The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Parsley hello, have a virtual G&T or whatever your preferred option is.

Vent as much as you like.

Victoria I don’t mean this to be depressing but some of us just aren’t meant to be here that long. I think George would not have welcomed being older. I’m still amazed I got to 40 without doing myself in (long term A&D). I don’t see my death as being a disaster at all, I just need to outlive mum!

Re the doesnt like old people my parents had a lot of younger friends. I do think it helps. Though I nearly fell off the sofa when mum used the term “dick pic” earlier not because I’m stereotyping her due to age, it’s just not the kind of thing I thought she knew about!!

AutumnRose1

Couldn't help but and at your comment at your thought of hoping to live as long as Geoge Michael . He died at age 52 ! I'm on borrowed time then. Yes I agree you will change your mind on that one !

welcome parsley. I too had a 'doesnt like old people* mum - it makes it very difficult! there are befriending services, she had a lady who came once a week for an hour or so for a cup of tea and a chat. mum wasnt too keen on that either actually...

I'm new and hoping to join you.

My Dad is 90 and frail, but (despite many jokes by him about putting a pillow over his face), has a strong life force and a very real fear of dying.

His quality of life is much reduced and he barely leaves his flat, except to go to numerous doctor/hospital appointments.

Both my brother & I visit once a week and he has carers in daily. I phone most days.

He is quite demanding and I am finding it stressful, being pulled in so many directions.
The problem is that he is bored, but won't do any of the activities at his assisted living retirement home because he 'doesn't like old people.' 😩

I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

Handhold for everyone coping with bereavement.

Yesterday was a bit of a great news/ shit news day. FIL wanted to go on an outing so OH sat with MIL in the morning and BIL took over in the afternoon. Care problems are sorted! The early and late visits are fixed but he also has 8 hours a week that he can use as he likes. He is quite happy doing toilet duties so he can use them for going out or even just going into the shed and doing some wood turning. If someone else is looking after her, like Saturday, he can book,care visits for toiletting. Not only that, if he doesn't use them he can carry forward. Presumably there is a time limit to that but he is happy now. He has known since Thursday but didn't think to let us know even though SIL have spoken to him Friday morning!
But, there's always a but isn't there. MIL was sick a couple of times. No obvious reason. We knew she had been travel sick a couple of times over the summer but both were really hot days when they should have stayed in the cool. BIL told FIL she had been sick when he got back and apparently it's a near daily occurrence. The doctor wants a bone marrow test and she won't consent. Of course she can't express why she won't consent so it might be for something she could be reassured about. FIL went into his " you don't need to worry about that" mode which we know from experience means he doesn't want to tell us the truth. So either the doctors think it's something big and scary and he doesn't want to tell us or (more likely) he has no idea, is worried about the worst and will explode later in a panic. We can't even get whether the concern is red or white cells and whether they are too high or too low. So we just have to sit back and wait. Her throat muscles don't work well so she is high risk for aspiration pneumonia.
Next week end I visit my parents. No doubt I will get there my 92yo dad will be sporting yet another injury from a fall they haven't mentioned and I will have to tell my mum all about eldest's new girlfriend 3 times again.

I’m still a bit out there at moment - crying off n on - what to do with Xmas stuff - should I book a holiday etc
Really I just want to run away from everyone - book myself into a cheap premier inn n pull a duvet over my head n stay there until I feel better

It’s a strange one - old rellies turned up for funeral - some of whom I weren’t aware of! No practical use but will help when I continue my genealogy research
Friends of parents especially through church will help DM in longer term
I’m not expecting much other than me and my DC can provide (SS not needed just yet) so will accept any help gratefully
First steps us to get DM doing a few community based things eg singing fir the brain

there was a post on the bereavement board with someone referring to a relative as having "the emotional range of a wellington boot". I actually wish that was my emotional range. I'm convinced those people go through life feeling much better.

yolo I don't know, that seems wrong. If I was prepared to ask for help, I should be prepared to offer help. Re late night, it's because they know I'm a late person, plus there's a time difference to factor in.

