The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Don't quite a few homes have doctors and dentists in to visit the patient there?

There should be other care agencies locally who would do those trips- age uk or others, obviously for a charge. Or taxi firms.
As dint says, try local carers association or gp for information.
Please don’t take it all on.

The home won't take her. They won't do drs or dentist appts either, I have to do all those things. But they told me about the volunteer lift thing with church.

Fwb sounds more eerh beneficial than your dp anyway .

Perhaps reconsider getting your dm a phone. It will be an open line for her dh and GB to manipulate her and cause a lot of mental disturbance and anxiety for her?

You can buy small gps trackers, including ones for pets to sit on a wrist band. No sure if it is legal?

Just to clarify, I was being ghosted last weekend by dp hence the mad night with the fwb- so it was a dead relationship with the dp but still hurts to make it final.

" I hope the church might rally round her and make her feel welcome and offer her a weekly lift there and back so I don't have to do that every week."

Yes, fingers crossed. From what you say, the home sound good.

I think Valium should be on repeat for those of us with oldies, but ...yes, I can dream.

Oh, and I cleaned my candlesticks! Very zen and satisfying but I could do with something to look forward to.

I'm here. I spent this morning trying to find a bed in his care home - none there and they made a request not to bring mum to visit in case she refused to leave.

Then a call to social Services for help who said they might be able to do a care assessment in a month or so. She's low priority because she's self funding- they don't care that I'm not coping and she might be out on her arse if she absconds or gets angry because she thinks we are keeping her from her husband. They won't assess her capacity but they did say I am fine to refuse to take her to him.

I was awake at 5am and took myself off for a swim at 7 to calm down. I discovered that it's possible to cry and swim.

When I got to the care home mum was red eyed with tears and full of remorse. But her story of what happened yesterday didn't match what actually happened. She didn't demand to be taken to see him and I didn't mention it.

The home have said she can stay (thank god) and we talked about some strategies to deal with her demands to call him all the time.
I took mum out for lunch and bumped into my lovely ex who joined us for coffee- it was all very civilised. She returned for a quiz and I left her happy. But they called later to say she was back on her obsession about not knowing where he is and needing to be with him- they managed it and she was calm again.
I'm not going there tomorrow, I'll visit on Sunday to take her to church (I may sit outside with a fag (I don't even smoke) but I hope the church might rally round her and make her feel welcome and offer her a weekly lift there and back so I don't have to do that every week.

So much better than yesterday- but as I am learning, it's a day by day thing at the moment.
I have to get her a phone so she doesn't keep asking to use the office phone. But she's never been able to use a mobile before. I've ordered one that can only dial four numbers, me, her sister, the home and her husband. It has gps so if she does wander We can find her.

I'm shattered again and would love to have someone to share it all with but I got ghosted by my dp so I dumped him. He finally got in touch pleading melancholy and not wanting his low mood to add to my mother angst. I know it's right to end it but I'm feeling doubly whammied and sad tonight. So I took a Valium I found at the back of my drawer and now I just don't care. :(

Also wondering how nora is today

Jace, as ever, thanks for cat pic!

Nora sorry to hear you’re having such an awful time
Things more settled here - despite a roller coaster of a day when good changed to bad then back to ok again
DF now back in nursing home n I have Dcat n gin

Ah Nora my heart goes out to you.

Sounds like your mum is blaming you for this because it is easy for her to do. Please think about what poster here have suggested about taking a step back, otherwise it sounds like you are going under with the stress of it all.

Not the same, but I had to take DS back to uni on Monday night in biblical style rain, and I am not a confident driver at the best of times. It was a stressful drive just with the dark and rain and unfamiliar road. The idea of doing it with DM in the car as well... frankly I couldn't do it.

Good luck nora brilliant advice from pp.

@flamingnoravera
Also try talking to the carers in the home, they are often very good at reasoning with the unreasonable.

In my experience, the closer you are, the less the elderly listen/respect your opinion.

Sorry to say but male carers often get through where you can't. (Unfair, I know).

nora hope you get some sleep. Really, don't get in the car tomorrow. You need time off from this.

Also, I think your mum might behave differently if she's just allowed to crack on. Either way, I read your posts as "there's no point more people suffering" if you know what I mean.

@madambee I hadn't thought of it in that way. I could go over to where she is with her (my) bags pack them and then get her a taxi to where he is and then send her off. I'm going to call where he is and see if they have a bed for her and if they have I'll send her in a cab. The idea of that drive again tomorrow fills me with horror because I'm so uptight, I know I'll drive badly and we'll row on the way and then we'll both be in danger.

I'm going to bed now. I need sleep. I'll see how it looks in the morning.

nora long time lurker here. I'm so sorry for you.

She has 'capacity', but no one says that you are bound to enable her. Is it possible you can let go a little and tell her that if this is what she wants, so be it. But it won't be with your help?

In my experience one of the toughest parts of being there for your parents, is when they quite obviously make horrid decisions, but has the 'capacity' to hold on to those hook, line and sinker.

You are not compelled to enable her, try take a step back. As with children sometimes elderly unfortunately have to suffer the consequences of their actions/choices. As it is now you suffer the most trying to do right. You cannot win this, let her get on with it a while.

Hope it is OK I'm saying this, sending you strength and patience by the bucket.

The home she's in won't keep her if she goes wandering- it's not a locked facility. I'll get the police or social services calling me if I don't go because she'll abscond. I'm fucked every way. There is no break.

nora I am so sorry. You must protect yourself.
Sounds like you need some time out. Please take a break.

X post with Forty Six

Don't make yourself more ill driving there tomorrow.

nora honestly, if they're saying she has capacity I'd leave her to it.

That sounds awful but really, what else can be done? If she's got the money for a taxi to go, she can go, IMHO.

You say "I know I shouldn't feel like this"

For what it's worth, I can't imagine someone feeling any other way!

Nora - you could just not go tomorrow?

It's all gone tits up. Mum tried leave declaring she was going to see her dp. The home called me, I spoke to her but before I did I could hear her saying she was going to crack someone's head. She's demanding to be taken to him and be with him. I'll have to take her to see him tomorrow but I can't see me getting her back here.
I called the nursing home he is in (60miles away) they said they'd try to see if she can stay there till he passes away but it depends if they've got beds. I've got to call in the morning.
She was vile tonight accusing me of not telling her anything, threatening to call a taxi to where he is. I've got to go over tomorrow and take her back up to where I've just brought her from. I'm exhausted, I'm sick of it all, I'm running out of compassion and feel like telling her to sort her own fecking care. I know I can't but my home is a mess, I've not cleaned in weeks, I've no energy because I can't eat, I'm starting to really hate her and hate him more for calling her and turning on the tears- it's how he always manipulates her. I know I shouldn't feel like this but right now I can't see anything but years of this shit and I don't want to deal with it. She never looked after me when I was a child but declares herself to have been the perfect mother and I've efuckingnough. The driving up and down is hideous, I can't drive in the dark and if I take her tomorrow I know she'll refuse to leave. What the fuck can I do?
Social workers will tell me I have to do what she wants because she has capacity. I'm descending into the depths of darkness. I hate her, I hate my life, I hate him and his bastards sons.