The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Thinking of you today jace I’m sure you’ll do him proud🌺🌺

I’m dreading Xmas
Had already bought Dad a present and some Xmas decorations for nursing home
Have also got to get through funeral tomorrow
It would’ve been his 94th birthday in a few weeks so trying to arrange interment of ashes on that date
Got through my important work event today and now have 2 weeks till my major deadline
I’m hoping to take a few days off in December to do the dreaded Xmas shopping
Going away with DD in January for a long weekend n now trying to persuade DP to consider a winter sunshine holiday in early Feb
Hugs to you all

Much sympathy, cats, cake, coffee and wine from me too to everyone in the trenches.
Just dealing here with a string of appointments for dm and lots of grumbling, so trips out are all chores I try and make enjoyable... but it’s not easy.
And yes yolo the sense that it’s never enough/ right......
cockroach all.

My heart really does go out to all of you in the thick of it. It's such a horrible time, I remember feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough, I didnt handle things in the right way, there was so much pressure from every angle around mum, and that's leaving aside my own life issues.

Flowers, wine, cake, whatever gets you through. xx

I had a bit of a moment of clarity last night as to (at least one of the reasons) why my DM gets tetchy with me over nothing.

DM asked question A (related to something I was stood doing at the time), I responded with answer A1. She got annoyed and said why are you saying that to me when I asked question B (completely different subject). I said ok, my bad, and gave her answer B1. She then got back to asking question A again, and I gestured to what I was doing and said answer A1 again.

It seemed like she forgets the questions she is asking, and therefore thinks my answers are stupid. What a muddled, angry world she must live in, because I guess the alternative - her accepting she has dementia - is more frightening, or perhaps just no longer something she has the cognative function to do.

I must try to learn to be more tolerant towards her.

Anyone else dreading xmas yet?

Jacelancs that must be so hard.
More is coming out about FIL and his care package. He is now saying it wasn't a trial. Apparently he told the social worker he didn't need the 2 x 30 min toiletting visits during the day as he is perfectly capable of doing them himself and she agreed to swap for having both the day centre & the sitting service. Now someone else has picked up he is having both and he has been told he has to choose. But he has insisted, in emails, that he doesn't need the other daytime visits so they haven't been put back. He has been in contact with Age UK for advice and is going to talk to his Councillor. He still won't agree for SS to talk to us and doesn't want us getting involved.
He is now complaining that he can't do his supermarket shop as he always does that on Friday and MIL isn't at the daycare on Friday. OH pointed out that supermarkets are open other days and we can help him set up internet shopping but that didn't go down well.

Dads nursing home rang this morning as DM turned up for a ‘meeting’
I’d arranged to take her there to thank staff for his end of life care etc n say goodbye
DM misunderstood due to dementia and forgot 1) I was picking her up 2) time arranged 3) why we were there (she thought it was to collect his stuff)
Thankfully most of the other residents also are not that with it and didn’t get annoyed with her telling them the same things 5 x over
I took her to Costa after but then got worried as she couldn’t find her way home n kept following me until I had to stop her and tell her to stop following me and pin point her in the right direction

DS has been fab tonight - I’m feeling very sad and overwhelmed - crying but not able to let go - in case I can’t pull it back
Maybe after the funeral......
Under a lot of pressure work wise too

I’m feeling very melancholic tonight n holding paws with my main male in life

that's probably wise, just shelve it. and I agree that if their mistake it's not your problem. I once had a very long and protracted argument with British Gas, who said we owed them £3k. In fact, we didnt, and they owed us £2k! I did win which was very satisfying, but it took a lot of dogged persistence.

I’m leaving it for now - I will try and challenge the decision when and if they force repayment
I think if it’s their mistake we shouldn’t have to repay

jace that sounds a bugger... if you have the strength I would gather the evidence and send it to them with a big FUCK OFF. probs wont work, but it's the last thing you need.

