The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

Thanks everyone! Blimey LEM that is a whole different level. Nota, the thought of another 10 years is chilling.

I have a little file of quotes from this thread and its previous instances. Today's most helpful is:
"It doesn't sound as if she was happy when she was more mobile, though. You are expecting yourself to be able to change her entire personality in her dotage." Which is obviously impossible when you write it down like that. Thank you whoever said that, I'm sorry I didn't make a note of who said what so I could send .

PS issues with DMs meaning direct messages

Not suggesting you sent me your Dear Mothers, one is enough 😂

oops LEM need to put my varifocals on!! cuter than cute tho.

Yolofish a close up of a little jrt

Gin mist welcome!

Just running in with gin and hugs

Seems to be some issues with DMs so if anyone has sent any, I’m not ignoring you. Bear with!

lovely lovely dog LEM! fox red lab? our old boy before current black girl was one of those, absolute sweetie.

nota I would suggest she up stix asap?? then golden boy can deal with it all...

Tell him to move closer!!!

So we went round to mother just now and the carer was there. Earlier today she took a hammer to the key safe and threatened the carer with it! I'm almost impressed

DB messaged me after his last visit to DM to say that she was complaining of being lonely. I said that was down to her as she refused to go to any day centres, or clubs, buddy schemes, etc, which I had lined up for her therefore I had no sympathy. He suggested she move nearer him (he is her favourite), but she proudly said that she couldn't be a burden on him, that she would prefer to be a burden on me.

She is 91, and her mother lasted til 99, so she could have another 10 years left in her. I don't think I do though.

He looks sad because he's concentrating intently on a bit of pasta I dropped!

it is totally relentless, and awful to go through. I just read the 11 pages of notes I made while mum took 5 months to die - I wish I hadnt, but needed to because of meeting on Friday. The worst thing is how it all spoils your memories - if you were lucky enough to have previously had a good relationship, which for the most part I did with my mum.

Here's a ridiculous dog to help cheer you all up. cockroach and courage mes amis.

maddy it is relentless isn't it. I try so hard to be patient, mostly I fail - I guess your world shrinks as you get older and you can't see outside your bubble and appreciate that other people have lives to lead.

I have had another day of it today - carers now not wanting to attend as my mother is being verbally abusive and accusing them of breaking stuff in her house. why can't she see that she is making life harder for herself- and me

maddy I hear you! You are not alone! It is relentless, and I end up feeling I am being sucked into a vortex of doom.
And post away. We get it.
The wisdom of this thread is do whatever it takes to protect and insulate yourself...... we cannot make them happy, only try and protect our own capacity for life. Booze, dogs, chocolate, gardening, good friends..... whatever works for you.
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Aaaaargh the daily phone call "I feel awful, I can't cope, I'm not well, they don't do anything". I'm sorry you don't feel well, but you're 87 and haven't been particularly well for years - when I see you you perk up and are alright, you only seem to moan to me rather than anyone else. You are being looked after, but no I'm sorry you don't have one to one attention all the time now dad isn't here any more. And you weren't ever happy then anyway. I feel mean and guilty and you now seem to be phoning me every day that I don't physically see you (which would be great if we had a nice chat, but it's always a complaining session). I don't want to feel responsible for your happiness, but that's how I feel, and it's making me feel awful because I can't make you happy.

Sorry, just had the phone call and needed to vent. I know others are having far worse acute problems. It's the grind that's getting me down at the moment. Am I even going to post this? yes I am.

LEM never feel bad - you are doing what you can in awful circumstances. And she sounds a peach... ranting helps!

Christ Lem that sounds proper grim. But maybe your DP has a point about her abilities being more than she is letting on to you considering what she managed?

Personally, I would tell her that on that basis I was going to withdraw my services, as she neither needs nor deserves them, and lay low for a while. She needs to learn that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and has put you in a difficult position at work.

(When I got POA on my mums bank account, I got my own card so that if DB takes her out she can still use hers. It saved all the drama about me 'meddling in her affairs', etc)

Thank you

First rule of the cockroach cafe.... don’t feel guilty. Your dm sounds horrendous. No medals here but lots of support and listening.

She walked, it's about half a mile. Dp, is good but it's wearing him down. I will only visit with him with me as she is verbally abusive otherwise and it upsets me.

I feel bad though because i dont do that much compared to you guys and I resent it too

Oh No lem that sounds appalling. Can’t offer any solutions or wisdom... how on earth did she get to your workplace?
Who is supporting you?
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Feeling really raw just now. So last week had home visit from geriatrician, mum was in a good mood, geriatrician pretty much signing her off as the carers seem to have made a real difference and the trazadone - I knew it would go tits up, it has.

Later in the week community medication nurse came round to assess meds. Fine . Wanted to align meds so i dont have to visit chemist every week and meds wouldn't get forgotten.

Mum went ballistic when meds turned up all higglety piddledy amounts so i can just fetch them once a month. Actually turned up at my work place demanding her "fucking cash card" making it look like I am keeping it from her - it's so i can do her shopping. What ensued was total chaos, flushed her tablets down the toilet, calling me all the names under the sun. How she managed to walk to my job i dont kniw - she has carers and i do all her shopping because she is meant to be bed bound loads of drama with drs.

Spoke to me so disgusting like she hates me, "get that bitch to sort my tablets or I'll make you take them" that sort of thing. I lost my temper and shouted at her that she is making me ill. She rang me last night and told me she has cancelled the carers, she hasn't - she wants me grovelling to her.

She called dp today and said the carers have broken her curtains and wants to "get them into trouble.

Was so scared she was going to turn up at my job again today - my bosses will not take kindly to this. I had to leave work yesterday to find her as i was worried she'd get on a bus as that's what she said she wanted the card for.

I feel utterly shattered, it's wrecking my relationship because dp says that the fact she was able to walk to my workplace shows she is taking us for mugs and why am I pandering to her.

All of this and I feel guilty, like it was my tantrum.

Sorry, that was a mega rant, sort of a scorpion rather than cockroach

Cockroach to those needing it at the moment.

Jace and Lem we're here for a virtual handhold.

Lem ready to listen. Rant away.

We're here when you're ready.

Lost the thread, will try to catch up later. My mother has been beyond awful. I can't do this any more