Also, if they're calling to tell me their parent has died, that's one of mum's siblings that's died, and it's now down to me to break that kind of news to her and to be round there when I deliver it.

I'm really expecting her 84 year old brother to go soon and it feels like way too soon to tell her that piece of info after telling her the hospice called and dad's dead just over a year ago.

autumnrose because you asked them to help on grounds of logistics, it doesnt mean you have to pick up their burdens too. eg, late night calls - dont answer?

Mere cross post

well, I had zero contact with these people before dad died so in my case it doesn't apply. It was just a really fucking stupid decision I made.

Rhino yes, that's true.

yolo I think it's different when it's practical stuff. I was really meaning that I practically became a different person when dad died as I was so panicked about mum and if I had stayed calmer, I would not now have cousins with oldies telling me all their troubles too. Yes, I know that sounds selfish, but I always just wanted to be a hermit.

The thing about 'panicking' is that it's hard to tell when it's the right thing to do and when it isn't. EG, mum ended up not telling me about numerous falls because she knew if she did I would want to get her looked over. And, to me, that was the right thing to do but she just wanted to be in her own home rather than the nightmare A&E trip. And I actually think that before her final, catastrophic fall, she had quite a few bangs to her head which may well have contributed to the dementia she developed over the 5 months before her death.

You just don't know, and you have to take someone's capability into account, and you still feel as if you didnt do it 'right'!

I wish I'd panicked less at the time sometimes
I suppose for most people these are uncharted waters, there is no map to follow and very little hope of intuiting the best way forward?

Rhino yes, I suppose most people do it because of some kind of reciprocal support thing, but in my case, with the distance, I've got extra people to offload too but that's about it really.

I turned to them in desperation after dad died because I had this overwhelming sense of needing help with mum. So it helps for them to call her regularly for example. But it then also means that I get late night calls from cousins who are currently dealing with their oldies.

I wish I'd panicked less at the time sometimes!

I suppose we do it for them because we hope that someone will do it for us?
But yeah I don't really do family either.
(Long time lurker apologies for butting into the threat)

this is the only place I can say this

well I hope I can say it!

I split some errands with mum today and at one point, I saw her doing a short walk to the car, while I came back from the longer walk errand. 81, huddled against the cold and damp, bit wobbly.

I never, ever want to get old. horrendous.

the funny thing is, after dad died, I really thought she'd go too, but an inner life thing has come out and she's now thinking it might be okay to live another 10 years. I'm glad not to be dealing with the widow who couldn't see anything past her husband's death, of course. But all of it....long life and old age....just seems so wrong.

I always said George Michael's age would be about right for me. I wonder if I will feel like that when I get there.

Also, random note, I don't know how or why anyone does family. I am in touch with some distant family members after dad's death and it just feels like another chore sometimes.

you did well jace - settle in with the cat and the cognac. It's hard, and you're right, adjustment takes a long time... look after yourself

in other news, I had the best convo with DB I've had for over a year tonight and he will stay with us the night before our hospital meeting on Dec 6. so that was good.

🌺🍷🍷🐱🐱jace sounds like you did him proud.

Tonight I have Dcat my family and a lovely old cognac to hand

Today went as well as could be expected
For a man of his age the church was pleasantly full - we’d not ordered enough service booklets even to share!
DM coped admirably although tearful
Wake was also well attended
I’ve been more touched by all the messages n support offered to me
Some of my colleagues came to pay their respects and it was lovely to see old friends and distant relatives
I know there will be troubled times ahead before we all settle to new normal but all the support makes it do able - which includes you lovely lot!

Thinking of you Jace

Mad busy here but Love to all

Good luck today Jace and booking a break in Feb sounds like something bright and positive to be taking you through some of the milestones you've got coming up x

hope it goes as well as can be jace, like thesandwich says I'm sure you'll do him proud, and it will be a celebration of his life.