The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

nora I agree with all the others, you need to take care of yourself, whether with different ADs, the shagathon (mad but kind sounds good!), or the swimming.

Do you need to respond every time you see/hear something from the BG? Maybe you could open a new email folder, transfer the stuff there and set yourself eg 30 mins a week to look, and then send it on to the SHL if relevant? There is no law to say you have to get back to them on their terms/timeframe.

Re your mum, will she understand that this may be the last visit? Sorry, I think you said she had dementia, forgive me if I'm wrong.

etc for you.

Nora not an expert but also wondering if you’ve tried SNRI type AD rather than SSRI. I haven’t, but I hear they are suit many people better.

I couldn’t take 5htp, it made me weepy, very odd.

Re the Grimms, I just think they can huff and puff all they want but the law will have the final say. I appreciate it’s hard to see it that way when you’re stuck in it.

nora glad you have got beta blockers and sounds like a plan including the shagathon rematch.

It was citalopram that made me mad. It also got rid of my libido, made it impossible to have an orgasm and as I said increased risky behaviour. I'd rather try to get through without the ADs. But if I don't improve in two weeks when I've got a proper drs appt then I'll consider ads.

I'm ok at work and when doing stuff unrelated to mum and the Grimms. It's when I see an email or text from one of them that I go into stress mode which can last hours and feels like I'm going to explode.

I'll tell mum tonight to be ready on Friday morning for a trip up north on Friday and I'll tell her on the way about the actuality of the situation.

I've got a lodger moving in on Sunday too. I was as respite foster carer but clearly cannot continue in this state so I'm getting a lodger to help with bills and to stop me rattling round my house alone. It probably will mean shagathons in the kitchen are out, but other rooms are available and mr shag is free next week... he's mad but very kind so it'll be good to see him.

Autumn I take it you aren't a tequila drinker (the cat is wearing the bottle top and is probably glad Jace didn't have access to a cat sized poncho).

Nora ADs come in different types, the fact that you had a bad reaction to one type just means the Dr needs to put you on another. DS got worse on Citalopram, but is not on something that helps lift the worst of the fog. Whilst swimming is good, you are going through one hell of a lot at the moment and are already at rock bottom, what reserves have you got to draw from? Any chance of a repeat of the shagging til 4am?

It’s late and I’m not making sense so just to say hugs all round

Nora, is it worth talking Kalms or Stressless? All herbal.

And why does the cat have a red hat on? Not criticising his style choices, just wondered.

I have had Anti Ds before, they made me go mad. I started doing things totally out of character and taking risks I would never usually take. then I came off them and the brain zaps were so awful I will never put myself throught that again.

Ive chatted through with my aunt and a good friend and I think I have to take mum on Friday to see him and tell her its probably the last time. I also need to swim (for me) before I go and then give them an hour or so together and then bring her home (she sees her care home as home now) and then I need to do something for me on Saturday.
I have taken monday off work and I will use the time to instruct a solicitor to act on my behalf to deal with the sales of the two properties and all comms with the Grimms.

I have been taking 5htp as an alternative to anti depressants and I have beta blockers to get me through the next two days.

Mum is more lucid than she was (probably more lucid than I am right now) I hope she can understand that this will be a goodbye visit.

I have deserted gin for tequila tonight Dcat not happy

Oh Nora that sounds awful x hugs

nora I am so sorry. You need help getting through this. Would you consider something just to get you through? Anti dd aren’t the devil.
Give legal stuff to shl, who else can support you?
🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷

I'm losing the plot, I just keep crying and panic attacks. I had a phone appt with dr, he asked what I thought he could do? I said I didn't know but not anti depressants. So he's referred me for counselling - 3 week wait for an assessment appt.

TheGrimms want to sell the other property now. I think I might have to refer the whole lot to be handled by the SHL- just engage her to deal with all Grimm stuff, mum agrees. They are not going to handle mum getting 50% of the second property without a fight and I have no fight left. I'm at rock bottom.

On the upside mum says she's happy where she is and will do anything I recommend. She trusts me completely, but I no longer trust myself to act rationally or be strong enough to keep going.

I wrote the above an hour ago before I took a call from lovely Grimm wife who told me that mums dp is slipping away- "anticipatory drugs" have been delivered. That means I need to take mum to see him aSaP doesn't it? GW says 2-3 weeks but he's in a semi coma a lot of the time, has stopped eating and is aggressive and only brightened when he heard mums voice on the phone (eyes flickered). I need to explain it's probably the last time she'll see him and take her to say goodbye?

