The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

yolo thanks. I think perhaps I am getting things in a muddle. Or, if dad was still alive, I just wouldn't see so much of it as I do now.

mum has just been on the phone telling me how she doesn't really want to talk to anyone but me. I have noticed that when people call, she gets them off the phone as fast as possible.

it's not the electric bill but she has a thing that "young people have it too easy" as if there is some virtue to be gained from sitting in the dark.

I do think there might be another "up" phase in spring and summer.

I am very much a quiet introverted hermit type. I think perhaps this is showing in her now because she hasn't got the "motivation" of taking dad everywhere with her.

I suppose it's partly upsetting because when we have fun, we have such a laugh! The idea that it's just going to be all doom and gloom from here is a bit pants.

once again, apologies for the trivial moan and to all dealing with much more serious stuff!

mmm. for my mum it was definitely the age, but also linked to the widowhood in that, at 66, living in another country, she pretty well had to cope, and she did very well. but then as she became more and more fragile and her world closed in on her, she harked back to dad more and more. re the lights, is it an electricity bill thing? DM was like that until I moved to her some special old person's tariff and told her to switch the bloody lights on!! (apart from anything else, to reduce the risk of falling)

yolo ah, yes, I don't know if I'm linking some of the changes to widowhood when they might have happened any way.

Mum and I both get very bad SAD but she refuses to even turn lights on on a dark winter day....then moans how the lack of light is affecting her.

age and increasing frailty autumn, she was widowed at 66, so had 22 years after that. the first 12 were pretty much ok, but the last 10 years just saw the decline, gradual at first but then rapid.

yolo thank you. "And so awful, because she never used to be like that."

do you mean this changed with age, or after she was widowed?

Agree with the "can't be distracted". the whole "oh, look, a squirrel" rarely works, plus is very draining in itself.

you all have my sympathy plus extra . DM would drone on and on about her ailments, the terribleness of the GP surgery, how things weren't like when she were a gal, and could never be distracted. It's so draining. And so awful, because she never used to be like that.

nota I'm liking the different plane sounds and your DS response though! what else could he say?
autumn my compassion drained away pretty quickly I am afraid to say.
ghost would your dad to the news, or politics? tricky subjects I know but sometimes used to distract mum.

Autumn if you find anywhere that stocks compassion let me know!

I think that's an extension of my problem Gh0st as there is nothing that I can talk about that DM is interested in, so if I do, she stops listening early on (I don't warrant a hmmmm type response) or she just gets irritated with me.

For about a month now she has been telling me the same story about the Blitz, which should be fascinating as it is a lived history, but I know confused DS when she taught him the difference in the sounds of allied and Nazi war plans and asked him to listen out for the planes overhead in future so that he could differentiate. The only response being, 'I will do that nana'.

Gh0st sympathies. I think we’ve probably many of us seen that one too.

How is your dad getting along?

I seem to have the opposite problem to you guys! I'm desparately trying to think of stuff to talk about to cheer DF who's stuck in a chair all day. But given he's never been interested in what I'm doing, and he's got nothing interesting to report from his chair and isn't chatty, it's hard going!

nota I’m not getting away with it. Mum is upset and wondering why I’m not reacting more to today’s tale of the Post Office etc.

Where can I restock on compassion? I know I need to.

Lucky for you both to get away with that. My Db gets away with Hmmm. He usually buries himself in a newspaper and reads whilst hmmming. I however seem to be required to make appropriate verbal responses. The problem being that with her dementia, she call tell me the same thing repeatedly over the course of a visit. For example, DH was in NI recently (this is probably going to offend - sorry!)

DM: where is MrNota?
Me: NI
DM: is he armed? (joke btw)
Me: No more than usual. (joke, ovbs...)
Rinse and repeat x 5. By which point I've got bored with my response. So I then switch to 'No', which annoys her as she thinks I'm not playing along with the joke. So I then switch again to 'at home' to mix things up a little.

And I still haven't started my crochet.

Thanks Mere

Just caught up with a friend in a similar spot. His mum spent Xmas day and NYE crying so I guess I’ve been lucky!

Well, surviving Xmas and New Year with the oldie was something I dreaded, so it’s nice to be out the other side.

I’m reaching the stage where I just say “hmmm” a lot and completely miss what she’s telling me. I tend to assume I’ll tune back in if it becomes important? This is what parents do with little children, I think?

A belated happy new year to you all - may it bring some peace, health and happiness and maybe even some wealth if we are lucky. cockroach!

Happy New Year all, may it bring better things.

I did spend NYE at mum’s, though , last year it was so depressing I said I wouldn’t. But I did so....yeah..

Anyhoo, home sweet home now!

I echo what nota said. Best wishes to all for an as trouble-free as possible 2020. Happily, things are settling down a bit for me now as mother seems more content than she was in the care home. Long may it continue.

Best wishes from me too for better things in 2020. I don’t post much these days, but knowing this thread is here is a comfort. Cockroach, all!

I've had some tough times over the past couple of years, and the people on this thread have really helped me get through them, so thank you.

Best wishes to all for 2020 - I suspect we're going to need it.

Cockroach all x

Wanted to wish everyone on here, lurkers too, better things in 2020.
Sending strength, Teflon and cockroaches to all.
Thank you for being there.🌺🌺🍷🍷

countrygirl and that all needed saying and you sound driven to it.

notaflyingmonkey well done, I can lend a couple of lively spaniels if you need an additional incentive. 🐶🐶

I've been trying to explain to DH how much Mum had deteriorated but he has been so taken up with his dad assorted (and largely self inflicted) crises he hadn't taken it on board. We ended up having words yesterday evening about that. I hadn't been able to fix up a time for visiting my DPs until Monday because FIL needed him to sit with MIL while he collected the fancy new car we can't see how he can afford which annoyed me to start with. Then when I phoned mum on Christmas we day she had forgotten about our visit and on Boxing Day she phoned us having forgotten we had spoken the say before. DH knew this and also that she hadn't recognised me in a recent photo so I felt he should have been more prepared. As always seems to happen the conversation when we got home rapidly turned to his dad as it always does and I lost it just a little. Maybe calling FIL a "self centred attention leech" was going a bit far though and I did feel bad but at the same time justified in complaining that he gets so much attention from everyone but because my parents are more stoical (and don't do such stupid things) their problems get ignored.

It's hard when the decline is so marked isn't it Country. Because we tend to see them all the time, perhaps it isn't as noticeable to us. But then others may see them on a good day.

Mind you, it's a confusing time of year for most of us, I keep having to remind myself what day it is.

Since my bollocking from my GP over my weight and general inertia being contributing factors to my high BP, I have been trying to get my steps in every day over the holidays, and have even dragged myself to the gym 3 times this week. Am determined to shift some of the lard.

Feeling a bit low this afternoon. DS2 and his girlfriend left after lunch. If things go to plan for them they will have moved to Finland by the end of June. Which is great for them but I will miss them so much. We went to see my parents yesterday and it was awful. DS2 was in our car and DS1 followed shortly after. My mum was confused as to which son arrived with us so couldn't work out whether this was the girlfriend she hadn't met yet. DS2 girlfriend is Finnish, typically nordic in looks and has met my parents loads of times over nearly 6 years. DS1 girlfriend is Chinese. OH hasn't seen my parents for a few months and was shocked.