me to respond to say if any money is to be paid over from mum and I'm struggling to know what to say and how to word it.

They've suggested that not paying it means their dad can't have the care he needs- but this is not true- it would mean cashing investments (as it would for mum to pay out to him) but the main thing is mum is saying NO and she was declared to have capacity by a social worker on Tuesday.

I just don't know how to put the words together to say mum has forbidden me to make any payments in respect of the property purchase without it appearing that it's me that's made the decision. I agree with her- i think it's none of their business how they managed their money in their marriage.

I'm reluctant to put anything in writing to them and dislike them so much now that I cannot bear to speak to them on the phone- they make my skin crawl.

I just don't know how to tackle this.

Thanks rosa I’ve seen a v good physio which is helping... not cheap but helps and shows what to do and what not to.

sandwich oh dear, have you had a chance to see a doc about your back?

jace rosa and everyone else struggling🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫🍫
It is so hard to support elderlies and look after ourselves..... currently trying to sort my dodgy back( worsened by humping a wheelchair in and out of my car) and not alarm dm but support her..... having to cancel so many of the things that fuel me and help me function.....

nora oh dear
I hadn’t realised your mum was consciously making demands on you

Jace it's so darn hard, it's relentless. Can you withdraw a bit and give yourself a break? I broke down into tears this week with my mum and it shocked her into changing her demands on me a bit, it's actually stayed in her memory so she's been phoning me to check I'm ok instead of the other way round.

I think sometimes we just have to withdraw and accept that crises will happen and we cannot carry it all. Be nice to yourself, have a weep if you need to and then do something that's just for you, whatever that might be.

Jace, I feel for you.

One friend said to me “you have to just think of yourself as a unit and think, am I okay, as in, me, the unit”? I hope that vaguely makes sense.

I also wonder if some people who cope better have less of that “absorbing the feelings of others”?