The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

LEM thinking of you
yolo well done for fighting for your mum. It must have taken so much from you and your dB but I really hope they heard and will act.
I hope you can have some peace too. Was it dh’s Appt today too?
cockroach all.

LEM you simply CANNOT do everything, and by getting SS involved you have taken the essential next step. If she wont engage then I'm afraid you will have to take a step back, just to save yourself.

In other news, DB and I spent an hour at the hospital today, 1 clinical governance manager, 1 nurse who has been brought in to 'sort' out the worst ward she was on, 2 senior geriatric doctors, and 1 other woman who said nothing and I couldnt work out why she was there. The surgery teams declined the invitation to attend - no one knows why, but when asked how we felt about that I said 'not impressed'.

I think they were expecting "why did you let my mum die? we are so grateful for everything you did" Instead they got a drastic, severe clinically analysis of the lack of care over 5 months (DB worked for NHS for almost 40 years), some very tricky questions about lines of responsibility, lack of pain control, lack of dignity and basic kindness for DM, very poor communication, the shambles was that the discharge process, and the lack of support offered to the family.

They had the grace at times to look ashamed, and uncomfortable, and we are promised a follow up letter with indication of areas they will 'work on'. I wait with bated breath... but am not sure it will change anything. Still, she would have been proud of us for standing up for her, and I made some points about the vulnerability of the elderly and the fact that doctors/nurses/HCPs hold the power in that situation and that many other families would not have been able to make as much fuss as we did at the time (out of fear) or to have to tenacity to follow it up like we have.

We went to the pub after, and I am now working my way through lots of

cockroach and may you all have peaceful weekends.

LEM you really have to give yourself a break here before you collapse, you sound like you are burnt out. TBH, having been in that situation myself, I know that I am not helping when I am so wrung out that I am crying/shouting/panicking. Draw a breath or two and work out your next few days so that you have some enforced me time - a long walk, hot chocolate, feeding ducks, whatever it takes to bring you back on something approaching an even keel.

LEM

you didn’t handle anything badly. What could you have done?

LEM not been on this thread recently, but I’m really glad adult social services are getting involved.

My circumstances are different, but I think SS have quite a hard time of it so will put things onto family if they can. I had to “catch” a particularly bad weekend, but made it clear that was not an ongoing option

I have been on calls when I’ve had to say “Can we be absolutely clear that I am NOT coming down to sort this out?” I’m 5 hours away from DM, which has advantages and disadvantages!

So yes, there are plenty of people who probably would put me in the “cold hearted bitch “ category. So be it. If your parents gave dementia/ MH issues it’s very complicated.

But generally (dementia etc excepted) my attitude is: we’re all adults here. Adults make decisions, and decisions have consequences.

Even my DM, who has dementia, made decisions when she had capacity that we now have to live with.

So that was a long post to say to LEM that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and we’re not bad people if we have to draw a line

Autumn yes very much do have that fear. I handled today really badly

LEM glad you have someone coming in

However, if I’m correct in thinking she has capacity, then whether or not she takes her meds is up to her.

Do you have a fear that if something happens to her, the authorities might see it as your fault? If so, I share that fear.

nota “And yes, I am a hard faced bitch”

All together now... OH NO SHE ISN’T!!

Thankyou everyone for the support. I know you guys are goung through the mill also.

Social worker just called, they are going to send someone from adult social services to assess her tomorrow

I’m so sorry I can’t offer any wisdom, but do not beat yourself up. You cannot do more.

This is totally the place for this LEM. Some posters may be able to offer advice, others a handhold.

I'm not being obtuse, but what is it that you think SS or anyone can actually do to help?

Omg flying monkey - that made me laugh.

Today i have called her gp, who to be fair was helpful. Poe faced receptionist not so much when i tried to talk to a dr later as mother has hidden her tablets and I don't know what she has taken. 111 couldn't help after the care agency called I had to go there because the carer couldn't cope. Carer just walked out as i walked in.

I have literally BEGGED to speak to an OOH social worker, the "customer service" on the emergency social services number wouldn't put me through. I've had to walk away. I can't cope - I've had to leave her on her own. But I wasn't helping.

I'm sorry this isn't the place for this

Me again .

Not uk, but can you inform gp and social services that you are stepping away from responsibility and that they have a vulnerable elderly at hand?

Don't give up with ss, they will try to guilt you into being there.

LEM what are you wanting help with? If it's your DM, can you call her GP? Age Concern? Dignitas?

LEM you are not an awful person. You are amazing considering what you are dealing with.
Please look at how you can protect yourself. Take the great advice here.
And cockroach all......

How can i get help I called social services ooh they won't help I called 111 they won't help

LEM - walk away. For a day, a weekend or a week, whatever you can manage in order to get some space. Then sit her down and tell her you aren't going to put up with her shit anymore. I really would be considering going low contact if I were you.

I am one of those who never had a good relationship with their parents. Mine were both racists who disapproved of my marriage to a forriner/Muslim, and so we went NC for years. They got back in touch when DF was dying, and so we built a somewhat fragile truce. But DM knows I have no compunction about walking away, and that pisses her off because I don't play along with her, and her views, in the way that DB does. This in turn makes her feel I think I am better than her (I do, because I am, obvs!)

I do what I do for her out of a sense of obligation only. My visits are timed to the minute. And yes, I am a hard faced bitch.

Crikey LEM she makes FIL sound lovely!

Sorry to butt in again, but wanted to say I'm in awe of you. Especially those of you who don't have a good relationship to start with.

I don't know how you do it, and frankly don't think I would.

I had a very good relationship with my parents and despite of this the last years of their lives were extremely hard to get through... for me .

As yolofish, i still struggle finding the good memories and how they were as 'real' people. It has been more than two years and the hardship of the last years still lingers.

If I hadn't had a good relationship to start with, i would have given up. The mental cost is simply too big imo.

@TheoriginalLEM what makes you keep going, If you don't mind me asking? I feel so sorry for you and I know from experience that the cost to your mh is not worth it, not if all you get is abuse.

Again sorry if this is out of place, will go back to lurking.

Oh LEM

Big hugs for you. You sound like an amazing person.

I feel I should correct myself...I do care about my mum but after dad died I find myself having to pretend to care more than I do, if that makes sense. Like I really don’t care that x big brand took over y big brand and now the biscuits don’t taste the same and “can you just check in your shops” - what, in case there’s some original taste ones left from 1992?

I really wish i didn't care. Today she has hidden her medication and i don't know if she has taken them or not. It's been a shit day, my day off and it always kicks off - I was trying to write my assignment for work/college but I have been too stressed.

It's her birthday tomorrow and I have just left cards and flowers but it all turned into an argument and I don't even know if she has seen them.

I feel like a dreadful person

LEM I think we talked on another thread and I was wondering if you’d consider going no contact?

I’m not dealing with half of what people are dealing with here

But I find myself thinking.....it’s such a strain pretending to care. I sort of do care, but I also don’t IYSWIM. And I have to pretend sometimes because otherwise mum will wail that no one cares about her.

I am literally at the end of my rope - I can't cope anymore a and I don't know what to do.

ooh, found it. KismetJayn if you're still around,