Help? I'm totally at a loss to know what to do for the best and know I'm close to breaking down myself. So I think it has to be Friday and then ...

jace big hugs for you, glad you have a cat for comfort - cats (and dogs) are so important

Awww look at kitty 😍

Is she not portable? My friends' cats all seem to be very portable but one does get a bit of face on if she knows she's going to the vet.

Cat people who don't actually have a cat end up watching things like this

🌺🌺🌺jace

Home - have eaten - cat installed - considering doing some knitting
DF loves all animals
If Dcat was more portable I would take them in to visit each other

Jace I hope you feel ready to go home soon

I found my dad liked being shown pics and things. He preferred puppies to kittens though. Yes, I did tell him he was wrong 😁

Not home yet to cuddle a cat - currently sat in car in Tesco car park trying to summon up wherewithal to drive home
Thank you for listening - it really helps
I took my iPad into nursing home tonight as I’d downloaded some history and travel programmes to watch with DF and talk to him about but he was too far gone - I’m now wondering if drugged up
Just after I sent previous message I got a tiny response and he managed to connect with a kiss but that finished me off n didn’t want him to see me cry so left

Jace that time was the hardest for me

Luckily I had some very good advice about talking to him and sometimes the most ordinary chats would spark a witty remark from what had looked like semi consciousness.

He did prefer us to chat to him generally. It did feel a bit forced but then I got some surprising responses.

Hugs to you

jace I am so sorry. That’s so sad. Would your dd want you to contact her if you are upset? Would she feel upset if you didn’t?
Any cats around to snuggle?
Sending big hugs.

Very upset today just been to visit DF and he is completely out of it - asleep or ? With eyes open
He is just becoming a shell and a shrunken version of my beloved Dad
I was ok today but now just can’t stop crying
Doesn’t help that I’m going home to an empty house for rest of week as DS is away and don’t want to ring DD and use her as a crutch
DP started new job today so don’t really want to ask for help there so am on MN instead

yolo am I right in thinking your dB wasn't particularly close to your DM?

That's not a criticism btw.

I guess I think it's pretty normal for me to just get on with my life, so it's actually a bit irritating to have friends making a big deal of it.

autumn totally get that... I think Nov 1 will be an odd day for me, but I wont be in bits, I'll just raise a toast to mum. DB wants to make a big think about her ashes (which are currently in our hall behind a photo of the DDs) but I dont care, I get the pleasure and the memories from using her stuff, seeing it around the house and knowing that she would know it's appreciated, if that makes sense? I think it makes a big difference that my dad was dead for such a long time, so it's not like I'm grieving for one and looking after the other iyswim? That's a tough situation to be in xx

yolo I've got the anniversary of dad's death this week too. You mentioned some plans I think?

Also have a couple of contacts who seem to have competitive grief syndrome....almost that they are annoyed that I'm not in bits a year later. I've been keeping quiet about not wanting to really do any anniversary stuff because I would be thought of as heartless, I expect. I'll be glad when it's over but I suspect mum will be very down till after the anniversary of the funeral. Sadly she seems to be reliving his illness day by day and saying "do you remember, a year ago today, the consultant said this, the nurse said that..." and yes I do remember but I prefer not to dwell. I know she's trying not to and it's bound to come out but sometimes I feel like saying "please can you tell a therapist all this instead of telling me"!

How's everyone doing? In the cat stakes, I have one sitting on my desk under the heat of the lamp, one trying to bully the dog and the other one is no doubt asleep somewhere pretending not to be such a fatso...

In the oldie stakes, Nov 1 is anniversary of mum's death. I am happily spending my inheritance on doing very much needed stuff to the house, and also splurging on the odd luxury here and there. She would have been delighted with both, plus giving some to the kids for right to buy ISAs and generally helping them financially while I can. I am at the stage where I can think 'she would have loved xyz', I think I did my anger/grief before she died tbh, but I guess I'm lucky that she wanted to die iykwim?

The next batch of oldies - PIL, 89 and 80 - are coming for Christmas, staying in a b&b down the road, while SIL and her 2 adult DC are staying with us. I would rather it was just us and mum, but OTH no one can accuse me of inhospitality!!

Much love to all

I've been at mum's and have seen zero cats. We're guessing they're all in their homes, looking mournfully at the rain?