The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

jace thinking of you.
nora hope today is positive for your dm.
Many cockroaches all.

Thank you everyone I’ve cancelled work for day and am heading to hospital now to relieve DB who’s been there all night
DC joining me later
Hugs to you all

Jace sorry to hear your break ended badly, sounds like a hellish return to things.

Nora good luck with the arse kicking.

Cockroach all.

I have to work today, and I don't know whose arse to kick so today will be another of getting through. The hospice nurse is going to reassess him today which should trigger a decision to either a move to hospice or nursing home for him but when the move will happen, I don't know.
I don't know if anyone but mum and him will be there for the hospice nurse's visit (ie Grimms) so I'm not sure how she'll be able to assess with no input from anyone who makes any sense. I'll take her card to work and call her this morning so she knows about the hospital admission over the weekend.

And yolo I'm no spring chicken, at 57 my Saturday antics have left me shattered!

nora big respeck for the shagging (oh if only I were young again...). At least tomorrow is Monday and you can try and kick some ass somehow somewhere - could you kidnap her? make out you're taking her out for tea and cake and then just leave??

jace I am totally not surprised you are drinking too much, I would be/was/am too.

Back again! Got home at 4.30 this morning - thanks Thomas cook - up n down all day with upset stomach - could be IBS or bug or even food poisoning so decided not to visit DF till tomorrow then got a call from nursing home around 8pm re suspected pneumonia - can’t do IV antibiotics in nursing home so long debate with paramedics x on call Dr and DB - decided to follow advice and have him admitted despite having previously agreed that was not what we wanted
DB, DSIL and DM are at hospital n I’m waiting for call with DS and DD on hand for support
If this is it I’ll go but if it’s not I don’t want to risk making him worse
I’m in pieces right now n drinking far too much x please don’t judge me x

Respect to you Nora for the shagging til 4am. Commiserations for the bloody hospital discharge, sounds like the BG are waiting for you to blink.

Ffs, he's been sent home again this morning. So mum's back to "I can't leave him". Mum has been on the phone to me worried, thinking he's going to be left in the flat alone. The Grimms have told us nothing about arrangements for their dad from Wednesday.

On a brighter note, I had a lovely evening and night with my fwb, we talked, drank wine ate dinner and shagged till 4am! So at least my loneliness was dealt with and I feel comforted and tired but not so alone. The sick, anxious feeling is not so strong today.

hope the wine and old flame are helping nora.

Sorry, that's why I was wondering if his sons would fight the discharge.

nora Unsafe discharge is the message to get across to hospital fast- get your concerns registered.

Nora, sorry if I missed it but are his sons at the hospital?

nora they can try and do that... but you need to get on the phone and tell them that he cannot be discharged to the care of your mum who has dementia, that it is unsafe for both of them. And then keep hammering point home - if he is still in A&E ask to speak to nurse in charge and explain situation fully, prob unlikely to get anyone at PALS tonight unfortunately.

I cannot believe this- the ambulance crew have said to my aunt that he may be brought back tonight. How can this be allowed to happen? They cannot discharge him again to my mother's care - surely?
I suspect this is happening because the surgeon has said palliative care only from now on.
Whatever, I've now poured wine and awaiting company so I'm much calmer than earlier.

Sounds like things are resolving themselves Nora. Hope you are ok and manage to... errr… unclench tonight...

Everything crossed for you nora . 🍷🍷

Just had a call from the carers he's being taken into hospital (2nd time this week) this time I'm pretty sure that they cannot release him home which takes the decision out of mums domain.

The ambulance crew reported to social services this week that home was not safe so I'm crossing everything that he will only be released to a nursing home. My plan is to move mum on Wednesday, but I'll see if I can bring it forward now.

It's nearly wine o'clock and friend (wb) is coming round at 5 to let me pour it all out and eat with me, he's skint, I've got food and wine, he's got ears.

Thanks you lot, I'm all teary with this thread and the support but the beta blockers won't let me actually cry! (No bad thing).

Cross post with nota her suggestions sound more fun!!

nora here too..... so sorry you are dealing with this. Getting outside, walking is a great idea- do you use the headspace or calm app? Free trials available on both, they do help.
Can you contact the care agency to confirm someone will be there?
And say to your mum it’s only until she’s better?
Was social worker any use? Age uk or carers association may offer support for you.
Any tv nonsense you can lose yourself in? But walking, wherever, is good.
Gardening? Sounds trite but really interesting programme on gardeners world on Friday about gardening and health.
Thinking of you and sending hugs. Keep posting

FFS Nora that is so bloody hard. The Grimms are fucking horrors. Your poor mum, poor you. What can you find to do with yourself for the rest of the day - is shagging the ex on the cards?

