The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

@#thesandwich
Thank you - I’m actually in bits right now but probably time I went to bed - at least for a few hours rest

Listen to what your nearest and dearest say. They know the situation.
And you sound close to breaking.
Your gut will tell you. And whatever you do, hands to hold here. 🌺

At least I have cat support n vodka tonight

My gut feel is to go but then I waver and feel guilty
DC, DB and even DM say go.........
I have a full on day job and struggle to allow myself to take leave (I’m the boss) so doubly important to reduce stress
Holiday 1 is with a female friend who is going through a messy divorce so will not be party party - however she will be totally fine if I have to leave early
Holiday 2 is with DP who is trying to cheer me up/reduce stress

jace that is really tough.i am sorry. So hard to advise.
Would you be able to enjoy your holiday or will it make things harder?
This could go on for a lot longer. Would the break help you cope?
Is there support for dm?
What do your dc say?
What is your gut feel? Only you can decide. 🌺🌺

Jace hugs for you

I don’t know what to advise as tbh I never had grandparents so I can’t even think what my coping skills would have been like...but other people with more useful advice will be along shortly, I’m sure

DF deteriorating rapidly - now got a chest infection which he is being treated for but I suspect may be the end of him
DM is struggling with this understandably not helped by her dementia
I’m alternately in bits, then next minute accepting and at peace
DC supporting me and have made their farewells just in case
DB is still on holiday but we call and he will Skype DM and DF with my help tomorrow
Please help me - I am supposed to be going on holiday in a few days and again in a few weeks - both abroad but short flights and could probably get back if needed
I’m at peace in that I can’t change DF situation any further now, every time I see him I’m prepared for it to be got the last time
However am worried about DM, even if I did fly back could take up to 8 hours to get flight, check in etc plus flight time and transfers
Adult DC would pitch in but I feel unfair to ask - they are 26 and 27 if that matters
What would you do? Appreciate we are all different
I can’t decide and keep hoping for signs of improvement which will help my decision

nora ignore me if I’m being nosey but are you okay healhwise, hope so.

Mum eats, she eats cake every day, lucky her. She eats what she always did. She gained about 3lb after having two children and was horrified. She’s definitely a hollow legs person since I was born, but is now significantly underweight as opposed to a smidge.

She can still do laundry, water the garden, change bed linen etc. So hopefully that’s a proper amount of strength for her age?

I'm ok after my hideous weekend last weekend. Things are just being allowed to carry on until it becomes untenable. My mum's sertraline updose has resulted in her becoming much more lucid (but no memory of her lucidity) which is a bit disconcerting because she is clearly understanding stuff- just cannot remember what she just understood.

So sorry to hear about your mothers weight loss Rosa and Sandwich keep on feeding them whatever they will eat- are there any natural appetite stimulants that they could have to encourage them to eat a bit more?

sandwich sorry you have the same worry.

Mum comments on my work bag, doesn’t seem to realise it’s not heavy for me. I’m not asking her to eat more but I just wondered how normal it was to have this weight loss with no explanation. I’ve seen 85+ going this way but 80 seems a bit young, perhaps just my experience.

To be fair, I think it’s compounded the whole “so depressing be around” experience. Even my sister is shocked now and she is generally quite philosophical about it all. I keep thinking, if mum can’t reverse the loss, what will she weigh this time next year - five stone?!

Hi rosa and hello all..... hope things are calm.
Dm skeletal too- complains everything is too heavy - even her purse. Trying to encourage her to eat more but not easy. Hope physio can work magic for her later this week....

How’s everyone doing?

My mother is now getting skeletal. She has been checked for everything, no issues, but reckons it’s just age. I suppose it’s freaking me out because it’s quite scary to see. She looks like a puff of wind would knock her over.

thanks rosa I'm going to apply fine toothcomb to every bit of paper I can find! the distribution is not complicated at all, it will probably take me about half an hour once I have everything in place, but damned if I'm giving the fuckweasel anything else!!

Jace good to hear he is a bit better.

yolo have you double checked that? I don’t mean to be patronising but I once helped a friend take action against solicitor when they demanded extra money - and it worked, the money was returned with a bit of compensation.

So is it worth going through every piece of paper? I know you said you didnt like the guy. When mum had this, she had a very nice lady but even then, the firm sent a very clear letter outlining the procedures they were taking on, with quotes for everyone’s fees - solicitor and paralegal - and also a rough estimate of how many hours they thought it would take, and a likely total. I presume that was the firm policy and not just the fact that the lady was v good.

With my friend’s case, there was a lot of gaslighting on paper if that makes sense!

Thank you for hugs DD on visiting duties today and reports that DF has been having a better day 😊
Dietitian is being really helpful (rang me to update) and has arranged temp alternative whilst waiting for correct NSG feed so DF has actually received some calories into system which must be a bonus
I’m supposed to be going on holiday for 5/6 days next week but will leave it up until day before to decide - if DF stable or improving will go n hope for best

jace more hugs after yesterday.

With DM, she had a DNR in place; we asked what would happen if she developed eg pneumonia. It would be treated as she was just 'broken' not ill (they said....) In fact she died from pneumonia which they didnt think to mention to family? they must have noticed it developing?

TBH, it would have been better if her catastrophic injury on June 7 last year had been catastrophic enough to finish her off - her final 5 months were awful. I am totally in support of volutnary euthanasia and she'd have taken it.

In other 'you couldnt make it up news' it appears we only instructed mum's solicitor to extract the grant of probate and not distribute the estate, for which privilige they would like £225 an hour plus VAT. Funnily enough, we have decided to do it ourselves...

Temp “the ludicrous reality of what elderly people are forced through before we all finally allow them to die”

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. With my dad, I got the impression they feared being sued or something. He did sign a DNR when he still had capacity, which was helpful.

Something else that confuses and concerns me is availability of hospice places. The hospice dad went to was tiny and it seemed to be complete coincidence that a bed came up for him. My sister has a friend whose mum is end stage cancer and she seems to have been sent home because there are no hospice places available at present.

No idea how we move from theoretical programmes on 'we need to talk about death' to change the ludicrous reality of what elderly people are forced through before we all finally allow them to die. My dad is on a stroke pathway that is every bit as inflexible as the Liverpool Care Pathway was supposed to be. Its all about the way these things are implemented and seeing people as individuals.

Temp “Made what i considered to be an incredibly reasonable request that they consider palliation if he deteriorates (another stroke, infection). They reacted as if I'd proposed finishing him off there and then.”

Sadly this sounds familiar. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Just in awe of the hours of unpaid work and infinite energy and mental space represented here.

I was at the ward round for my 88 year old dad on Tues on the stroke ward. Made what i considered to be an incredibly reasonable request that they consider palliation if he deteriorates (another stroke, infection). They reacted as if I'd proposed finishing him off there and then. The consultant stood at the far end of the bed and rattled off long complex sentences to my dad despite his diagnosed language and cognitive problems. The doctor winked at me. Can't stand being winked at. Patronising arse. I'd spent four days there caring for dad and the doctor barely acknowledged me, didn't even ask why i was thinking that way. I told him the stroke has affected everything my dad still likes to do and he just ignored it. If my dad gets back to playing bridge and living independently i will donate £100 to his ward, but i think my money is safe. They didnt even spot his swallowing problem until i got there.

More hugs jace 🌺🌺

Thank you - sleep well - one and all

Oh Jace hugs to you.

hug that cat and sink the gin jace

Sadly exMIL DH died this morning
No news re DD MIL cancer prognosis
Tonight I have furry cat nurse and gin - hugs to all that need them