The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Welcome Flathead

I had some issues with mum overdoing it. Tbh mostly she had to learn for herself. She doesn’t have arthritis but will get exhausted to the point of feeling unwell and low blood pressure drops more.

Some things she still does and there’s just no stopping her. I tend to think, well, she must be allowed her independence!

Can I join? Single parent to single mum. DM is "young" to be as physically limited as she is - she's 72, mental alertness excellent, and actually v supportive emotionally in a crisis, but I see her getting more and more anxious on a day to day basis, and so more vulnerable to people telling her she "needs" things smart meter She is really limited by arthritis and has a cluster of other conditions rumbling on that are more or less to be expected but hard for her nonetheless.

Positives: she lives nearby, she is amazing, my DC adore her, she has a will of iron
Negatives: did I mention the will of iron?! She's getting very down about how her mobility is decreasing, and I don't know how to help her manage her mindset/mood about it without sounding really annoying - clearly she's in chronic pain, and she genuinely can't move very freely, so "chin up" is quite reasonably likely to get me a verbal clip round the ear...

She's a bugger about not asking for help but then telling me how she's overdone it, so I am more and more trying to pre-empt what she might need. I don't resent that, but I suppose I am just quite conscious this is the start of moving into a very different zone.

Nora I’d be tempted to say “you’re ruining my life” and then block.

Does your mum know you’re not well? Have you shown her the messages?

Oh nora I'm so sorry they are trying that nonsense. Notice they are trying to make it about you being open and honest about what I'd happy rather than their terrible behaviour.

I get that this is really not fair on you and such a difficult position to be in.

Sending you very best healing vibes. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't help.

Do look after yourself, too. All the best.

nora so glad you are going to the docs. Tell them everything, all the Grimm stuff too. Make sure you are registered as a carer. They may be able to point to support
So sorry you are having to deal with this. Could social worker help.
🌺🌺

I'm going to drs today. The bleeding is still happening, less than Sunday but still bleeding.

The Grimms have been back in touch accusing me of ruining my mums birthday and upsetting the olds because I told the olds what the Grimms were doing. It was the first thing I woke up to this morning and I just burst into tears. I'm alone with this shit, no partner, no siblings, just me. I want to walk away from all of it.

nora did you get seen by a doctor? hope you are ok...

rosa you wait til you're 58, I'm at the stage where I cant remember why I went upstairs!!

This time last year DM was in a massively expensive private care home and hating every minute of it. Came home from there and it all went tits up yet again. So weird to think she only had 2 more months...

Flaming how are you today?

How’s everyone?

I surpassed myself by flapping because I rang mum a few times and there was no answer. Turns out I’d forgotten she was having lunch with friends this afternoon. I’m only 43, is my memory going already?! She’s going to be 81 soon! Then again, she moans about how my generation can’t remember a phone number..

Love the cat :) and the rings.

I know I should be asleep but I got the urge to clean the kitchen. I'm in bed now.

Still chilling with cat
DF is looking bit better today
I’m ignoring phone messages from DM who won’t remember ringing anyway
DP took me out for splendid Chinese - back on duty tomorrow
Big hugs for all that need them

Let us know how you get on Nora, otherwise we'll think the brothers Grimm have put some kind of hex on you....

Cross posted. 🌺🌺

nora please do something about the bleeding. Look after yourself.

111 called. Recommended to see an ooh within 6 hours :( but the bleeding has stopped now, I feel fine. I don't want to go to ooh at 1130 tonight, I'm too tired and can't cope with any more angst tonight. I'm going to go to bed, I've been up since 630 am. If it returns or gets worse I'll call 111 again, I've agreed this with the Ooh service. Thanks for the advice. I'd have waited till the GP reopened on Tuesday. But honestly, I've no pain and I feel ok, miserable, but ok. What a decking horrid day.

Nora the bleeding is worth a call to 111 as it gets taken quite seriously post-menopause.

nora I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about bleeding post menopause, but such sudden heavy bleeding would concern me and I’d go to out of hours tbh. Do you have one? Or call NHS 111?

I went to see mum and her DH today. It was her birthday (81) and we went for lunch, I had zero appetite and ate nothing. Mum asked why and I was honest and said it was stress.

We went back to theirs and I told mum (again) what's been happening with the Grimms and said she and her DH need to sort out what they want to do about the money issue and then tell me- I told them that I was not going to accept any more texts or emails from the Grimms because it's too stressful and the olds can make their own decisions. Her DH denied knowing anything about the money issue (a lie, he was there when they brought it up at the meeting where they reduced mum to tears).

Mum is like her old self- fearsome tiger mother. Says she's going to call them and "give them what for". For today- we'll see if she remembers it tomorrow.

I got home to find another text asking about the money from Grimm 2. I've told him no more- I'll only accept texts if there is an emergency. It feels better but I'm steaming adrenaline.

To add to it all I got up from lunch and felt an odd rush in my knickers (tmi sorry) and ran to the loo, blood pouring out of me. I'm 57 on HRT and not had a period since I can remember. It soaked through my skirt and I had to rush off to buy pads and clean myself up. Can stress bring on bleeding post menopause?

I'm going for an early night and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

to all of us who've had a crap day today.

nota oh dear

I’d still leave finding someone new to DB. Does she have any issues that led to her pissing people off btw?

Unfortunately DM has pissed off pretty much all her neighbours by being rude to them at one time or another. She's fallen out with all her friends, my SIL, my DH, so it's me or DB and whoever I can pay who will actually turn up (think she pissed the gardener off and that's why he stopped turning up).

nota

wouldn't it be easier to get domestic help rather than a care agency for most of those jobs?

why not give the task of finding someone for those things to your DB?

I shouldn't say this after what I just said earlier in the thread, lol, but in terms of medical appointments, would anyone else take her? I sometimes take mum's elderly friends to medical appointments, hence what happened upthread!

it sounds like she needs maybe twice a week domestic help and a gardener, then the evening carer can just do the care bit.

do any neighbours help? mum has some lovely neighbours who will take food in if she's short of anything.

I also did shopping and prescription collecting etc for an elderly neighbour many moons ago. Admittedly I offered - she didn't ask but she was a lovely lady so I was happy to help. I think there's definitely people around who believe in the community thing and just keeping an eye and doing small jobs. I was working 2 jobs back then and the lady had other helpers that she found through a church.

She has carers who come in the evening to check up on her and make sure she's taking her meds. I do her shopping, empty bins, put washing on, put washing away, gardening, take her to medical appointments, etc. I found a care agency who promised to be able to do these things, but gave up trying to get anyone to speak to me. It's on my list to find another company I can outsource some of these things to.

nota strange isn't it.

mum once asked me "why are you using a man's umbrella?"

I looked very confused - well, I was, to be fair - handed it to her and said "mum, look at the way it opens....why do I need a penis for that?" It was surprisingly effective

re the doing things, so it's not essential things, is that correct? Does she have carers or anything?

Yes, Rosa because I am the daughter, she expects me to be around to do things for her, and not my DB despite the fact that he has more time than me, due to his being a man.

nota but it sounds to me like it's your mum who needs to push things with your DB? Didn't she say something about not wanting to be a bother to him but happy to bother you?

Wise words Dint about how I view problems. I think because we've had a run of plates that I thought were spinning, turning out not to be, that I just crashed into self doubt.

DB said he would do more, but that hasn't materialised. DM doesn't like the idea of him giving up his time to do stuff for her, so he tends to give up offering without too much of a fight - leaving it to me. Whether I get this job or not, I will have to have another words with him as I can't be expected to always pick up the slack.