Forgot to mention had a very stressy conversation with DWP who say DM has been overpaid by somewhere between £3 and £4K despite me continuously informing them as to each change of circumstance - apparently I should’ve been aware that she had an underlying entitlement to carers premiums from 10 years ago and they’ve still been paying it in with her pension credit whilst he was in nursing home and they now want it back

Hi All
Yes I’m ok ish (mostly)
DM is doing ok too - dementia definitely helps!
Met with vicar today re funeral arrangements and felt ok enough tonight to see a friend
I’m struggling with DB who is a bit of a control freak and still sees me as his little sister even though I’m 55! I’m trying to compromise without falling out
Started today with a heavy head cold which is not helping
Hope everyone else is battling through

yup countrygirl we had a lot of that kind of thing with my mum... yes, you are on the floor with a broken hip, no we cant just lift you back into bed... I'm sorry, it's bloody hard work.

jace are you okish? love and cockroach to all

BIL & SIL are now aware of what he said to Aunt. SIL phones him every day and he hadn't said anything to her but she was concerned he seemed very tired last week. OH tried to persuade him to accept respite again today but got the whole "over my dead body" tirade. If he carries on like this that might be sooner rather than later. It will probably follow previous pattern of him getting more tired and angry with everyone until he has a bad atrial fibrillation episode which he will try to cover up until the carers insist on calling an ambulance.

countrygirl that sounds like such an awful sitch - poor you and poor DH. Hopefully someone will be along with better advice, but in the meantime all I can think of is to keep bashing on with SS, make sure all the family know that FIL is refusing help and try and get at least some of them on side. thinking of you.

Ot serious should of course be not serious

Yolo he can be very difficult. To be fair he has done an amazing job of looking after MIL but he proud and stubborn. He won't admit to a problem until it is a crisis, either in reality or in his head. He can be vicious if you can see a problem developing such as developing burn out. He will refuse to admit there is a problem until he is ill and accuse DH of trying to get rid of him etc. But at the same time he panics and doesn't listen to doctors properly so hears " ot serious " as serious and panics he is going to die, then phones late in the evening in a right state., when all he needs is a short course of antibiotics.
We can't even phone social services now to find out what his options are as he has told them he doesn't want to talk to us and there is a high chance that he has misunderstood. We got the ban after I phoned Social Services to complain about them "refusing" to organise respite so he could have a minor op, which meant family having to keep in a chair for a few days ( day patient but no lifting, pushing wheelchair etc), only to be told that he had said no need, family have volunteered before we even knew about the op.
He has a tendency to think if he just refuses residential respite for long enough the council will pay for 24 hour in home care, even though the overnight carer would have to sleep on a chair. He won't see the problem with that.
Gosh, sorry that was so long. RAC finally got to OH at 5 and are sending out a recovery vehicle this morning, but Aunt can't understand why OH isn't rushing over to see his dad.

countrygirl I remember you from before, I think your FIL is particularly difficult and his and DH relationship not good/easy? In which case I think the best DH and you can do is kind of try and stand back and keep repeating what the options are - clearly it cant go on as it is, and your poor DH is stuck in the middle.

And partner in feline crime

Photo for the cat lovers
I’m with DP this weekend - one of his gorgeous kitties

Can he not swap any of the residential respite for extra day care? Might be worth talking to social services
Make sure he’s had his carers assessment reviewed too

DH has finally managed to have a conversation with his dad while still waiting for the RAC and he's upset with the council because they are doing what they said they would. They have 4 visits a day, 2 half hor, 1 45 min and 1 60 min. He has also been having 6 hours sitting at the time of his choice. He also has the option of residential respite for up to 10 weeks. So all in all not bad for a fully funded package. He had the choice between the sitting service or 2 days at daycare and chose the sitting. Recently MIL has been going to daycare twice a week. He wouldn't say who was funding it but it appears to have been a trial during which he could also have the sitting service. Now they are saying he has to make a choice and he is upset he can't have both. He refuses to use the residential respite. He is now in full fury and going to write a letter of complaint to the Chief Exec.
We can see he is struggling but he won't accept the help we can give and thinks his DILs should give up their jobs to look after them, regardless of the fact we have our own parents as well.

That sounds complicated Country. How serious do you think the threat of suicide is? Sounds like he may be at breaking point, and perhaps open (albeit reluctantly) to an intervention?