The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

And I should add that mum did not have dementia until probably the last 3 months of her life (in my view induced by stress and pain) so its nothing compared to the long slow decline. Although shocking when you realise its happening, she had got a bit forgetful before the start of her end but nothing compared to how she became.

So I really do feel for you who are dealing with dementia longterm.

yes nota, I do not want to turn into my mother...
even I wouldn't leave an elderly parent locked outside their home this made me laugh dint!

it's the 12 years of dementia that really scares me my only hope is that I have enough awareness of being on that path to exit stage left while I can.

Interesting point about the DP's wishing to reassert dominance in the relationship.

The dread of seeing 'mum' flashing up on my mobile, usually when I am at work. A friend took me out after work for a G&T a few years ago when I was going through a rough spot, and as I sat down the call came through. I ignored it. Then listened to the voicemail which was she'd managed to lock herself out (don't need a key safe) and I needed to go immediately with the key that I had. Except I was an hour away from her at work, it was winter so cold and dark etc. Luckily I hadn't had a drink and so could drive, but it was definitely one of those points at which I started to resent her not cooperating with things like getting a key safe fitted because she could rely on me instead. (I fitted the key safe the following weekend against her wishes).

I am also the daughter round the corner, literally and yes!! Everything is an emergency and my heart sinks when my phone rings. Many things on this thread resonate - thankyou.

autumn when you are deep in the middle of it all you don't have a minute to clear your head... it's bloody tough.

yolo ".. nowadays when I see an ambulance with blue lights I dont have to think OMG is that for mum? I dont want my kids to be in that situation."

I totally get that.

it's been really helpful typing this out. I think winter, and a few not-mum related factors are making me more stressed and I'm probably mixing things up in my head.

(this was hilarious at the time!)

LEM cockroach has somehow kind of become a shorthand to recognising the ridiculousness we live through, and means 'cheers'. It comes from my DM, on admittance to a lovely care home, attending a 'meet the animals' event. She met a small animal with a hard back and bless her, couldnt find the word, so my DB helpfully suggested cockroach.

the only thing with living on adrenalin autumn is that eventually it runs out. I was 'the daughter round the corner', every tiny thing became an emergency in the end, and after mum died it took a long while for me to stop panicking every time the phone rang... nowadays when I see an ambulance with blue lights I dont have to think OMG is that for mum? I dont want my kids to be in that situation. Am thinking bout joining Dignity in Dying, to campaign for a change in the law for the terminally ill (even though mum wasnt, I reckon it would create a culture in which people could talk about situations where they would no longer want to live)

What does cockroach mean?

yolo yes, totally get that.

I'm very bad at taking things day by day. So I see into the future and panic that mum will live a long life of horribleness - and yes, I am aware of the selfishness in that too. Her side of the family is a bit cursed with longevity and the last years up to 90 have consisted of lying in a nursing home bed. She doesn't want that either.

Living in the present - she's okay mostly. So I know I should take it day by day, but then on the other hand, being perma-ready for disaster actually really helped me when dad was ill.

I think that old age and fragility brings with it such a huge loss of control of your own way of life that you (one) become fiercely defensive of it.

My mum was widowed at 68, died at 88. For the last 20 years of her life she was grieving; for the first 10 years of those she was capable, mentally and physically, and then it started to go tits up. If she had died at 78 rather than 88, I think it would have been much better for her (and in some ways better for me and DB too).

I have no fear of actual death now, although I hope it wont be for a good 20 years or so (I'm 58), but I do have a fear of a protracted, painful, undignified death which causes my children so much pain.

Sorry, that's probably a bit philosophical bullshit for those of you are in the middle of the dealing with oldies phase, but I'm waiting for it to start with the PIL quite soon.

cockroach to all those in the thick of it - whatever you think, know you are doing the best you can even if it doesnt feel like it right now, and get some teflon on your shoulders and carve out some time to look after yourselves xx

Parsley sorry to hear that.

so what happened in the end? I'm a bit confused that he has an emergency button if he's not got a contract. Sorry if you have explained this before.

Evening all.

One of my Dad's carers resigned on Tuesday. Said he had made it clear both by words and actions that he didn't want her there. She lasted three weeks.

He didn't need her.

On Wednesday his legs won't work getting out of bed and he slides down to the floor, unhurt, and is unable to get up. He presses the emergency button and the resident carers come up to his room, but because he has no contract with them (doesn't need them, doesn't like them), they can't/won't help. So they call 999.

I've got steam coming out of my ears and can only rant at poor husband about it all, as any kind of debate with my Father is beyond frustrating

sandwich oh I see.

I don't think that's it...

My introversion was increasing long before dad died, and he also worried about it.

he used to ask if I was okay for money because he was so concerned that I was home most nights on the internet or reading or whatever, he thought I might be having some sort of financial crisis!

And I didn't attend a couple of big things, like 40th birthdays, when he was in hospital, and he got quite upset about it, saying "why are you here, you're supposed to be at Jane's party" etc and then I'd be thinking "mate, you're dying, that's why I'm here" - but he didn't really accept he was dying at that point.

anyhoo - short version, I think mum just thinks introversion is bad for me and I'll end up with no friends to rely on etc. To be fair, there's probably a whole bunch of MNers who would agree with her!

I think it’s about mother’s trying to reassume the parenting role rather than us having the power over them.
Does that make sense? So they know best.... certainly how dm works.

sandwich " it is about them trying to reassert control."

not sure what this means?

rose you need to develop armour about the comments re social life etc.... it is about them trying to reassert control. Being economical with the truth a few fibs.
cockroach all

LEM "I told my mum off today for speaking to me like shit"

good for you!

in fairness, I can't really say I'm "caring" for mum, just helping her if that makes sense.

she seems to have much more brain in today which makes me wonder - I think it's quite easy to fall into a dependent pattern, especially as she's used to dad doing everything for her.

Thanjs autumn and sandwich.

So sorry about your dog sandwich.

I told my mum off today for speaking to me like shit. The community nurse was there doing a meds review, that didn't go well. You are right shadow, it is about control. I like your vortex of doom analogy. I need to learn to screen my calls better 😁

Autumn you mustn't let your mum convince you that - caring is bloody tough x

Hello all. Sorry you have to join us lem
Understand completely re carers complaints etc..... dm currently has some she mostly likes but complains about so many little things.
It’s losing control. So hard.
I think it’s back to thinking about the metaphorical Teflon- what can we do to protect ourselves from the vortex of doom? coffee, good friends, audiobooks and chocolate, plus getting outside.... seem to help me.
Plus pet pics! Sadly we lost our dog this year. I miss her ears.