Thanks yolo just knowing you care helps. I walked up to the shops- didn't buy anything and texted an old flame. He suggested we have a drink later- so I've some respite from my own four walls and racing thoughts.

I've read nora, I hear you. Try and take some deep breaths and keep calm (easier said than done). Will be back later to try and think of some ways to help xxx

My stress levels are through the roof today. I have had to take beta blockers to try to stave off the gnawing anxiety after an awful day (with some good bits) yesterday.
I went up to mums to take her to the psychiatrist, it turns out that the Grimms had also decided to hold a meeting about their father's care without any consultation with me or with mum. When they arrived mum told the wife of one of them that she was not coping and that she needs to go into care. The wife said that was the right thing to do and that the family would take steps to get their dad into nursing care because that is what he needs. Mum felt elated and we went to the psychiatrist with mum saying she felt like a weight had been lifted from her. The psychiatrist was brilliant- mum told a version of what was happening and I retold it correctly and the psych said "great- pack a bag and go now before you lose the vacancy- go today" and kept bringing mum to think about the positives. We left with a new diagnosis of vascular dementia and a sense of lightness that we could get mum moved although mum was admant that she could not go that day.
When we returned to their flat there was a full on meeting going on, the care agency a hospice nurse practitioner the Grimms and one of their wives. None of them stood up to let mum sit down and none asked how the psych visit had gone. They were talking about mum's DH who was semi concious on the sofa. They continued to talk about him and ask questions about him but none of them directed the questions to mum who has been looking after him for so long. As they were discussing a package of care that involved 4 visits by a care team and waking night visits I stopped them and said you need to know about mums plans. I told them about the psych's view that mum should go today and I had already called the care home and today was not possible but tomorrow might be. They agreed that it was the best thing. But mum then asked what would happen to her DH and they said they would make arrangements for him, mum then said "I am not going anywhere if he is not looked after" and we all reassured her that he would be. So I called the care home and arranged for Wednesday next week by which time his family said he would either be in a hospice or in a nursing home. Mum accepted that and the carers left.
Then the Grimms started on me about money again. I said I was not prepared to discuss money at this meeting as I had not come planning to meet with them but they persisted and persisted and in the end I said if you continue then I shall have no choice but to leave. One Grimm said "that's what your family always do, walk out when you dont want to talk" I said I have been clear that this is not the time or place and I am not prepared for this conversation so leave it now but he continued and started to shout at me.
I asked mum to come with me to her sister's place to get away from it but she insisted that she had to stay and I walked out to a shout of "take your mother now- go on take her- we will deal with dad- just take her now, you will be hearing from a solicitor" and I replied that a solicitor would probably be a good idea and tried one more time with mum who said she would follow me in 15 mins.
I ended up calling her to come to her sisters and all the good feelings from earlier had dissapeared and she was in a distressed state and totally confused about what was happening. We calmed her down and got her back into the good place and eventually took her back to her flat and told the Grimms that I would be back on weds to pick her up.

Today she has just called saying "I cant come, I cannot leave him- he is in tears, who is going to look after him?" We were back to square one. I had to remind her of her praying to thank god that she was moving to be with me yesterday and of the fact that he needs nursing care and yes he will cry- it is frightening and sad but it has to happen. I put the phone down eventually having reassured her that he would not be left alone and that he would either be in home or a hospice and she needs to make her move so that he can make his. She accepted this.

But I am just not sure that the Grimms will make sure there is someone there on Weds when I go to pick him up. I am sick with anxiety and alone with all this. So called partner is in Wales with his family and has not answered a text since thursday, friends are all busy and I am beside myself not knowing what to do to get rid of the anxiety. The swimming pool is shut and I cannot start drinking wine because its a slippery slope though I am severely tempted. I know I will have to have this conversation daily with mum until wednesday and she still may refuse to come back with me and he might be there alone. I have texted the Grimms and said I am moving her on weds and once she is in and settled I will have the capacity to consider their money issues but not until then- and that they need to make sure their dad is not still there or alone on wednesday otherwise mum will not come.
How do I get through these next few days? I feel sick, I feel alone and I feel desperate. Sorry for the long rant- I needed to tell someone.

How is everyone?
Had a few days away last week and told mum phone /WiFi was poor so no phone calls(😉) which helped top up the Teflon coating... back to it now. Realise the impact it has on me- the constant negativity.
Thinking of you all. Spotted a book titled cockroach yesterday!