The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

thinking of you yolo🌺

nota DD1 was the same not wanting to admit failure, seeing it as defeat etc. BUT: in her first flat she had: a drug dealer; a manic listmaker who policed everyone's kitchen habits but never actually spoke; a bloke who beat his girlfriend up; and one bloke who was quite normal but never there. You can bet my arse I got her out of there!!! I actually blame the uni, because they put her as a 1st year into a flat where all the others were 3rd years but all water under the bridge now. I would just urge talking, and that if it's shit it's shit, he doesnt need to put up with it just Because...

He was desperate to leave home and become independent *Yolo, so even though it would only take him an hour to get home with me or DH driving, I think he would see it as defeat. My main concern is he has zero self confidence, and has yet to actually meet anyone from his flat. Am trying not to fret.

nota its suck it and see isnt it? DD1 had a dreadful time in her first flat, took 4 or 5 weeks for her to move and then it was all better. Can he get home for w/e if he wants to? DD1's circs were quite particular, but I told her to either get on a train or I would come and get her, during the week was manageable but w/e are quite long when you are young and miserable... xx

Thanks for the hand hold all. I'm 50/50 as to whether DS will manage or not at uni, but I hope he can rise to the occasion without having me or his dad around to do stuff for him/take the blame for stuff. We shall see.

Glad to hear you are planning on getting away again Jace.

I've had a couple of weeks of DB sharing DM's care, which appears to have been brought to and end, as he works/is busy. Sigh.

Good luck tomorrow Yolo. We are all thinking of you.

Cockroaches all.

Hello everyone - back from holiday n DF still with us 😊
I felt there was a tiny improvement however staff at nursing home tell me they are still classing him as amber on end of life terms and that could only mean weeks
DB is back off holiday tomorrow so have taken a leap of faith and booked another short break with DP this time
I have a very stressful day job too and am struggling to keep it altogether so hope this will help

glad you had a good time dint and hope the holiday relax mode doesnt wear off too quickly...
nota its horrible leaving them at uni at the best of times, but hopefully he will make friends quickly and settle - is he good at keeping in touch? I still msg both of mine every night just with a quick 'love you xxx' but sometimes have to dig for info if I think there's something going wrong.

So glad you had a lovely week dint you deserve it.
nota crikey you have got a lot to deal with. Does your sons uni have a system where students give consent that parents can be contacted? Recently introduced at Bristol uni. Is he known to student services etc? Is pastoral care good? I really hope he has a great time but it’s so hard for you.🌺🌺

Unrelated to the thread, but checking in as we are just getting ready to take DS to uni and I don't know which of us is most nervous. He has had the year from hell - drugs, mental health, police involvement, you name it. He seems stable ATM, but only time will tell how he reacts to being away from home.

With you @yolofish. Hoping your DH will be OK.

yolo everything crossed for you and mr y. Thinking of you all.
All the cockroaches
Understand the tensing before visits......

Fingers crossed for MrYolo.

Hospital just called, oncologist wants to see DH ASAP. So we have an appt Monday pm. I am not liking the sound of this at all. Surely if it was just to sign him off (as surgeons said would be the case) the oncologist could phone him, rather than waste valuable appointment time? I suppose he might recommend another course of chemo... fuck it.

The other hospital (DM's) phoned to offer an appt for our complaint meeting - next Tuesday at 10.45am. I declined on grounds of short notice, they've fucked us about this long they can give us a proper advance notice of a meeting.

TFIF, I have already. cockroach and courage to all.

Attendance Allowance isn't means tested, but more about levels of need. I got it for DM and use it for the things I can outsource, such as gardening.

I went to visit DM last night, and noticed that I seem to feel achy for a couple of hours beforehand. I realised it is because I am physically bracing myself for the visit. She starts finding fault before I have even started unpacking the shopping, and so faffing in the garden, taking out the rubbish etc offers a brief escape.

nora can you look on him as a charming diversion? ie dont put your life on hold, but a fwb...

disclosure welcome, you will get good advice and good humour from this lot.

On that note! picked mums ashes up from the funeral directors today. Bloody hell, she was like a tiny little bird at the end but compacted ashes are really quite heavy. Had to do quite a few other errands today, so ended up taking her into a local jewellers she was fond of followed by a drive into the next local town and back to the village for some other bits and bobs. Had to leave her in the car while I had lunch as didnt know where to put her... then found a little space behind a pic of DDs from school. Fucking surreal!!

DB wants to take her to her favourite beach in another country for distribution - out of goodwill I offered to go with him, clearly not what he wants. Unfortunately , DDs want to go... I dont really care actually, the ashes dont mean anything to me at all?

nota I know re the breadcrumb man. Not a catch, so much potential to be so but so self involved and inflexible means I'm left with crumbs of his busy time. It's not helping the anxiety I know. But dumping means an even more painful few months while I get over him and I've no stamina right now.

Disclosure welcome to the thread.

My advice, FWIW, would be to work out what your line in the sand is. Your mum has money, and sounds like she has capacity to make her own decisions so perhaps at this stage you might not need to be more than a sympathetic ear - but only you know if your DM is trying to pull you in more.

It would be worth getting Power of Attorney in place sooner rather than later, and consider applying for Attendance Allowance which can be used to pay for things that can be outsourced like gardeners, cleaners, etc.

Nora breadcrumb man sounds like quite the catch...

Welcome fulldisclosure :)

Although our mothers' ailments are different our circumstances are v similar. Sorry to hear of her recent injuries. What plans are in place for her care now?